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The doghouse

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Original poster

made a huge mistake feel so terribly guilty

98 replies

peaksandvalleys · 31/07/2017 12:52

I just keep crying today as i feel so horrible about the situation . I have always wanted a dog , i have done quite a lot of dog sitting for my sister in laws lovely terrier before so thought i knew what a dog entailed .
My son has aspergers syndrome , he is 18 now and although hes mildly affected he does sometimes react a bit off to things . He has mithered me for years to get a dog but due to dh having asthma and the cost i have never got one .
Recently i have been feeling quite anxious and below par and i think this is what has led me to taking the bull by the horns and surprising ds2 with a 2 year old dog . I was sort of thinking that i am always so over cautious about everything that i never do anything ,but this time i will .
But i have made a terrible mistake .
I visited the dog first, i went away for two weeks , i thought about it , gave it massive over the top consideration and then bought the dog for £850.00 .( money i'd saved for doing the house up) The woman selling him was actually not very nice and i almost backed out when i found out that she had been in the papers for defrauding the government a few years ago. But she clearly loved the dog and assured me how well socialised and trained he was etc and i stupidly went ahead .
It just felt wrong almost as soon as i got home and then ds2 after being initially over the moon started to feel unsure and saying he'd always wanted a best friend but now he felt all strange and didn't think a dog was right for us etc . I was feeling exactly the same but i don't know why .
we went for a walk and let the dog off the lead ( had already walked the dog with the previous owner ) and ds2 started jogging a bit , the dog went mental and started barking and tugging at his trousers and wouldn't stop . It really scared ds2 which put him off the dog even more . I am feeling terribly anxious and the responsibility i realise i have taken on is making me feel sick . Its just far too much for me and i cant believe i feel like this .
Ds2 is really upset , he says if i take the dog back ( and i'm not sure if i can yet) he will be devastated because he always dreamed of a companion but if he stays he feels uncomfortable too . tbh ds2 isnt very good with his feelings and emotions at the best of times .
I want to just call the woman and see if she will take him back but i feel so so guilty , for the dog and my son and i feel really stupid because my family and friends know how much i wanted a dog , but suddenly i don't .
sorry for the huge post .

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 31/07/2017 15:31

Biting the clothes of a running person is not an attack. It sounds like an over excited adolescent. This dog is off the lead too soon and possibly even hasn't been exercised properly for a while. Let alone trained.
Please come back OP.

whereismyparachute · 31/07/2017 15:32

f your child is at risk from the dog... Biting trousers... you should rehome the dog either back to the breeder or to a rescue who will assess and rehome to the right family

This is nonsense, it is over excitement which can easily be worked with.

Original poster
peaksandvalleys · 31/07/2017 15:32

The dog is a maltese terrier . The woman was selling him because she had to keep farming him out while she worked and didn't think it fair . She was so reluctant to part with him that it was a few weeks before she would let us have him even though we had said we would like to take him . she then sent me the most bizarre care guide for him . now, it was helpful to know his key words and usual routine but it also said that he is a rascist dog and not to be surprised if he barks at black people ! and things like, please keep his toy monkey with him at all times and please feed him treats at 9am and 3pm !
On the day we collected him she asked me and dh to talk him for a walk (off lead) in the park while she got his belongings together , so that he wouldn't see !
She then drew up a contract which said that should we no longer want him that she should have the chance to take him back and find a suitable replacement , refund depending on the reason .
I think or i hope that if i were to tell her after weve had him such a short time that he isnt happy / settling with us that she would take him back and give us at least some of the money back .
she tries to get more money out of us by saying that we could have his bed , toys , lead , travel basket etc for another £50 . i called her bluff and told her my sister had some stuff i could have for free , knowing she would not send the dog off without his familar stuff ( being so fanatical about his care) and i was right , she messaged me back to say we could have it all for free the cheeky mare .
I realise that i am not very well with anxiety and truly terrible pmt and i have tried to make things happy by buying a dog instead of getting well and then being able to cope with a dog . And i wont ever make this mistake again Sad

OP posts:
summer4881 · 31/07/2017 15:36

This is nonsense, it is over excitement which can easily be worked with.

How do you know it's excitement?!maybe YOU could easily work with it but it doesn't sound like the poster feels very confident...

summer4881 · 31/07/2017 15:42

And wolfiefan if your dog was to chase and bite the clothes of a stranger it would be classed as an attack... whether it's just being playful or not.

Dog owners would likely be understanding but someone who disliked dogs wouldn't be...

Original poster
peaksandvalleys · 31/07/2017 15:48

my instinct was that he was over excited and a bit confused . i messaged the previous owner and said we had concerns , she said he is absolutely fine with children and adults but she never runs with him . I dont want my son to be wary and i also dont like the way he bites ( play biting i think) my hands when i am pointing to his ball for example . if my little nephew comes round and that were to happen it could put him off dogs for life . saying that the dog has been totally chilled out all day but i still feel like this isnt right for us sadly . it may be my hormones talking as i feel really axious without the dog to worry about , i'm beginning to think i have pmdd but in any case thats not good for a dog either is it .

OP posts:
whereismyparachute · 31/07/2017 15:55

How do you know it's excitement?!maybe YOU could easily work with it but it doesn't sound like the poster feels very confident...

It's basic knowledge of reactive dog behaviour.

You stated that you 'work with dogs', what do you do exactly?

You told the op that it was aggressive behaviour, I am pretty confident that going by the description, it isn't.

I hope to God you are not setting yourself up as a dog behaviourist.

Floralnomad · 31/07/2017 15:55

I seriously think you need to give it a few days , and stop following the ridiculous 'routine' from the previous owner , providing you don't change his food too quickly he's your dog you do what you like . If he gets too excited about having a ball , take it away and only let him have it on walks . You need to give your son time to come round to the idea and get used to the dog , and the same for you . There was another poster on here who had an autistic son and she bought a golden retriever puppy and was in your exact position and it all worked out well in the end . Please give yourself , your son and this dog a chance.

summer4881 · 31/07/2017 15:57

Where did I state it was aggressive behaviour?

whereismyparachute · 31/07/2017 15:59

Here, you clearly implied an unsafe and agressive dog...

If your child is at risk from the dog... Biting trousers... you should rehome the dog either back to the breeder or to a rescue who will assess and rehome to the right family.

Anyway, back to supporting the op.

summer4881 · 31/07/2017 16:01

I think I stated the dog needs an experienced owner... and time, patience and training....

summer4881 · 31/07/2017 16:02

A play biting can still harm a child can it not?!

HeyRoly · 31/07/2017 16:02

Stop arguing with me MeanAger. I was referring to your post at 12:57 and Adalind at 13:03. That's two. One plus one.

Laine21 · 31/07/2017 16:03

A good dog trainer will help all of you to adjust to having a dog in your home.

We took in a 4 year old rescue last year......and shes still a real trial at times, but she is now part of the family. (took the cat 11 long months to accept her)

having a dog is hard work but can be rewarding, try a dog trainer before you make any rash decisions. Imagine if in a few days after moving the dog on, you change your minds again?

whereismyparachute · 31/07/2017 16:05

summer4881 again I am interested to know your 'work with dogs'?

KoalaDownUnder · 31/07/2017 16:06

It's a little Maltese terrier that was let off its lead when it had just been rehomed with strangers. And nipped at trousers in excitement.

The trousers of an 18-year-old man, not a child, btw.

KoalaDownUnder · 31/07/2017 16:08

I don't understand why people get dogs when they're not willing to persist at the first minor hurdle. Just nuts.

Ylvamoon · 31/07/2017 16:12

First (if you haven't already done so) ditch his routine in favour for one that works for you.
Second, keep bed for now + 1-2toys, and give new ones that you will use to play with him.
Thirdly, walk dog calmly on lead (don't let him off for first 7-14 days).
Last, get him addressed by a trainer and attend training classes - with DS2.

Don't forget, your dog needs time to settle into his new life. You can help him by being calm and predictable.

Ginorchoc · 31/07/2017 16:13

You shouldn't take the dog off the lead until you're confident on recall. My terrier walks fine on the lead, if I take her running she nips at my ankles because she thinks it's a game, your Terrier prob also thinks it's a game. You need a trainer as you're not confident with the dog. Although I think your expectations do not meet reality.

Ylvamoon · 31/07/2017 16:14

Ment to say assessed.

summer4881 · 31/07/2017 16:16

I'm interested to know where your parachute is... and also why you have such a problem with my statement when it's clear people's opinions would be 50/50 on this.

I don't think the dog is aggressive, I do think it can be trained but it doesn't sound like she's up for the challenge based on what she's told us... that's it black and white. You disagree, that's fine.

InvisableLobstee · 31/07/2017 16:17

Op you do sound like the situation with the dog may have set off your anxiety. He doesn't sound like a really difficult dog but it seems like he may be an extra stress just when you don't need one. I know dogs are sometimes therapeutic for anxious people but it depends on whether you find them soothing and enjoy looking dogs in general and also on the dog itself and its behaviour. Some anxious dog lovers might find sorting out doggie behaviour problems takes their mind off their worries and enjoy relaxing doggie cuddles and walks, others might find it all an extra source of worry. So it's a very individual thing with dogs and I think you should consider it carefully.
If you think it's definitely a mistake and the previous owner is genuine with her contract and will take him back and maybe refund at least some of your money then do it and don't feel bad. It sounds like previous owner cared a lot about him so he will be ok if you return him.

Flippetydip · 31/07/2017 16:20

We had massive "what on earth have we done" feelings in the first week - overwhelming to the point that I wanted to take DDog back to the rescue. DH also felt the same but said there was no way we could send her back, we'd made the commitment and just had to get on with. Thank goodness he did say that, we're two months in now and really really couldn't be happier with her, she's settled beautifully with our family and we all love her so much. I would say these feelings of anxiety are completely normal - I woke up feeling sick about it every day for the first 10 days or so - pathetic I know but there you are. Now I wake up and go downstairs to be greeted by a gorgeous dog turned turtle on the sofa waiting for a belly rub.

Good luck with whatever you decide but do be assured that feelings of anxiety in the first week or so are totally normal.

whereismyparachute · 31/07/2017 16:21

summer4881 you stated that you 'work with dogs' to give weight to your opinion.

I suspect that you don't or if you do you shouldn't be.

My problem with your posts is that you attributed excitable behaviour as aggression which is pretty basic knowledge (if you know dogs).

That's my problem, you also suggested re homing the dog as first point of call.

I am not going to keep arguing with you but don't come on and suggest some kind of expertise that you don't have.

CornflakeHomunculus · 31/07/2017 16:31

It is completely normal to have that "Oh shit, what have we done?!" when you get a dog. It's a huge change for everyone involved, the dog included. It can happen even when the arrival of the new puppy/dog has been very carefully planned and eagerly awaited for ages.

Do you, and the rest of your family other than your DS, actually want a dog peaks? It does sound a bit from opening post that you had very valid reasons for not getting a dog but suddenly made a very rash decision to get one without much research or forethought.

What's done is done though and you now have the dog. The options are either hand him back or try and make things work.

If you want to do the latter I agree you're best off getting in a decent behaviourist/trainer who can work with all of you to help settle him in and deal with any issues he has. Go through one of the organisations on this list to be sure you're getting someone reputable.

In the meantime I'd recommend joining the Dog Training Advice and Support FB group and posting in there. It's run by professionals who will be able to offer advice on how best to manage things whilst you get sorted with someone who can see you in person.