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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

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Original poster

Ex wants dog back- whats reasonable?

101 replies

rumred · 28/09/2015 20:45

Hello all

relationship ended last week after 9 months, no major issue, just not compatible in the main. she asked me to have her dog in January- I agreed as she was very unhappy with him and he had a pretty poor quality of life- few walks, left alone, not allowed lots of places, and consequently he shit and pissed inside regularly. im part time, have a dog and walk lots so I took him reluctantly and asked around for people to take him on permanently, as did she. anyway, he settled in and my dog and him are very happy, enjoy being together and he's part of the local community . and he's grown on me, I'm very fond of him now, he's part of the family. and he's a happy, proper dog

tonight she rang and demanded him back. I imagined we'd sort some shared care thing. no. she's reinvented history and he had a great life and she loves him. and more importantly he's her dog, she owns him. I'm completely thrown. he would have a shit quality of life with her and as I said he's settled in and is happy here. he stayed with her son when we went away for a week and it was awful- he was unhappy, cried a lot, son didn't enjoy it or walk him, although miraculously now he wants him back (son is adult so should be able to look after him)

I don't want to do the wrong thing. any thoughts please?

OP posts:

twelfstripe · 20/10/2015 12:16

It sounds like she has very little interest in the dog, but sees this as an opportunity to have power.

Of course keep the dog.

I don't think there is much to be gained from continued dialogue. I would send her a formal letter requesting your belongings back, and offering her belongings of x,y and z which you have. (Be specific so it is obvious this doesn't include the dog). Give her 2 weeks to arrange a date for exchange, otherwise start small claims court action. Or swallow the cost if you can't be bothered.

CrumbledFeta · 20/10/2015 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aginghippy · 20/10/2015 13:38

'Possession is 9/10th of the law' is an old saying, not an actual legal concept. OP's ex could take her to court, but it's a lot of trouble and expense. I doubt she would be bothered.

I agree with pp, don't engage in any more communication about the dog.

You don't really need to meet to exchange your possessions. IIWY I would ask a friend to take the stuff, make the arrangement and do the exchange. That takes all the emotion out of it.

RandomMess · 20/10/2015 15:43

I'm feeling like a complete bitch but I'd be tempted to give her a stuff toy version complete with bill for boarding, feeding and vet bills for said do since January...

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 18:58

I compose withering speeches telling her how badly she's behaved - generally - but dignified silence is probably best. And she did walk him on her own occasionally while we were together. She's not all bad, just a bit deluded and lacking in self awareness.

Anyway, she won't let this lie yet, she feels she's been wronged

OP posts:

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 19:05

NO! She surrendered him to you. Do not give the dog back...if only in the interests of the dog. Your ex is being completely unreasonable...time to point out a few home truths to her and to tell her not to get another dog until she can meet his or her needs. Sounds like an entitled person - tell her she gave the dog up, he is happy and settled. If it gets ugly, seek legal advice if you can. I would also be careful of letting the dog off the lead in public for the next few months at least. If she can coax him when he's loose to come to her you might have a hard time proving ownership...
Are you now registered as owner, btw? Eg micro-chipped under your name and address?

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 19:08

An exchange would be better this way: do not see her or allow her to see the dog. Ask her to (after arranging, of course) to drop your stuff off at a relative's or friend's house and vice versa. I would not see her if I could help it.

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 19:10

Oops, get him registered at a vet's and microchipped in your name and address ASAP.

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 19:20

Hi shmoo he is registered and chipped now. Yes dropping stuff at a friend's would be so lovely. God that'd be great. It's difficult communicating with someone deluded. She just couldn't understand why I wanted to end the relationship and what our incompatibilities are. So I'd rather not bother speaking with her again. I had hoped she'd have him occasionally. She said early on she preferred me having him, as opposed to a stranger, because it meant she could still see him. I naively hoped we could agree to him still seeing her. Probably not a good idea now, though to an outsider he's mine and never has been hers (not vet registered or chipped)

OP posts:

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 19:44

So glad you got him chipped - that's great. He is legally yours. You have texts proving she asked you to have the dog (and not temporarily!!) and he's now registered under your name and address...that's the top and bottom of it! He is happy with you too, something others have alluded to (in comparison with his behaviour when he was with your ex). It's lovely he gets along with your other pets (and you actually understand and give the dog what he needs).
I know I don't know you but you sound like a lovely person (ignore the crappy comments!) and I think it's great that you have taken the dog on and are giving him the life he (and every dog) deserves.
I actually - given what you've written - have to wonder if your ex can't take the fact you (rightly if it wasn't right for you) ended things with her and is using the dog to hurt you!
I would actually just let the £400 worth of goods go (if you can) or as others have suggested send a letter saying you'll get the police involved. For me, though - as I suspect for you - unfair as it is, the dog comes before material possessions.
Document everything (like her threat to try to come and get the dog back and then not turning up). Keep those texts. I think the best thing you've done is to is to chip him under your details.
I think you're a star! I hope everything works out. Keep contact to a minimum.
I think - as fickle as she sounds - your ex will lose interest soon (just hope she doesn't get another dog!).
I know there are two sides to every story but you clearly have the interests of YOUR dog a heart! :)

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 21:18

shmoo thank you for such lovely comments, it's really kind of you. You have indeed only got one side of this story but I hope/believe I've been fair even though I'm clearly not objective.

I accept my.stuff is unlikely to be seen again. I won't pursue it, just want to move on and learn from this. More appropriate for relationship board but frankly I'm rubbish at choosing partners and it's time to give up, at least for now. That much I've learned. And reminded, as if needed, how much I value mn. Love it

OP posts:

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 21:20

shmoo thank you for such lovely comments, it's really kind of you. You have indeed only got one side of this story but I hope/believe I've been fair even though I'm clearly not objective.

OP posts:

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 21:29

Sorry for duplicate post

OP posts:

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 21:30

....you deserve it!

Original poster

rumred · 20/10/2015 21:31

Sorry for duplicate post

OP posts:

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 21:31

....you deserve it!

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 21:32

....you deserve it!

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 21:33

Sorry for the triple one...no idea what's going on!

ShmooBooMoo · 20/10/2015 21:34

Sorry for the triple one...no idea what's going on!

ShmooBooMoo · 21/10/2015 00:28

Awwww....that is such a cute pic! Clearly two dogs that are well looked after and very happy in each other's company

Original poster

rumred · 21/10/2015 05:43

Don't know what was going on last night with all the duplicates...
They are happy dogs indeed

OP posts:

CrumbledFeta · 21/10/2015 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toastyarmadillo · 21/10/2015 08:08

Keep the dog, she can't even show she's looked after the dog if she has not bothered ever registering it with a vet or bothering with immunisations. She has no proof of care really.

RandomMess · 21/10/2015 13:25

Awwwwwwwwww clearly very happy to be a pair rather than 2 onlies!!!

Adorable

G1veMeStrength · 21/10/2015 13:33

Aw I love them. Big Dog and Little Dog. Great combination. We have a family song that goes 'Big Dog and Little Dog'

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