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Original poster

Ex wants dog back- whats reasonable?

101 replies

rumred · 28/09/2015 20:45

Hello all

relationship ended last week after 9 months, no major issue, just not compatible in the main. she asked me to have her dog in January- I agreed as she was very unhappy with him and he had a pretty poor quality of life- few walks, left alone, not allowed lots of places, and consequently he shit and pissed inside regularly. im part time, have a dog and walk lots so I took him reluctantly and asked around for people to take him on permanently, as did she. anyway, he settled in and my dog and him are very happy, enjoy being together and he's part of the local community . and he's grown on me, I'm very fond of him now, he's part of the family. and he's a happy, proper dog

tonight she rang and demanded him back. I imagined we'd sort some shared care thing. no. she's reinvented history and he had a great life and she loves him. and more importantly he's her dog, she owns him. I'm completely thrown. he would have a shit quality of life with her and as I said he's settled in and is happy here. he stayed with her son when we went away for a week and it was awful- he was unhappy, cried a lot, son didn't enjoy it or walk him, although miraculously now he wants him back (son is adult so should be able to look after him)

I don't want to do the wrong thing. any thoughts please?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/10/2015 21:34

How about calmly texting back "I'm sorry that you won't let me have my things back as I can't really afford to replace them. However x will be remaining with me because he's settled and happy and it isn't fair on him to be moved between homes I took him on as a lifelong commitment when you said you no longer wanted him it was never a temporary arrangement which you know. If you decide to let me collect my belongings I am available to collect on either x y or z"

RandomMess · 18/10/2015 21:37

Could your x just be trying to have some sort of dialogue with you because they want it back/hasn't moved on/wants to hurt you - even if it's only on a subconscious level?

Original poster
rumred · 18/10/2015 21:44

Yes I think there could be an element of sub conscious stuff going on but she'd never admit or consider it. It wasn't as clearcut as her handing him over either. She wanted rid, I took him as a favour, and once he stopped soiling and being a burden she liked him again. So she made noises about 'he's mine' and was weird actually now I look back. I should have tackled it head on.instead I went for status quoand biting my tongue.

But she had him only 1 night in 9 months. She likes the idea of him- he's a classically cute dog- but she didn't want to walk him much and spent very little time with him. He's very fond of her, but the night he went to hers he cried constantly. She told me this. You wouldn't think I was a wimp if you knew me...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/10/2015 21:59

Why are you keen to appease her?

Is it about getting your stuff back or her not being angry with you?

Original poster
rumred · 18/10/2015 22:14

Hm. It's both. And a terrible fear of upsetting her, or anyone. I deal with conflict regularly but deep down I hate it, particularly if it reflects badly on me. Having said that, noone I've spoken to thinks the dog should go to her. But of course they only have my account of events. It has churned me up, due to my poor judgement of her and because I'm taking on a financial commitment which may be quite major. But it's the right thing to do for the dog, bottom line.

OP posts:
Original poster
rumred · 18/10/2015 22:16

And thank you random for taking the time to give me your insights. It's really made me think

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 18/10/2015 22:28

I think random's text is a good 'un

ThisFenceIsComfy · 18/10/2015 22:31

Just hold your nerve. Sure she'll get angry but really it will be short-lived and to no longterm detriment to your life. I too hate conflict but it's in the dogs best interests.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 18/10/2015 23:08

Why don't you take the dog to be microchipped tomorrow? It takes seconds and costs about £15 - you can get it free via the dogs trust or PDSA but you might not be able to get it done immediately

KiwiJude · 19/10/2015 01:37

Yep, get pooch chipped pronto, take the hit on the money and lose/block her numbers. She sounds pretty fickle and if things with pooch and her didn't work out I'd bet she wouldn't admit it to you, and pooch would end up in a shelter or worse.

Original poster
rumred · 19/10/2015 06:21

Yes random's tx is good. My draft tx is pointing out how she didn't look after him and wanted rid. I don't know if that's needed or not, but given she's reinvented the past and is ignoring the less savoury bits I'm tempted to outline points for her. She's making me out to be a dog stealer. Obviously people who know me, and many who know her, will know where the truth lies. Or am I being overly concerned with appearances?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/10/2015 06:51

I would send a letter, possibly a solicitors letter, saying that she gave the dog away and you consider it yours and that you will not be giving the dog back. Tell her that you expect to be able to collect your belongings by x date and if by that date you haven't been able to collect them then you will consider it theft and be contacting the police.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/10/2015 06:53

I wouldn't get involved in tales of how she didn't look after the dog. Firstly she will have convinced herself it's not true. Secondly it's irrelevent, she gave the dog away! Doesn't matter from a legal pov whether she cared for the dog or not, it's not her dog.

CrumbledFeta · 19/10/2015 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rumred · 19/10/2015 10:45

Thanks for all the comments. I'm getting him chipped this afternoon and will let her know he's staying regardless of whether I get my stuff back. He's a different dog since he came to live here. Sociable, Confident and happy. And no soiling. Thanks again

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/10/2015 12:24

I wouldn't mention who she didn't look after him just that you agreed to take the dog on as a permanent new home not as a temporary foster and it isn't fair on the dog to go back to being an only dog when it is so much happier with company etc.

Good luck!!!

Original poster
rumred · 20/10/2015 07:41

I told her he was staying put and she's livid, accusing me of not interpreting things correctly - that she didn't want the dog?she didn't elaborate. I've asked where we will meet to exchange belongings, awaiting a reply. I was straightforward and factual, no accusations or emotion, thanks to advice here.
He's chipped now as well so nearly there I think.

OP posts:
CrumbledFeta · 20/10/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rumred · 20/10/2015 10:24

Ha a lawyer friend said this too. How tragic would that be. Or perhaps....

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 20/10/2015 10:30

Judge Judy would wipe the floor with your ex.

Branleuse · 20/10/2015 10:36

just say look, you gave me the dog as you couldnt cope. Ive had him for months, hes settled in, hes happier, he is my dog now. You asked me to keep him, not to look after him on loan for months and months. Youre not having him back, sorry.

Original poster
rumred · 20/10/2015 10:39

Branleuse I've said all this, she's reinvented the past, but fortunately I've got texts from January that clearly outline what happened and why. God it's more jeremy Kyle at times

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 20/10/2015 10:40

Definitely keep the dog.

Does anyone else remember Neighbours when two 'owners' were trying to claim Bouncer? Was it Joe and Jane?

Branleuse · 20/10/2015 10:42

just stop replying to her then

Original poster
rumred · 20/10/2015 11:03

I will once we sort belongings out. We need to do an exchange - I don't want to keep her stuff and I'd like mine back. Trouble is she now sees dog as one of her things that I have.
I've good friends around who know the score so just riding this out and I've used this thread to double check I wasn't being unreasonable

OP posts: