Stuff you just can't explain to dogs

[HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen]

IT'S A PEACH!!!!!!!!

It's not a ball. I am eating it, see? Stop sitting, it's a peach. Go away its a peach. It's not a ball, sod off. Look. Just. Let. Me. Eat. The. Peach.
No! It's not a ball.

Let's go find your ball.

THERE IS NOT A PENGUIN IN THE GARDEN!!!!!!

Woof woof! Woof! Grrrrrrr woof wooooooof! Grrr!

Shush! Settle. Good gir....

Woof arooooooooooooooow woofwoof grrrrrrrrrrr

Look the penguins on t.v. See? That's a reflexion on the window now settle. Good gir.......

Woof woof grrrrrrrr

Grrrrrrrr woof

Woof! Woof? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE ARE NO PENGUINS IN THE GARDEN IT'S THE TELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm not the only one with stuff I can't explain to dogs. 'Fess up please.

To my mums dog - I'm sorry I was taking so long making eggs for breakfast. You know full well I'd have caved and saved you some - there was no reason steal them and crunch through the shells. Honestly, my scrambled eggs contain less no shell and are far nicer if you'd just be patient...

Also - chewng a tube of deep heat is never a good idea. Yes, we see you desperately trying to remove the burny feeling from your tongue and but sorry, I'm laughing too hard to be sympathetic just now!

And me hiding the chocolate cake in the laundry basket for the surprise party was not a hide and seek game to keep you occupied!

Ddog1 - walnut whips are not a dog treat, I know you managed to steal one and obviosly found it delicious but chocolate is seriously not good for you. (Thank goodness you have a robust system).

Ddog2 - we don't get thunder every time it rains so you don't need to worry so much.

Ddog3 - we might have left the room but stop table surfing, there's nothing on it you can eat (this time) and we know what you're doing, get off the table!

Crying with laughter at this-brilliant!

BossyDog you know the 2 black things are devilspawn cats.

You know they are naughty and I hiss at them when they climb the curtains/claw the carpet/ fight each other.

So WHY do you immediately jump up looking guilty when I shout "Oi cat stop that" Every.Single.Time.

I'm trying to brush you, it's not a game! I know I'm laughing, but that's because you're trying to play with the brush. Stop it, I'm trying to brush you!

Get the ball then. Yes, it went over there. You were about three feet from it. Get the ball! It's there! I can see it, why can't you? Why not use that incredible nose of yours to find it? IT'S THERE! No, that's my finger, THE BALL IS THERE! Oh I'll just get it shall I?

I LOVE this thread. Our little fur face has so many of the annoying idiosyncratic habits that everyone is taking the piss out of lovingly describing .

And another one...
I know you love the vet because she gives you treats. Please don't sit in the waiting room whining (loudly) in anticipation and launching yourself at every dog that walks past because you think it might be your new best friend. It's just embarrassing.

Fabulous blog you linked to there Trills

To my brother's Border Collie.

You know how you go absolutely ape-shit if we make the cat call sound (chh chh chh) and say "where's the cats?", well you know the ginger/white thing and the black/white thing that live with me, they're cats. That's right - the scary beasts who when you come face to face with them, you forget that they are your arch enemies and instead become paralysed with fear, can only stand completely still, but if they move toward you then you run in the opposite direction - you've not made the connection that they are "cats" have you

Oh and the sheep on the tv - they aren't hiding behind the tv trying to trick you, I promise.

You can really only fit one of your Kong toys in your mouth at one time.

My dog steals your toys, she is a big bully, stand up to her - be a man-dog!

Finally, I find it really insulting when I come to visit that you will only say hello to me once you have realised that DD is not with me. The pathetic searching you do, whining by the front door, expecting her to come in after me. Insulting.

You do give amazing cuddles though, so I forgive you

Stinky bog dog I love you but finding every muddy sloppy puddle/bog and then lying in it is not good, you stink.

Hiding the evidence of things you have stolen to eat in your bed points the finger at you and not ds, I am still amazed how you managed to eat a whole loaf of bread.

Stop giving the rabbit our shoes, we know he didn't steal them from the shoerack so stop trying to get him in trouble.

Nothing bad has ever happened to you with regards to the clothes horse cling film or very shallow puddles so chill out, you weigh 6stone i can see you on the sofa. You are not stealth-like, climbing into the sofa slowly doesn't mean I can't see you, your bum isn't that delicious that you have to clean it that loudly for that long, when you are having quality time with your bed/girlfriend you do not have to stare me straight in the eye. I love you, you stink so bad and are so ugly but I still think you are my puppy, just a giant version now x

This is such a fantastic thread - it really should be gathered together and made into a book! Just shows that dog owners need a great sense of humour and a lot of patience

I know you can't get comfy in your bed. That's because you have spent the last 30 minutes trying to kill it and it is now upside down.

It's no good whining and going round in circles. You are not going to get comfy. That is the scratchy grippy side that stops it slipping on the carpet.

The nice padded cushion is on the other side of the room because you tried to kill it.

No it's no good moaning you only have the cushion and no bed to have either way up. Eventually you did kill it and its stuffing fell out. No your not getinga new one.

No! Don't eat that bird, ffs, the DDs have just had daddy rescue it after it accidentally flew in through the open window and it's been head butting the wall and everything, trying to escape. DDs'll be heart broken if you gobble it up, oh

Dear fluffy dog,
I love you to pieces but I know the baby is crying. See I am holding him trying to stop him from crying, I don't need to to howl as loud as possible to tell me he is crying. Yes now he is crying louder to be heard over your howling, that doesn't mean you need to howl louder too.

When we are on the park I love that you are excited to see the tennis ball but the whole point if fetch us that you BRING THE BALL BACK, you don't just run after it and then wander off sniffing.

The postman comes most mornings, what he puts through the letter box are pieces of paper, they are not thin white aliens trying to attack and kill us, you can leave them alone.

The reason the box of chocolates is in the recycling is because its empty, I didn't put it there for you to find and rip up round the kitchen.

You do not need to sniff every post and just because a dog is bigger than you, which lets face it, is 90% of other dogs, does not mean you can go mental trying to bark at it. Being on your lead does not necessarily mean I'll protect you if it chooses to retaliate and if you weren't on you lead I know you wouldn't dare bark.

You can continue to chase those birds if you wish, but once they are in the air you are never going to catch them so save your energy for something less futile.

Ddog3 - No you are not a gremlin, yes you do look remarkably like one but when daddy makes that sing songey noise like a gremlin you don't need to get all silly and squirmy, you are a dog, not a gremlin.

Yes the sun is making reflection marks on the wall. No you really don't need to try and climb the wall and try to catch it.

You are not the same size as the cat. The back of the sofa and window sill are not going to fit you on them.

There is nothing under that sofa cushion..... See nothing under any of them. But thanks for rearranging them on the floor.

To DSIL's small dog.

Yes I know you think you are a fierce giant pitbull that takes no prisoners.

I have seen you squaring up to a Great Dane who had the temerity to walk calmly down the road not knowing it was YOUR manor and therefore private.

But you are a jack russel x yorkie, and smallest of both, so get over yourself.

To DM dog

Thank you so much for dashing out the car and running into the wrong house and then in blind panic revert back to your puppy days and promptly wee. My neighbours weren't overly pleased with that introduction if we're being honest.
It's fine for you, you got to go home again. I have to live here. And now get complained at for random things I have no control over - like the cat walking across their fence, or the rain falling the wrong way and probably it's my fault she fell over in her garden the other day.
But just so you know, your still the prettiest little lady out there. Even if you do wee all over random houses.

If you throw all your toys down the gap between your create and the sofa you will have no toys. No amount of whining will make them come out. Looking at me with those eyes will not make me get them out. No I won't do it. It is not a game. Stop looking at me. Shut up. No. Here have your toys. No don't do tha....... Argh!

Bossybritches,,
My retriever is terrified of Yorkies and Westies, so maybe she has a point!

Please let mummy cut your nails. It's for your own good and no, I really am NOT trying to kill you. No need for the nervous breakdown. Ditto bath time.

Oh god yes the nails. I am not trying to hachet off all your legs just trim the very tippy tips off.

Oh and do you you think you could stop trying to savage the gardener through the patio doors now? It's getting boring. He comes every single day, at the same time, and waters the same plants in the same order with the same hose. You don't see me running around and screaming do you? So why do you feel the need to do it? Huh?

Cake wrappers are not food.

My alarm goes off at 6.15 am each morning. I really don't need to be woken some mornings at 5.50. Or to be looked at scathingly if I come down at 6.15 to let you out on one of those days you want a lie-in.

If you throw your chew into the middle of DS's lego collection I might not be able to find it, however longingly you look in its direction.

Please give me a hint - I can't read your mind when you woof at me and stare determindly at me, you need to show me what you want.

My toes will not hurt you, they're part of me and I'm in control of them - you don't need to jump everytime you realise they're near you, I won't kick you - I know that's why you're worried.

Staring at someone at the front door and wagging your tail at them gives us absolutely no hint that anyone wants us to go to the door - if you could perhaps woof to let us know that would be really handy.

I know that our bed had a nice mattress and a duvet, just like yours - but its OUR bed, not yours - yours in in the corner, and if you didn't dig it up before going to sleep on it, it would be quite comfortable. You've got another bed downstairs, and you could always stay on the sofa, but our bed is for us, not you. DS's bed is for him. And the spare bed is for visitors. No, get off it. And I know that you've just slunk down of ours when I came in last thing....

The compost bucket by the backdoor is for kitchen waste to go on the compost heap. You've already licked the egg shells out, so please don't go through it to pull them out and see if you missed a smear of egg white.