Wednesday night, sending your child, aged 8 to boarding school, do tell me about it as i won't be able to watch!!!

[piratecat]

I couldn't even watch the trailer for it without wanting to weep!

'I'm not impressed with those who wear their kid's inability to function without their helicopter mother as a badge of honour. '

Yes, far better to have an 11-year-old son who'd rather spend the weekend playing terrorist than at home with his own parents.

I'm not able to watch it but reading this thread has been an eye-opener and I've been able to gauge whats been going on.
I'm sure the after-effects of this separation are dreadful, and not worth it. Like someone else posted: what is the point of all that suffering?

Here in Japan its very very normal for the father to be sent abroad or to a random, far away part of the county with his job. Its called "tanshin-funin". The odd wife may move around with her husband, but its generally taken for granted that the woman will live alone in flat or house with the kids, and the husband will rent himself a crappy little flat or room next to his work. He may only see his kids during the holidays (three times a year or so). Obviously the marriages suffer big time and the divorce rate is sky high amongs retirees here because the husband and wife come to realise they can't live together, but come on, you don't choose your husband over your kids!

Not really a fair comparison re: sleep-overs and boarding school. Sleep-overs are exciting because they are unusual and not happening every day.
If thinking that the children you brought into the world should, if possible, remain close, emotionally and geographically, to you whilst young is being a ' helicopter mum' then I am proud to be one.
Many people are forced to make difficult decision whilst juggling family , career, income etc. I think most people consider the sacrifice involved in sending young children to boarding school would outweigh other considerations. It is not being holier- than-thou ; it is , IMO being reasonable.

Cripes that is harsh hf. A huge decision for each family then.

hf - is that right re the fees as I know someones whose husband spends his week and other postings away while she stays at their private house. The children go to a private school where the eldest had to board for a while for them to qualify for the grants. The school is only ten minutes up the road so there was no need for boarding they just did it to 'qualify', but the majority of the fees are paid for by the services.

No wonder theres no money for equipment!!

Whitemonkey - yes it is right! There are some exceptions to the rules - but not many, so it sounds like they are being naughty?

Why don't you phone www.bsawhistleblowers ?

"Not really a fair comparison re: sleep-overs and boarding school."

And it's also not fair comparing boarding school and nursery, as someone was doing earlier. As ever, there is a compromise somewhere between total abandonment and wrapping in cottonwool. Where this compromise falls depends on a lot of things.

Refusing to live in a different house to your children for 40 weeks out of 52 is not helicopter parenting (until they are 18.)

I would call it a barbaric thing to do to children, but the barbarians probably didn't do it either.

What was telling for me too was that the mothers seemed to relish in their victimhood - they used words such as 'must'; 'those are the rules', 'my husband wants it to be so' - they just didn't take responsibility for the fact that they played a part in abandoning their 8yo to be brought up by others ...

I bawled my way through the programme-reconnected with the trauma I experienced being left on my first night in boarding school over 40 years ago.I have found it so interesting to read the debate on these pages.

I was at boarding school between the ages of 9-16. Forces family, both my parents had been to boarding school-father at 5. I hated every moment, did not cope well and was subject to bullying and subsequently spent years in therapy to come to term with abandonment etc. I have no friends from that time. My therapist had seen many people in similar position and believed parting children from their parents so young to be 'brutilising'.

Neither I or my siblings are in the forces and we made a pact a while ago that we would not send our children away.

I am happy now and adore having a proper relationship with my daughter, now aged 10, But the emotions (anger as well as tears)I experienced throughout last night's programme made me realise just how deep the trauma was. My sympathies with other 'boarding school survivors' and I hope the programme will highlight some of the issues for people intending to combine having children with forces work/lifestyle.

Whitemonkey - exceptions include where you live in own house and sevice person is sent to sea / afganistan / or London, so quite possible they are legit.

To be honest, if we ever consider boarding school (and would be a while off as I wouldn't consider it until boys are 11+), the limitations are such that I bet we wouldn't do it. While it is a perk, it is an expensive perk in that it probably costs you £10k per child per year.

I agree with expat et al.Leaving your child cryiong inconsolably,begging to come home and allowing a stranger to actively encourage putting distance between parent and child is abusive.I know several people who say they don't know their parents because they spent little time with them as children.

campocaro.

They should take away the boarding school allowance and everyone can live in an egalitarian paradise.

Come the revolution etc.

I went to boarding school from the age of 11. I was not a Forces Family. I personally loved it - and my best friend to this day and I used to share a dorm.

I won't send dd to boarding school though as we live in our own house so can't claim the allowance!

My heart goes out to people who did have bad experiences though.

Ms King You could see a gulp of realisation when she said I used to cry every night and beg my mum to bring me home and she never did,
when she said that she didn't convince me that homesickness was something you get over at 8

And Alex, it breaks my heart to think of a child saying basically if you don't go home then you won't feel so bad

To him it was simple if April didn't keep going home then she wouldn't feel so bad

Yes some of the trauma which some posters on here experience watching the programme because it brought it all back - that is a great shame. Very sad.

It must be a tough choice if you are army family ttavelling around a lot, however I would not be able to choose my DH and his career above seeing my children.

I think there are differences in the take up of BS allowance between the forces btw. People on this thread have spoken about it like it is a very common thing, however in the RAF I have only ever come across a very few people using it as an option, which kind of shoots in the foot the arguement of people using it so they can afford the best eduaction for their child - if that was the case it would really common. Unless the local school is REALLY rough, the vast majority of children will be better of at home with interested, supportive parent or parents. I come from a thoroughly forces background and went to whatever the local school was where we were living at the time. My parents could have accessed a nominally better education for me by sending me away but didn't want to do that - the support and encouragement i got from home made up for the fact that the school I went to wasn't great.

More an Army thing then.

That would be 'education'.

Despite not attending the best school...I did get one, honest!!

The last time I lived on a Patch everyone's children (above the age of 8-11) were away at Boarding School.

I was the one who compared full-time nursery for babies to boarding school and I still think it's valid. Don't they have similar 'coping techniques' when tiny children want their mum? Don't they jolly them along and say 'don't make a fuss'? I bet they do. And the child can't even express itself.

Yes you can cuddle your child at night. A boarding parent can cuddle their child for nine weeks in the summer (they have MUCH longer holidays than day schools). But either way you may not be there when they need you and you're letting a stranger comfort them and that's the choice you're making.

I wouldn't judge that choice, everyone does what they have to do, but to call one 'child abuse' while you condone the other is, for my money, hypocritical.

"Leaving your child cryiong inconsolably,begging to come home and allowing a stranger to actively encourage putting distance between parent and child is abusive"

I think it's all on the same spectrum.

The other down side to the BS allowance are the restrictions on living in married quarters and having to move all the time - which also makes it very difficult for the wife to stay with her husband and build a career - kind of lose/lose really. No kids and no career either.

It's private schools that have longer holidays - not boarding schools.

My goodness as I send my dd to nursery full-time I may as well send her away at 8 too.

Coffeeaddict- I completely agree. For example, consider a baby being sent to a nursery full-time from the age of 6 months-school age to allow the mother to work full time. They are not only being brought-up mainly by others, but the mothers could most certainly miss out on the first (and most rewarding imo) milestones: crawling, sitting, walking, first words. Holidays at boarding schools are, in general longer than other schools, so lots of mummy time-compared to the few weeks of holiday time a full-time working mum gets.

I think 8 is too young to be a boarder. I really felt for poor little April. Notice how, when her dad came to visit and asked for a hug, she ran straight to her mum almost blanking him. It appeared to me the bond between her and her dad was very weak- probably a result of him being away for months on end.

redroof - it's not always the case that being away (as most members of the forces - inc mothers - have to be at some point) leads to a weak bond with your children. It is not an easy thing to do, but there are many forces parents who have a fantastic bond with their kids.

The alternative would be to either have armed forces who don't leave the country, or ones where everyone leaves when they have children thereby stripping the armed forces of all its experienced and skilled staff. Neither of these are ideal propositions.