Wednesday night, sending your child, aged 8 to boarding school, do tell me about it as i won't be able to watch!!!

[piratecat]

I couldn't even watch the trailer for it without wanting to weep!

Yes boarding school and day nursery - exactly the same thing.

comparison between full time nursery and boarding is just yet more self delusion I'm afraid. As someone said - some parents can justify almost anything in their own minds

I watched the program and it did give me a bit of a different (more positive)perspective on parents who send their children to boarding schools. The mothers on the program all seemed to be acting very unselfishly - they believed that they were acting in the best interest of their children.
I think myself, if I had a DH who moved around a lot with work, I'd choose to stay in one home while he worked away and give the children stability that way. But that's just what I would do - it's not necessarily the best option! Perhaps it's because I'm too selfish and don't want to miss out on spending time with my children.
I thought once they settled in the children on the program seemed to be having a pretty good time. However, I found it very sad that they were told to deal with homesickness by keeping themselves too busy to think so they were completely tired at the end of the day... seems a bit of a harsh life for an eight year old to me!

I think it was a shame the whole programme focussed on Army families. After all there are over 60,000 children at Boarding School in the UK.

When I was at boarding school there were a few military families, several girls from overseas etc - but as a rough guess 75% were girls whose parents lived in the UK - some even within 30 minutes.

"Yes you can cuddle your child at night. A boarding parent can cuddle their child for nine weeks in the summer"

Dear me. That is an utterly ridiculous statement.

The difference between a boarding school and a nursery is that if you send your child to boarding school you are completely outsoucring the whole business of parenthood. For an entire long block of time. Not a fixed amount of hours per day.

If my DD was at boarding school I would see her about 4 hours less per day. That's 20 hours a week. Two extra days holiday for every week more than makes up for things time wise. It is possible to maintain a very good relationship with your parents and board form the age of 8.

So, at the end of a 10 week term, 20 days of holiday with mum and/or dad and the amount of time spent as a family is equal. You could argue that the holiday time is more likely to be quality time just as you could argue that little and often is better.

As for 'outsourcing', I met someone with a child at full-time nursery who said something along the lines of 'thank God I don't have to do potty training, they'll do it at nursery'. Ditto weaning.

thedolly, that is a very adult-centric view. Those 4 hours (plus the bits you don't mention, the fact that the child is dropping off to sleep in the security of home and the very numerous illnesses and bad dreams we all as parents deal with in the nights) are hugely, massively important. Many adults either forget this or don't know enough about child development to know how a 'few hours' parenting per day, adding up to a secure childhood at home, is basically everything to a child. Children do not experience childhood by adding together the hours they've spent with their familiies. They experience it as whether they are sent away to cope alone (and it is alone, in the long dark hours of the night - no one else can cope for you)

I refuse to accept this kind of justification of hours involved. It's just not real life

dolly I think you forgot to factor in weekends in your calculation

I boarded a good bit later (from 15), my own choice, and I was very happy. In my case, though, I had never felt entirely safe or secure at home (various problems and stresses at home during my childhood, no fault of my parents) and at school I did feel safe and protected from those worries. Although I was a teenager I felt able to relax and have more of a "childhood" than I had had before. In fact, I found it very hard to leave and although I never missed my family home at all I suffered quite badly from "home"sickness for my boarding house after I left school for university.

That's a very particular set of circumstances though, and I would think very carefully about sending a child of my own to board even at that relatively late stage. I think at any age it changes the dynamic between child and parents (and other siblings) in a way that you cannot undo. I found the program last night very upsetting, the children seemed much too young, and I hated the way that they were being told not to show their feelings in order not to upset their parents - what a combination of guilt, sorrow and repressed anger that must set up! I thought all of them (including the apparently confident Lottie) seemed damaged by the experience. I think April's ability to express her feelings was mostly to do with her mother's expression of emotion about the separation. Similarly Lottie, whose mother was maintaining a carefully blithe and confident attitude to the whole thing, was mirroring that behaviour in her own boarding-school persona.

coffeeaddict, I didn't know that potty training could be outsourced!!!... Not at all tempted by sending dcs to boarding school but have to admit that sounds fabulous... does anyone have fond parental memories of potty training?? I'd very willingly pay someone else to do it for me if I had the money...

I thought April was quite an astute little girl: she knew what was an emotionally appropriate response and she couldn't pretend that it wasn't, no matter what the school wanted her to do or what she wanted to do herself.

When she said she thought it was strange that other children didn't feel the same way as she did, or couldn't admit to it, I thought that was very perceptive.

I found the programme very sad and I work with a lady whose teenage daughter passed away a couple of years ago who found it completely unbearable to see people sending their DC away.
The saddest bit was at the end where the girls were saying that 'boarding wasn't so bad' , their eyes looking everywhere about the room but avoideing eye contact with the interviewer and camera.The poor little things had become resigned to their fate and had learned they couldn't even tell the truth about their feelings.And that poor little Alex who had repressed his feelings so much , will be making a psychiatrist very rich one day.
When children haven't got a parent there they try to substitute a close friendship for the mother/child relationship.This is bound to be disappointing because another child can't provide the (psychological) support a parent can.

Was looking through the prospectus of a local independany school recently who accept boarders from Y1 onwards, but will consider earlier on a case by case basis

Someone a few pages ago said that the only ones putting down BS are the ones who haven't been near one.

Well, let me tell you about my dad. Grandad was in the Forces, dad and his three siblings went to BS. All four of them learnt to cope, and accept it. But when they had children, not one - NOT ONE - chose to send their kids to boarding school. My uncle was in the Forces too and his kids just moved with him, even when he was posted in Africa!

My dad will not speak about his experiences in BS, but maintains that it was horrible and he had to become as hard as nails to simply survive.

Another very strange thing is how emotionally detached he and his siblings were from each other as well as their parents. They spoke to each other maybe 2-3 times a year, and never had anything real to say to each other - it was the kind of conversation you'd have with a mate you hadn't met in a few years! My brother and I speak to each other at least once a week (as does dh and his sister) and this was very strange to me. None of them called their parents at all - dad once went three years without speaking to them!! Yet, he was the kindest father ever, so it wasn't like he was a cold fish - he just didn't have a connection with his parents.

When he died, his siblings called and said to mum "Oh dear, that is so terrible." That's it! No tears, no grief! That's how detached they were from each other - the DEATH of one of them didn't matter

So, in conclusion, the parents who are giving all these "fantastic" reasons for sending their kids to boarding school, bullshit. You want your own life with your dh, and you are willing to compromise your children's emotional development for that. Selfish, that's what you are

"The last time I lived on a Patch everyone's children (above the age of 8-11) were away at Boarding School. "

Ditto.

My husband is in the Army and we have two sons (aged three and 18mths) and a third child on the way. When our eldest was born, my husband had a job in Glasgow at the APC and he followed that up with a posting to Edinburgh. So, for three years, we had stability (barring a six month op tour to Afghanistan) but there are no more jobs for his rank and capbadge in Scotland and there's only one job available the next rank up (should he be lucky enough to be promoted).

We bought our own home three years ago, to be near my parents and so I could have some level of support through a period of ill-health. We're staying here while my husband comes home once a fortnight from his current job in London. The boarding school issue is one we'll face in due time as it's already clear that fortnightly commuting is not going to be something we can do long-term and, while it's right for us just now, there's no garuantee that it will remain so. We wouldn't choose to send them away at eight and would prefer to send them later - should that become necessary. Out of all the Army families I know - across all ranks - I only know of one with secondary age children who are educating them in the state system as they move. Everyone else has put their children in boarding school but most seem to have done it at the change from prep to senior school. I'm not looking forward to that decision for us and I'm not sold on the idea of boarding school but we'll make the best decisions we can from our options at that time and that's the reality of ity all.

Forces life (and I can only truly speak about Army life) is different and difficult and there are no easy options when it comes to children, education and keeping your marriage together - divorce rates are high and we have several friends whose marraiges have failed under the pressures of Army life. It's always hard to explain it to civvies, because it really is something you have to experience to understand fully.

For the first 16 years of my life my Dad was in the Army. We moved around a lot and it was hard starting new schools, especially as I got older. I was at 3 high schools but I would have hated to go to boarding school, but then again my mum would ^never&b have sent us. TBH I didn't know any boarders, it was mostly the higher ranking families who sent their childen

Blimey - some people's emotions do run high!

Out of all my old boarding school friends I can't think of one of them who has had need for a psychiatrist.

I hardly even dare say this, my sister was sent to boarding school at age 4 . Not weekly boarding, no Wednesday matches. Term was 12 weeks, with a long weekend for half term. So my parents did not see their 4 year old for 6 weeks at a time. To this day she is terrified of the dark and she is also very detached from the family in the same way as LasttraintoGeneva describes.

I echo Notmummy's post. My father was RAF and as I said before I knew of only 2 who went to bs. WE all went through whatever state school was to hand, many of which(particularly in Scotland) were fantastic. Yes the odd one was not so good but dsis and I still came out of it with degrees, my sister went to a redbrick uni.

Jscot I agree forces life is difficult but we all face difficulties, all couples have trials and tribulations. My mother was dumped up in Scotland at 26 alone having given up her teaching career and not driving. In the 70s the pay even for officers wasn't too hot either. I fail to understand how packing dsis and I off to bs would have helped. To be frank I think it would have finished my mother off.

I'm afraid bleating about civvies not understanding is a total cop out. There is no need to send a child to bs, at my local comp there were 2 bus loads of kids from the local RAF camp,we all managed perfectly well. As others have said forces families that do send their dc to bs use the moving issue to justify something which is cruel and very misguided. It's snobbery at it's worse. They are using moving as an excuse when actually there is no need they just want to take advantage of cheap school fees regardless of their child's sanity.

Other kids at bs go home to the same house in the holidays,the same friends, perhaps gran round the corner. Forces kids on the other hand will be going home to yet another new,cold forces quarter. It won't be home to them as they weren't around to witness the move. They'll have no friends as they won't have been around to make any. These children NEED a homelife,love and masses of interaction to combat the insecurity of moving.

Being told to get on with it when homesick in exactly the same way that they'e expected to get on with the constant moving is just cruel and too much to load on young shoulders. Believe me I've been there, there is no way I could have coped with being away from my parents as well as coping with a forces childhood. To be frank I think I'd have been as screwed up as the only 2 girls I know whose parents were foolish enough to send them away.

Forces Life is different to Civvy Street. Yes, of course all people have ups and downs, trials and tribulations but sometimes the things we face our very different.

I spent the whole of my pregnancy alone whilst dh served in Afghanistan for 9 months.

I agree things are very different but I fail to see how sending dc away to bs would help with this.

I think the programme only showed army kids as it avoided the need to go into the reasons for boarding so they could cncentrate on the girls reaction to baording. The dads are soldiers therefore they have to board. As the discussion on this thread would indicate its not as cut and dried as that. So what about the vast majority of children at BS whose parents aren't in the services. How do they/you justify the decision to send your kids away to be brought up by other people?

I boarded from 10 to 18 and hated it but outwardly i was a little Lottie. It messed up my relationship with parents and siblings (my 4 brothers also boarded at a different school) and like many others who posted on the thread on the subject around xmas time I do believe it has had longterm consequences. I would not send my DSs away and I do not understand those who do (without a very good reason). One of my best friends is taking this course with her DCs at the moment. I cannot speak to her about it and fear our friendship of 27 years may not survive.