My Child won't eat

[Love2bake]

Anyone watching.

I get the feeling this programme is going to make me

I haven't watched the programme yet but have experience of this with my ds. Totally agree that people shouldn't judge unless they've lived it. There's a huge difference between fussy kids who are being indulged by their parents and children with real food issues that can take years of patience and creative thinking to resolve.

My ds is 9 with Aspergers and like bogwobbit and yurt we've had years of struggling to get him to eat. He too ate everything that was offered to him until (controversy alert) he had his MMR then self-restricted until he was eating little more than bread and dairy. With time and effort we've gradually extended his range but this limit lasted about a year.

I can totally understand parents being so desperate to get food inside their child that they'll resort to anything, however crap that food might be. When ds was a baby I'd never have imagined in my wildest dreams that I'd let him loose with a chicken nugget but he ended up eating them for tea for THREE YEARS because we were desperate to get some form of protein into him. He took to them but soon he couldn't manage anything else, however hard we tried. Eventually we used techniques similar to those used by yurt's amazing teacher (huge respect there) and encouraged him to gradually accept small tastes of unacceptable foods, rapidly followed by something he did like so that he'd get used to it. Gradually we got him to real chicken but it was a major operation, every single night. We have never been able to simply put down a plate and know he'll eat, because he couldn't do it. He now has quite a good nutritional diet but it has taken us absolutely years to get to this point, and still he can't handle food combinations or foods touching on his plate. We have never had an enjoyable meal time because it's always a struggle. Not a battle, I must emphasise, because arguing or forcing him doesn't help - we have to stay calm and patient with him all the time or we risk undoing all the progress he's made.

I must add that when I say he can't manage something it's not the same as a fussy child saying "Mum I don't want to eat my carrots" or whatever. When a child has sensory issues around food it will invariably result in a behavioural meltdown because emotionally they can't cope with the assault on their senses and they will rapidly lose control. In our case this would usually result in ds trashing his room and ripping doors off (at age 7). He's better now but there's always that risk lurking in the background.

So please, please don't assume that resolving food issues is easy. I accept that some children are just fussy and the usual methods of introducing new foods would work if they were done consistently but there are some genuine cases out there (and many on MN) who are struggling daily with the basic issue of feeding their children.

i used to be exactly like those children.after being hospitilised and having bit of lining of stomach removed for tests the doctors told my parent it was ok to only give me what id eat rather than forcefeeding me things i didnt.they said id survive on packet of crisps and half a mars bar.when i saw this programme last night i was outraged that the doctor was saying they can have just chocolate etc.then i thought about myself,i did do it in my own time,even now aged 30 im finding new foods that i swore i hated are actually ok.my dd is fussy and i was getting worried(although shes not as bad as i was and i know all the trcks)after watching this and remembering what i was like and how i am now im not so worried.

Have recorded this for tonight.

I know it's going to highlight my ridiculous anxiety and parental failings - am so looking forward to it!

DS decided to get choosy at about a year old, and I stressed and fussed and shouted and made a total arse of myself over it all. WIth the result that he uses food as his control.

I have spent the last year aiming for a laid back 'eat it if you want' approach. Have also been giving him food that I know he likes (not unhealthy but very limited) and small quantities of new stuff. To be honest, he still doesn't like anything 'new', but we are all less panicky which can only be a good thing.

Sounds like this is what prog suggested, so despite my earlier rubbishness, I have clearly matured into an intuitive and jolly splendid parent.

Atich,I'm perfectly willing to believe that I, in some way, caused my ds's food problems. I just don't know what I did to cause it and what I did differently with him that I didn't do with his two elder sisters (who both were fussy but 'normally' fussy iykwim). Most importantly I don't know what I should do now to help him / cure him or whatever.
He has been refered to a paediatrician, nutritionist and pscyhologist by our GP, none of whom were really able to make any difference despite numerous visits by us. They were able to confirm, thankfully, that despite his limited diet ds is physically health.
I waver between despair and acceptance, although now that ds is almost 11 I have noticed a few (very small) glimpses of light that I hope will increase as he gets older. For example, ds actually eating McDonald's chicken nuggets (most parent's idea of food hell - I know exactly what you mean Karen) was a huge step forward. He now even eats home made chicken nuggets, which is even better.
If it was just fussiness, I think I could cope with it, but it's the emotional aspects that I find really difficult. I can remember ds aged 8 sobbing in terror at the thought that I might send him for school dinners.
Finally, cheesesarnie,it was interesting and reassuring to hear from you as someone who had been like this and is now over it sucessfuly. I hope that ds manages this too.

i missed this programme is it repeated at all?

dd2 went through a stage of not eat very much at all.

i have tried to relax around food and is helping. dd2 now eats most of a roast dinner, including stuffing and potatoes, and also eats sweetcorn in small amounts and brocolli in larger amounts.

bogwobbit im still bit 'fussy' but i think its now habit of lifetime.but i will sometimes try new foods.

I pretty much know what caused my dd's issues too. Being ventilated for a long time, being ng fed for a year and having that replaced every couple of weeks (I had one too and having it passed is vile), having chest pain on feeding and thus associating food with pain. It became a fear/pain/control issue.

Knowing the reasons didn't make it any easier to solve. dd is looked after at the same hospital as the programme and has basically been treated in the way advocated. She was weaned on chocolate buttons and quavers and it's taken 14 long years to get her to eat a mumsnet socially acceptable diet. When you have a child who not only doesn't eat but also needs more calories than average just to survive then believe me if they will eat chocolate that's what they get. Frankly I could do serious harm to anyone who said to me that she was pandered to or that she wouldn't starve herself.

I had a chat with dd about this last night and she has lots of memories about seeing the rest of the family eat and her feelings of complete panic and anxiety in case I forced her to eat something against her will . Thankfully she doesn't seem to remember me actually pressurising her although I'm not denying that it didn't happen in the early days.

I was a very fussy child as was my brother (who still, at age 37, doesn't eat any fruit or vegetables except potatoes!).

DD1 weaned really well, eating all sorts of things until she was about 7 months (this was in the days of weaning at 4 months) when things ground to a halt, to the point of her completely refusing anything other than breastmilk for a fortnight. We gradually introduced some of the purees she'd particularly liked but she was often sick after eating and her weight gain gradually slowed down. She was dreadful with lumpy food, although ok with some finger foods. She wouldn't eat anything I'd cooked, just jars.

I was at my wit's end - at the clinic practically every week looking for advice and reassurance. One HV told me to give her chicken bones to suck on . All of them (including MIL, an ex-HV and paediatric nurse) told me she was fine, children don't starve themselves, some children live on air blah, blah - basically treated me like a neurotic mother. Finally when she was 2.5, when she hadn't gained any weight for a year our new GP took notice of me, referred us to a paed. 3 months later she was diagnosed with coeliac disease and after 2 weeks on a gluten-free diet was a changed child. She still has a limited diet - I think she still has food issues because she remembers that some food used to cause her pain. Raw carrots are the only veg she will eat. But she eats lots of fruit and her diet is gradually 'maturing'. But because no-one listened to me, she went through 2 years of unnecessary pain which makes me very .

i'm not really understanding why people who have children with sensory issues, or perfectly understandable phobias caused by pain or medical intervention in early life are bracketed as 'fussy eaters'.

seemed to me that in one case in that programme last night there was a child with sensory issues, and two with parents who should back off because their anxiety was increasing their children's anxiety. that is plumb obvious to me, and i'm not a pscychologist.

rachel's parents otoh were instinctively doing the 'right' thing, they just needed some outside help to progress onto the next step. (that they had been through all the 'usual tricks' of making faces out of food etc seems and has always seemed stupid to me, and i would have said that prior to having a child. it's a fucked-up relationship we have with food in this country, imo and unfortunately HCPs are not immune to being fucked-up.)

Yes, in some issues I am sure its parental issues Aitch. In my case it wasn't and my God was I fed up hearing "helpful" solutions to my child not eating from friends, family and socalled experts. The truth is very little is known about children who won't eat. Having said that, I think I used to be quite a smug parent before having ds2 regarding issues. Having 2 children who munched on broccoli and never refused any type of food, I was fairly suprised when ds2 came along and cried as soon as he saw food. Its really much more complicated than just doing BLW or whatever!

The people on here who are judging these kids and parents, telling them to get a backbone, you should be totally ashamed of yourselves. You have no idea what it's like having a child who's food phobic and you clearly have the empathy of an earthworm.

There were extremes on this programme, like the woman who insisted on feeding her child milk, but not all parents are like that. Some of our kids have serious issues with food.

My dd's 7 and incredibly well behaved, above average intelligence (according to school) but has issues with food textures so has a limited diet. It's not chocolate and wotsits, it's generally healthy food, but the advice and hints and tips we get off other parents make us want to scream.

Yes we have tried to starve her; yes we have tried cooking with her; she has played with food; we eat as a family every night and she sees us eating a wide range of foods. So thank you, for the sage advice but kindly f**k off. I don't give them advice on how to get their kids to read better, go to bed on time, stop hitting them or generally being obnoxious. I'd be really grateful if they'd leave me and my girl alone thanks.

The programme last night was reassuring for some of us, because it showed extremes. It was also reassuring to hear an expert who says don't worry about the kind of food they eat...just back off. I think it even helps to show that the parents are generally responsible in some way for this starting, because it makes you look at your own behaviour.

That poor woman from Doncaster who was trying way too hard was probably a lot like me when I was at my worst with dd. We didn't do aeroplane noises and hover over her, but I did lose the plot when she wouldn't eat 'normal' food. I've screamed at her, nagged her, tried to bribe her, reward her and still, she has her set list of foods that she'll eat. Everything is left to go cold before it's eaten. Nothing has sauce on.

She is, with perseverance, getting better and I have no doubt that she'll be fine. But with any phobia, it's a time consuming process.

If people made the kind of comments about kids with mental problems or learning difficulties we'd descend on them like a ton of bricks, but kids with eating problems? Fair game. It must be the parents fault!

Makes me

Well said Squilly.

I have tried starving DS1 (when he was at his worst.) He didn't eat for 2 days. I can guarantee that any mum will break before a food phobic kid does. I feel ashamed looking back.

We don't advise parents of badly behaved children to beat them but cruelty towards "fussy eaters" is positively applauded.

As for the "make faces with food" advise - has that actually worked, ever? Waste of time.

"Yes we have tried to starve her; yes we have tried cooking with her; she has played with food; we eat as a family every night and she sees us eating a wide range of foods."

LOL, I recognise this too. Also, Have you tried putting him in a high chair? Have you tried yoghurt? Have you tried a different brand of baby jar Having said this, I am sure I would have given similar advice pre-my own non-eating child, so I am not too hard on people. I just stopped talking about it in the end.

And yes, it is really true that a child like this would starve to death rather than eating. I am sure of it.

Nice point waffletrees. I like the point about cruelty towards fussy eaters...I'd never looked at it that way before, though I daresay my daughter would agree wholeheartedly with it.

And I know parents who haven't been through it can't possibly understand, FairyMum but it's like the tactlessness of women who have children over women who are ttc...or women who have babies easily over those of us who miscarry a lot. You know they can't help it, but oooohhhh, would you not just give a fiver to put a cork in their gobs? Or am I being a tad unreasonable

Oh yes, you mean "just relax, don't stress and you will conceive"Very helpful

What really annoyed me was I had been down and exchausted most avenues by the time I went to the GP and then he asked if I had tried yoghurtI was also blamed because I was bf

I had the 'just relax' thing too. Folks without problems are great aren't they? It didn't help me being one of 6 with 11 nieces and nephews and 15 great nieces and nephews. We usually breed like rabbits in our family

at GP about the yoghurt comment and bf insinuations. We think they know better, but I'm not convinced they do. When it comes to eating, I think there are very few experts in this country and too many interested parties.

The 'expert' on this programme was quite good I have to say, even if the goal of the programme isn't for them to help, but to entertain. I found her quite sensible and not preachy at all. Made me feel better any way!

fairymum i hope you're not suggesting that i'm a. suggesting that BLW has anything to do with anything or b. that i'm being smug.

and if you are then i think you are a. not reading what i've written and b. being unnecessarily prickly.

No, I am not suggesting a nor b. I was referring back to your post about it generally being a parental issue. I know in many cases it is and agree there is too much stress surrounding weaning and too many parents wanting to control what and especially how much their children eat. However, it is very very frustrating if you are a parent with a child who won't eat to be "blamed" or faced with easy solutions to such a complex and individual to your child's issue. Sorry, but having been through the mill with this I am also quite sensitive and easily annoyed I think. Apologise. My smug-comment was actually referring to myself pre-ds2.

see, where as it happens i do think that removing a lot of the stress about children eating would have a good effect is that it would point up the more unusual cases and allow those children to get specific help rather than be run in with the neurotic parent crowd.

but then i see what parents are told about infant feeding by their HVs and i can't really blame an ordinary parent with an ordinary kid who's a bit fussy for getting stressed about it. helping them not to kick things off in the first place would help you, iykwim?

But even where it's the parents' "fault", it is also extraordinarily complex - I remember one particular series of HOTT where the younger daughter had a very limited diet. The parents were great, just lovely and very sensible, but still very traumatised over her birth, which was awful, and where the little girl almost died. I can understand the urge to "over-baby" and coddle in circumstances like that - and if a child has been ill, the desire to revert to looking after them as you did when they were a newborn may well be very strong. And lord knows, these things spiral out of control before you know it, sometimes.

The "But" wasn't directed at you, Aitch - agree v. much with you - in fact, it was an utterly extraneous "But" and should be disregarded.

I think this programme was excellent and it's helped me sum up why I get so het up about comments made on other threads about fussy eaters.
I think posters who say 'back off' are very sensible(as backed up by the expert in this programme), but it still takes a very brave person to say 'and let them eat what they like' in this polarized society of ours where the middle classes over analyse their food to the extreme.
I felt like a failure when my child had reduced himself to peeled fishfingers and this is where posters who say'I'm boss in my house, I put the food on the table they eat it, end of' well good for you, but that resulted in me bullying and starving my child and he still wouldn't eat.
My ds was diagnosed with aspergers at 4 - which is the problem with people saying 'we don't mean it's the parents fault when their child is autistic' - well your child eats at 6 months and some children aren't dx before 10!I had 2 yrs before I thought perhaps I can stop beating myself up about this and stop feeling ashamed of the nuggets. 1 in 100 children are now estimated to be autistic spectrum.

Not read everything so sorry if covering old ground... I watch this as I have a child in the AS who has tourettes and will not eat anything he is not used to, giving him a vertylimited diet, I was looking for tips.... I would not let him live on a diet of chocolate but I do see the point of letting him eat what he is happy with while tryimg to get him to be comforitable with new food.

But I really felt sorry for Aaron who clearly only had a problem with food becaause of his mother, I think she was the one who needed help as treating a 3 and a half year old like a baby is never going to be helpful. Once she stepped back and his dad steped up a bit he was happy to eat.

As for Bobby his parents needed to take a massive step back and not be so full on at meal times.

I also felt so sorry for the little girl who lived on chocolate as she really was trying and still seemed very scared of the toast.