My wife my abuser

[Userxyd]

I'm watching this documentary about domestic violence - physical and emotional abuse over a period of 20 years. Lovely guy just totally abused by a bullying controlling women.
He's telling the story and so are the investigating police officers, saying how shocked they were at his story, and in one clip a female detective is crying when he's said he would change into a shirt with poppers when he knew he would be abused so that at least she wouldn't rip the shirt.
Some of the comments she's said are pure evil - about his mum who died from cancer when he was young "I'd've died too, being related to you". Spitting on him, hating him, absolutely horrific. He's secretly recorded her so we hear her actual voice with the live venom in what she’s saying. He’s softly spoken and stammers quite often- clearly broken. There are videos that he’s filmed inside the house where she’s hitting him and walking around holding a knife.
I haven’t watched episode 2 (of 2) yet.
My question, which I’m reluctant to ask but it’s screaming in my head, is this is obviously horrific, criminal, abusive behaviour and she is rightly locked up now.
But is this any different to what thousands of women face day in day out at the hands of male partners? I don’t think so - and sadly I think women face worse because male partners are generally physically stronger so can inflict worse violence, worse fears of dying, sexual violence etc etc.
Which means why is this made into a tv documentary- is it because it’s a male victim and a female abuser? Is it because there’s compelling recorded evidence they can include? Is it cos they’re youngish (c. 40 I guess), wealthy, good looking, apparently have it all types?
I feel so sad watching it - for the man and his children who’ve suffered this, but perhaps even more so for the thousands and thousands of anonymous women who suffer this and worse and whose stories are too common to be made into tv series.
I just hope that at some point in the next episode there is some acknowledgment from someone that this specific story is horrific, and obviously yes DV does happen to men too, but it’s particularly awful because we all know only too well that this degree of abuse is so common for women at the hands of men.

Surely the purpose of it is to highlight the fact that men can suffer from domestic abuse too and they do not need to keep silent. It a lesser known type of abuse and it happens to fewer men but when it does it's equally horrific.
This doesn't remove the fact women, more than men, suffer domestic abuse daily but that's already a known fact. It is not a competition.

Yes I get that, and wanted to make clear I totally empathise with the guy and his horrible experience.
I think it just irked me that the police discussing the case sound like it's the worst thing they've ever witnessed, with the female officer crying at his reference to his shirt and probably 4 different offficers talking about the case - but surely they would have seen this level of violence and worse, against women, and tbh against children before?
It just seems a bit misleading of them to position it this way when surely all experienced police officers hear of absolutely appalling things day in day out - they should be making clear why this in particular stood out to them against the catalogue of violence they witness.

You clearly don't 'get it' as your follow up post shows.

I think the volume of footage makes the difference too. Seeing her attacking him with their little children standing watching and listening was really difficult to parse. I actually felt very emotional about it in a way I probably wouldn't have just reading about. It's unusual for there to be so much footage of domestic abuse occurring in a home over such a long period of time.

I do- but like you said, it's not a competition- they don't need to pretend this is the worst thing theyve ever seen. So why are they doing that?
They could've been straight and put it into context, acknowledging that they see awful stuff all the time, and saying why this in particular stood out.
Instead they're almost acting - it's as if they've forgotten the masses of DV/CA cases they will undoubtedly have seen.

I agree - I think this makes it more tangible seeing little people hovering in the background - or even sat with her on the sofa at one point.
Plus the venom in her voice is hideous - she sounds like the devil at some points.

Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, whether against a woman or a man. I think it probably happens against men a lot more than records show, because men are a lot more unlikely to report it. I don’t think by putting this on TV trivialises men on women violence. There’s far more programs on domestic violence against women, so it’s good, and can only be beneficial for men in this situation, for it to be put out there for us all to see.

One of the clips made me cry, where one of the little girls was shouting MUMMY while she was kicking and punching him as he lay curled on ground. And then how it just seemed to be normalised, they would just carry on what they were doing or just stand and watch and then just go back to their tablets or whatever. And the poor dog, fleeing as she started beating the chap on the sofa. It's really visceral to actually see it I think. And yes the venom and hate in her voice was really shocking too. I think if there hadn't been the footage, none of us would really know about it, like most other domestic abuse cases

Women abusing men is just as bad as men abusing women. It doesn't matter that men are stronger, they can be just as defenceless as women because they love their partner and don't want to hurt them in self defence. I've seen plenty of documentaries about men abusing their wives but not so many about women abusing their husbands. Yes I know it women more often but the statistics for husbands being abused by wives will be much higher than a lot of mumsnetters care to admit.

I also think the definition of rape should be changed to include anal penetrative, not just vaginal.

Those poor little children, who knows what level of damage it has done to them.

@Userxyd I thought the same thing when the female police officer started crying.
I wondered how many male police officers are moved to tears hearing a woman's account of DV.

Every sympathy for the male victim and the female abuser was a nasty piece of work , awful. But yes the female officers reaction struck me as odd.

I get what you're saying OP and I thought the same.

I also thought the same and struggled to watch it. Undoubtedly that poor man was extremely broken by her but ultimately, he would have been physically stronger than her. All the women on the receiving end of male violence are far more vulnerable.

Absolutely. The male officer having to take a moment in the car etc . Likening it to attending a train crash with multiple fatalities .
There was a strange slant to it . Guess maybe hammering home the "it goes both ways " message but think they over exaggerated it and it ended up looking false . At the end of the day he did not die , awful as it was and yes humiliating due to the social stigma.

Agree with you op.

@AnotherVice

So you think he should of fought back because he was stronger than her? That sounds like victim blaming. Men who love their abusive partners often don't fight back because they know they are stronger and are scared of hurting them, or they are scared that they will be viewed as the abuser if they injure their partner in self defence. Some people are gentle and just don't have it in them to lash out, even in self defence which is what these women take advantage of. Do you think these cowards would have the bravery to be abusive if they thought that their partner might actually hit back? Abused men are just as vulnerable as abused women, just in a different way.

I think the point being made is that despite the psychological aspect ultimately if it came to life or death he could have restrained her to stop her killing him.

Women do not have that luxury. If a man decides he is going to kill you he has a very good chance if not a guarantee of doing it.

2 men a week do not die in the UK at the hands of their female partner

The fact that it mentioned 2 professionals both female cried when hearing his account struck me as odd. When you think of what they must have seen in their careers and surely used to maintaining a professional front. Bursting into tears during the victims statement was highly unprofessional.

I agree that the whole thing was quite odd. That he had the presence of mind to record and catalogue every incident but never lifted a finger to protect his children from it all. And if it had been male on female violence it would have been way too horrific to make a programme of

@diamondsandrose

Some women do kill their husbands. Not as often as men kill their Ives but it does happen. We don't even have accurate statistics for wives abusing husbands because it goes unreported so often but it will be a lot higher than a lot of people on mumsnet like to think.

There have been many TV documentaries, dramas and movies about men abusing women. This is entirely justified as it's a serious topic. The victims of domestic violence should feel that they can speak out and be heard. The perpetrators should know that what they are doing is abhorrent.

This is the first documentary I can recall seeing highlighting that men can be victims too. Does this not also deserve at least a bit of publicity? Or should we just dismiss it as "well, he should've done something about it"?

This is not the point that I or the other apps are making at all. We're not taking away his experience and how awful it was, just the way it was presented from the documentary makers/police staff perspective was strange as if it was the worst thing any of them had ever seen.
The apparent lack of awareness was bizarre, and unrealistic - they will definitely have seen far worse, so why was it positioned this way? It's bad enough to warrant a documentary, just the lack of acknowledgment of so many other people's experiences made it seem naive and ignorant. And police crying and "taking a moment" when the victim is alive, well (mentally broken yes, but not physically) just came across as hammed up for the cameras tbh. How do they respond to murder, CSA- run screaming from the interview rooms?

I watched this and thought it was well done to highlight the female on male abuse, but I do get your point. Maybe the professionals working on it were just more 'immune' to male on female violence, if that makes sense, so this stood out more. TBH it was the children I felt most for. How they just carried on playing around the violence.

What intrigues me most is how she was around other people, family, friends, work colleagues etc, especially when she'd been drinking. Did no one ever suspect what she was really like? She just came across as a rough as, vile, foul mouthed chav to me.

Totally agree and understand the point you're making.

I also think the definition of rape should be changed to include anal penetrative, not just vaginal.

It does include both. Plus oral. The only "limiting" factor is that it is done with a penis, so only men can commit rape.