My wife my abuser

[Userxyd]

I'm watching this documentary about domestic violence - physical and emotional abuse over a period of 20 years. Lovely guy just totally abused by a bullying controlling women.
He's telling the story and so are the investigating police officers, saying how shocked they were at his story, and in one clip a female detective is crying when he's said he would change into a shirt with poppers when he knew he would be abused so that at least she wouldn't rip the shirt.
Some of the comments she's said are pure evil - about his mum who died from cancer when he was young "I'd've died too, being related to you". Spitting on him, hating him, absolutely horrific. He's secretly recorded her so we hear her actual voice with the live venom in what she’s saying. He’s softly spoken and stammers quite often- clearly broken. There are videos that he’s filmed inside the house where she’s hitting him and walking around holding a knife.
I haven’t watched episode 2 (of 2) yet.
My question, which I’m reluctant to ask but it’s screaming in my head, is this is obviously horrific, criminal, abusive behaviour and she is rightly locked up now.
But is this any different to what thousands of women face day in day out at the hands of male partners? I don’t think so - and sadly I think women face worse because male partners are generally physically stronger so can inflict worse violence, worse fears of dying, sexual violence etc etc.
Which means why is this made into a tv documentary- is it because it’s a male victim and a female abuser? Is it because there’s compelling recorded evidence they can include? Is it cos they’re youngish (c. 40 I guess), wealthy, good looking, apparently have it all types?
I feel so sad watching it - for the man and his children who’ve suffered this, but perhaps even more so for the thousands and thousands of anonymous women who suffer this and worse and whose stories are too common to be made into tv series.
I just hope that at some point in the next episode there is some acknowledgment from someone that this specific story is horrific, and obviously yes DV does happen to men too, but it’s particularly awful because we all know only too well that this degree of abuse is so common for women at the hands of men.

I think in many DV cases the police don't see video evidence of what was happening. In this case they did and that's what made it more shocking.

I actually can’t believe some of the things I’ve read on this thread. There’s something I’ve noticed around the debate about infant circumcision, an unnecessary practice that mutilates baby boys, in America it is only kept going for profit, they mutilate babies genitals for profit. Every time the subject is raised someone always has to chime in with, ‘let’s remember that the procedure is not as bad as FGM’, then the whole debate is watered down and forgotten, because obviously that is true. But no one is suggesting that, they were just trying to debate an important thing that now gets swept under the rug, this is exactly what also happens when anyone tries to debate violence, domestic or otherwise against men, it’s exactly what has happened with this thread.

The reverse statistics do not matter just for one hour, if one thing is being debated or shown we don’t have to acknowledge every other aspect of human behaviour for that one hour, nobody has forgotten male on female violence, but the program was about that one guys story, and apparently, according to some here, it wasn’t liked that he was shown sympathy.

Not all men have a fighting nature, men can be soft and gentle and many are. A girl or woman could reign blows down on a guy and any way he tries to defend himself the whole room would turn on him in that moment, you don’t hit girls. It’s not long ago, if at all, that the world stopped laughing at the downtrodden or beaten husband, whacked over the head with a rolling pin, the pathetic, idiotic creature who probably deserved it, but some women can be fucking evil as well, any women, just think back to school or your workplace, you know the type.

Men can be dangerous, and so many are, you will all stop reading when I say I’m a man. I’m a gay man and I’m my younger years I’ve been sexually assaulted numerous times and raped twice by stronger horrible men, I know what they are like. As a child I was abused by an older teen female. None of us should drop the rope on male on female violence, ever, but could there not just be one program about the reverse?

It was a severe case and I think the fact that it was caught on camera makes it more “real” to people, but I was concerned at the comments from the officers about him being a man and even more so that at least 2 commented that they couldn’t believe they were at the right house because it was a nice, big house with a fancy car on the drive. As a probation officer, who has just redone my DA training, we’re expressly taught that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, male or female, from any socio-economic background, surely police officers have the same training??

They obviously do have training but if the vast majority of houses you visit on DV calls are not beautifully furnished, large houses, it is going to be surprising when you attend a call to a house like that. Just because it's out of the ordinary.

I think from reading this thread, and my own reaction, it would be fair to say that many of us absolutely felt horrified for this poor man and his children, and understood why he didn’t leave, and it was just the police reaction that jarred. Not what the victim did, nor the principle of a high profile documentary on female domestic violence.

And I’ve just done refresher safeguarding training and it is very much part of that that a wealthy background is NOT a reason to assume that things are fine. Abuse can happen anywhere, and again, it felt jarring to see the police say that.

The poster upthread who explains more about the police context has helped me understand more but I don’t think overall this is a reassuring presentation of this police team.

Sorry but there will be loads of women with video footage and they’ll be met with victim blaming, being told they have to leave the house and social services saying they had better demonstrate they’re a safe parent who can protect their child.

Misogyny is rife within the police. Especially when it comes to DV

@cookiebee Thank you, Thank you so much for your post.

Would you say that about a female victim? They can divorce their husband/partner. The thing with DV is it's the control, this woman controlled this poor man and abused him to badly he disassociated himself from it, he was at the point he didn't class being punched as an assault as it was 'just a punch'
He kept the film as insurance because she threatened to tell the police he was abusing her and get a restraining order against him so he couldn't see his children.
The poor man was so brainwashed by her he packed her an overnight bag and wanted to know she was ok
As someone else has said the police station the police were from is quite small so may not have seen anything worse, we can't judge them as we don't know. Police are human and I think it was nice to see their honest reaction to it.