My wife my abuser

[Userxyd]

I'm watching this documentary about domestic violence - physical and emotional abuse over a period of 20 years. Lovely guy just totally abused by a bullying controlling women.
He's telling the story and so are the investigating police officers, saying how shocked they were at his story, and in one clip a female detective is crying when he's said he would change into a shirt with poppers when he knew he would be abused so that at least she wouldn't rip the shirt.
Some of the comments she's said are pure evil - about his mum who died from cancer when he was young "I'd've died too, being related to you". Spitting on him, hating him, absolutely horrific. He's secretly recorded her so we hear her actual voice with the live venom in what she’s saying. He’s softly spoken and stammers quite often- clearly broken. There are videos that he’s filmed inside the house where she’s hitting him and walking around holding a knife.
I haven’t watched episode 2 (of 2) yet.
My question, which I’m reluctant to ask but it’s screaming in my head, is this is obviously horrific, criminal, abusive behaviour and she is rightly locked up now.
But is this any different to what thousands of women face day in day out at the hands of male partners? I don’t think so - and sadly I think women face worse because male partners are generally physically stronger so can inflict worse violence, worse fears of dying, sexual violence etc etc.
Which means why is this made into a tv documentary- is it because it’s a male victim and a female abuser? Is it because there’s compelling recorded evidence they can include? Is it cos they’re youngish (c. 40 I guess), wealthy, good looking, apparently have it all types?
I feel so sad watching it - for the man and his children who’ve suffered this, but perhaps even more so for the thousands and thousands of anonymous women who suffer this and worse and whose stories are too common to be made into tv series.
I just hope that at some point in the next episode there is some acknowledgment from someone that this specific story is horrific, and obviously yes DV does happen to men too, but it’s particularly awful because we all know only too well that this degree of abuse is so common for women at the hands of men.

Not when she was waving a fucking carving knife in his face he couldn't!

@AnotherVice

That doesn't make it better. And some men are killed by their partners after not fighting back.

@AnotherVice you're absolutely right. It is entirely different to be abused by someone you know deep down you could overpower if you chose to.
I don't know how anyone can disagree with this? The fear of death would be entirely lessened. Obviously she could still poison him, stab him in his sleep etc, but the physical dominance of most men over most women, as well as their greater propensity to be physically violent, is basically the reason behind the enormous male on female rates of murder/rape/violence.
Same with children. I'd be interested to see a case of a child bullying a much bigger father- sure it happens where children can overpower their parents or where the physical difference isn't that great, but the adult male size advantage is one of the key reasons they manage to bully women and children so much.
To claim anything different is ludicrous I'm afraid- again not saying this case didn't involve horrendous emotional and physical abuse, but I'd say for most female DA/DV victims the fear of being murdered would be constant.

Yes men know that they can overpower women physically. But from the mental/emotional side of things, it is impossible for them to do. Either because they love their partner/don't want to hurt them/don't want to be painted as the abuser. Sorry, OP, but you will never get me believing that women's violence against husbands is somehow less horrific than husband's violence towards their wives. They are both equally abhorrent.

You can feel sadness and empathy for more than one incident simultaneously. Who cares if police officers broke down, we’ve also no idea whether they had before. Who are the karens to judge their emotions and feelings on it. Victim blaming on here is atrocious.

I've just finished it. How sad. I really felt for Richard and he seems like a lovely, gentle man. I'm glad he was treated so sensitively by the police, as I can't imagine how humiliated he must have felt.
However, I also cannot imagine subjecting my children to that. I'm sorry, but I just can't. And there were photos of her crying on their wedding day. Why in God's name did either one of them go through with it?!
She was a monstrous but incredibly damaged individual. I'd be interested to know about her past. I reckon it definitely included abuse; maybe even sexual, as she got funny with Richard when he went into the girls' playroom or bedrooms.
I'm so glad that he has his life back and I hope the girls are indeed thriving, as the woman police officer said.

That's not how it works. Alex Skeel was days away from death after being starved, beaten, scalded with boiling water from the kettle, and a whole host of other things. If he COULD have overpowered Jordan Worth, he certainly didn't feel like he could, so it's irrelevant. It's actually quite horrendous how you are minimising this just because Richard was bigger than her, despite the psychological abuse and use of weapons.

I think he was suspiciously very smart yet played the fool... he kept the home and the children. I think it was horrific but we did not see the other side whatsoever

Wow. He had her on film, waving a knife in his face and screaming disgusting insults in his face. Yelling abuse and punching him whilst the children watched. Explaining how she would falsely accuse him of attacking her and laughing before shouting out of the window to mislead the neighbours. You would never say that about a woman in a similar situation who had to act to protect her children and escape from a violence. It's nauseating that you are talking about "her side" as if she is anything other than a sadistic abuser who deserved a lot more time in jail than she got.

I mean he could have divorced her. He is clearly a very intelligent man as he had a beautiful home. So he would have lost it all. She was a horrific abuser but why would he keep pulling her into the cameras, he knew exactly where he was going with it and what his plan was

No he didn't. On several occasions he got close to deleting it. He wasn't even the one who submitted the videos to the police. He was attempting to protect himself from the false allegations she had specifically said she intended to make against him. You sound like every other victim blamer saying, "Well, why didn't she just leave?" Yes, he was intelligent- are you saying that all victims of DV are thick?

I can't believe you typed that out. Would you say it if the genders had been reversed?

What other side? I'm not sure what you mean.

You’ve put this really well. I agree with every word.

This is a very disturbing post. "Obviously she could stab him or poison him" but basically whatever, right? I think you need to have a bit of a look at yourself op. Violent abuse is violent abuse and there isn't really a "but" or a "what about" to be said.

I think he put up with it because he was frightened what she'd do to the children if he left.

I work for a domestic abuse charity for women by women. I thought the documentary was brilliant, and terrifying. We have more and more men calling us asking for help as they don't know where to turn. We of course never turn anyone away but don't typically support men. There are many, many documentaries about women who were abused, and murdered. Not in the exact style of this one but they are out there. The Chris Watts series, The Push where a woman was pushed off Arthur's Seat by her perpetrator in an act of HBV and died, Disclosure on BBC, Murdered by my Boyfriend, the new ITV documentary, there was a dispatches documentary about women's refuges etc etc. There are so many more. I don't think we should fall into the what about whataboutism trap and just refuse to acknowledge ipv against men and how it makes those working with them feel.

OP I agree with you completely.

when this show came out I was annoyed that the officer cried about the shirt thing. I see and hear so many stories of women being abused and battered and the police officers just victim blame. They had a lot of empathy for him which is great but I’ve never, ever seen a fraction of the same empathy given to women victims.

I also think if this had been a woman, social services would have come down on her like a tonne of bricks for staying with a violent man and perhaps even removed her children or at least questioned this new relationship

total double standards

I agree OP. And it's not unusual for police, juries and judges to see a crime as worse if a woman does it. There is such inherent bias. Has there ever been a similar documentary showing male on female violence as I don't recall it? Obviously it is shown in TV drama but I don't remember a programme like the one described by the OP.

Thankyou for getting my point - it's not that it wasn't absolutely horrendous for him, because it clearly was, she was vile, but the way the police were all heartbroken and personally affected saying this was the worst case ever as if they'd never even heard of DV before.
I think video footage of the worst male on female DA would be un-broadcastable.
I'm not saying this to minimise his experience or for what aboutery, but to be realistic where the police response on this did not seem realistic.

Yes to say this is the worst case, when women get raped, beaten badly, kept indoors, etc.

The male victim deserves the best support and he deserved to be believed. And that’s what he got, and good for him. But it just further highlighted to me the disparity in victims based on sex. You’d be hard pressed to find a woman who had the same supportive experience.

I also suspect that he got more sympathy because he has a nice house and car. There’s a lot of classism within the police especially when it comes to DV

Its not a competition, shame on you

No One is saying it’s a competition but it’s absolutely fine to draw parallels with how men are treated vs how women are treated

Disgraceful comment!

Better hope you never become a victim of domestic violence

You have absolutely no idea

they will definitely have seen far worse, so why was it positioned this way?

They are desensitised to the "much worse" because they see it every day.

When we see things that are rarer it can feel a lot more shocking and instigate an emotional reaction.

Those Officers very likely had the same reaction the first time they went to a similar DV case where the victim was female. Or the first time they dealt with a child victim. Or the first time they went to a fatal car accident.