I've been thinking about this all day and watched again on iplayer this evening to take in what was happening.
In terms of language used in the meetings, I really don't think it was so bad that the parents failed to understand. They nodded, put their heads down when something negative was said about them and even smirked at each other when someone said that they thought Toby's development problems may have been inherited. They appeared to understand the majority of what was being said in the parts we saw.
But, I came to the conclusion that they could not be helped to parent. They clearly had emotional problems, but were not by any means stupid. They knew what was being asked of them. They could quite easily follow an instruction like "mop the floor". Gosh, Toby's father even followed instructions to put up a stair gate! They were quite capable of being able to follow instruction and carry out physical tasks.
What they weren't capable of was emotionally caring for their child(ren).
It's quite simple really isn't it. For the majority of us here (possibly) - we want our child to feel comfortable and warm and so provide a bed or suitable place to sleep. We want our children to be healthy and so provide a good diet (and research if we do not know entirely). We want our children to learn and have a good education and so send them to nursery / school. We want to see our children smile and be happy and so therefore do anything, even silly things to see that happen. We worry when they are not happy or are not yet doing something they should be doing and therefore seek help.
If a Social Worker came into my home and said your child needs a certain thing because it's making him uncomfortable and unhappy by not having it - I'd jump through hoops to ensure I provided that. With the knowledge that there was an issue with my parenting and that there's a chance he could be taken into care - the SW's would be saying jump and I'd be asking "how high" as I would do absolutely anything to ensure my child is safe, his needs are met and he remains in my care.
These parents do not have that basic instinct. Yes, you can help them mop a floor. You can tell them their children need a bed, you can even put it up for them. You could clean up for them, encouring them to help. Long term though, they do not agree with what is being advised and don't have that natural instinct to want the very best for their child. Knowing that their child could be cold and uncomfortable without a bed and a blanket, they don't worry about how their child feels but instead refuse to act upon the advice given to correct it.
You cannot teach them how to worry. You cannot teach someone to be concerned. You cannot teach someone to put their child before themselves. They either want to do this ordinarily or they don't. Sadly, in this case they didn't.
I do think they lacked these skills because of issues in their own childhood. They had probably not experienced love, affection, had someone care for them and put them first. As sad as it is though, that is no excuse or reason to put another child through the same as they went through, no matter how badly you feel for them - and then the same would likely occur in years to come when Toby and his sister then went on to have their own children. The cycle needed to be broken.
Of course, there's also a chance Toby and his sister (forget her name!) may feel hurt by what happened in the future. They will naturally wonder about their biological parents. They may even wish that things had been different and that they had been born to good enough parents in the first place instead of having been adopted like most others. But, even with that they will grow to have the basic skills needed to function in society and lead a relatively normal life - including being good enough parents to their own children. Growing up without having your basic needs cared for and experiencing such a level of neglect and abuse will have far more serious consequences in these childrens' future.