How bothered are teenagers about how wealthy their school freinds are?

[LynetteScavo]

I'm asking because we live near to one to the country's "top public schools" who offer scholarships for day pupils from the town.

DH and I had discussed whether we would ever put any of our DC forward for the scholarship, and decided we wouldn't. While we live a comfortable life in a semi in suburbia, with holiday's in Cornwall, we felt surrounding our children with school mates who's parents own several homes, take very nice holidays, and drive very nice cars wouldn't be fair on them. We decided State school, or a nearby independent (where several teenagers from our road attend would be more sensible)

However, a friend who is a single mother, living in a small terraced house in an undesirable part of town, will be sending her DC to this public school in September,(with full scholarship). Her DC was also offered a place at the "outstanding" grammar school.

What do other's think? Will this child have a fabulous education, and not really be bothered that the other student's come from very privileged backgrounds? I asked DS, who is 11, and he said it wouldn't bother him if everybody else came from families with lots more money. (Which is what friend's DC has also said) Do they really understand the implications at 11?
Are DH and I over thinking things?

It will not matter that much to them age 11 - 16 but suddenly will a lot at 6th form.

That was my experience anyway.

We avoided a Prep for DSs that was populated by children with extremely wealthy parents.

I think it matters to some children & others are untroubled by it. It might not be easy to tell which camp your child will fall into beforehand though - I'm not sure I'd always trust their own judgement on this.

I think a lot depends on how the parents handle it and a family can be "rich" in ways other than financial.

If the school in question was the best option for my child I wouldn't let the money issue put me off.

it would bother me i think, wondering whether my childs school days would end up a curse of bullying rather than a gift of fabulous education.

my children made some friends of fairly wealthy people - a local catholic secondary, the best school you could get in the area without paying for it - when we move here they had friends with huge huge houses, houses with games rooms, houses with swimming pools. it was a culture shock - but the wealthy ones were the minority in the school - the rest were working or mc -

i wouldnt like my child to be the minority poor kid surrounded by rich kids who get bentleys for their 16th birthday. whilst you get yours a mobile phone

If your child is socially/economically very disadvantaged versus his/her peers, he/she had better be genetically (so intellectual/sporting/musical/artistic/beautiful) very advantaged in order to cope, IMO.

really?i am surprised by this My ds has some very wealthy friends we are definitely the 'least' well off in terms of material things and I don't think it has made any differene.He is 16 now and some have parties with pools etc and he goes and enjoys it all but never feels inferior or compares himself although that may change as he gets older but doubt it.Confidence and self worth come from within and from the home ime

"Confidence and self worth come from within and from the home ime"

That is very true for young children - a loving upbringing with high expecations of behaviour give confidence to small children. But in your teens and early adulthood, external signs of concrete achievement in the world are crucial for self-esteem.

Where did I say that they have to be wealth?

I was in a similiar situtation. My parents were well off by any standard, but some kids I went to school with got sports cars for their 18th.

As long as you can afford the extra-circulator (sp?) activities like skiing etc, its not too bad. But teenages IME are very aware of differences in status and it will bother some (to the point of insanity) and wash over others.

What nonsense life is full of people that you will meet in all areas who have more and less than you!You need to deal with it and accept if need be.What are these concrete things if not 'stuff'you can buy.There are worse things for a teenager than a parent with an old car amongst the volvos No wonder the world is in such a state

the school ds1 goes to has several extremely wealthy families, but also a large number of boys on scholarships and bursaries

of his best friends, some have big houses, swimming pools etc etc but one lives in a tiny flat and has to sleep in the living-room, another is brought up by his grandparents as his single mum has to work shifts - they all seem to get on fine and the relative differences in wealth don't seem to make much difference at the moment (early teens)

however ... all the boys he knows from more materially disadvantaged homes are brimming with confidence and either very academic or exceptionally sporty (or both) - I don't know how they'd be getting on if they weren't

Ah, but teenagers actually believe that the whole wide world revoles around them and their little worlds. Or at least I did! And in a small private school, the sense of entitlement to the "best things" in life such as posh cars and first class travel is prevalent and infectious. I'd be very wary about sending my DC into such an environment.

To get a full scholarship to a top public school, this boy must be extraordinarily bright, really quite something.

I assume that the mother will have looked at the school and seen for herself what sort of atmosphere there is etc. Also if the school offers "scholarships" (ie plural) to the school then this boy won't be the first, last or only one in this position. They probably also have partial scholarships which will be taken up by people who are not super-rich.

Plus if it's anything like round here the people at the grammar won't exactly be a wild mix of different sorts of people either.

I think it sounds like a great opportunity.

Big difference in families who send their kids to a state grammer and a "top public school" I feel. Except maybe in London.

ds1 is at an independent school on a scholarship and a bursary. he says we are the only family in the school not to have 2 cars or holiday abroad.

Fortunately however he sees this as a plus and thinks his peers who seem to get everything handed to them on a plate are actually some of the most ignorant people he knows.

I was initially quite worried about it when he started but joined the PTA, got involved and met the other parents, most of whom are just decent honest types, no snobbery in the main although the new parents always tend to show off somewhat. My ds luckily is very popular and liked for who he is not for how big his house is or whatever the latest gadget is.

If your DC are rather fragile then it might be best avoided but if they are quite independent and have a mind of their own then go for it.

I think there will probably be much less of it than you expect - there will always be some kids who can afford more things than your DC, wherever you send them to school. I would also think that it's more important to teenagers who has the latest gadget (eg. a cool phone) than who has 15 bedrooms and a stable block!

concrete achievements = skills mastered...

If the child is so bright that he can get a scholarship, then good luck to him. If he's that bright he will grow up understanding the inequalities and work out his own way around them.

If it was my son I would go for it. If problems arise, then they can be dealt with when they show up, but there may be no problems. It would be a shame not to try.

I won a scholarship to an independent school, and came from a family with a very low income who lived in the 'wrong' part of the wrong town (lived on the fringes of a very large grim council estate). This is obviously a bit different to the scenario in the OP.

Tbh, the school years were tough at times and I was bullied a lot. It was a girls' school and girls can be incredibly bitchy. I never had the right bag, shoes, pencil case, etc. I never went on trips or to out-of-ours events because my clothes were horrible whereas my classmates had designer clothes or even just new outfits from places like Top Shop and Chelsea Girl that I never had. I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I used to get bullied on the school coach for living where I did, and I was too ashamed to invite people back to my house.

But, I got a fantastic education which I would never have had at the local comp (by brother, who went there, left with no qualifications at all), and it opened up so many opportunities for me at 18+.

But, I don't think it need be that bad. A lot depends on the attitude of the parents, imo. Mine were hopeless and had no interest or empathy at all.

out-of-hours

Have to say that having worked in a comprehensive (and not even the "best" one in town), you can get a lot of materialism een in state schools. I think school ethos must play a part too. My niece also coped with peers at her state (Top achieving grammar) who had real Rolex watches etc.
My DS is at a state comprehensive btw, it was the best school for him at 11.

My son is at a "top public school" in a very affluent area.
We are what most people would call wealthy yet he is not the wealthiest.There are boys who are on much tighter incomes and plenty whos families sacrific much to send them there
He and his friends give not the smallest shit how much money people have. The school is highly academic and has a wide mix of boys including children on full scolarships.
They don't care, they really, really don't care.

They are in 6th form now and his friends are all different in terms of family circumstances and I honestly couldn't tell you which arethe rich kids and which arn't. Because they don't care