Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

underage sex... is it enough to say it is illegal?

72 replies

Taxidriver · 09/04/2010 12:39

ds is 15 and his gf also

she came round recently, they went straight up to his room. i went in there after a while, all fine, but when dh went there a bit later they were in his bed with the lights out.
i am sure they were just experimenting but what advice can i give.

another person i have told says they are probably doing it anyway, however looking through the archives i feel there are mnettrs who are bound to have better words of wisdom.

OP posts:

Snuppeline · 09/04/2010 13:01

I'll let the mn'netters who has been through this themselves with teenagers answer you but as a girl who unfortunately did not loose her virginity in a stable relationship, and wish she had, I'd like to say that it could be so much worse for both your ds and the girl. Drunken fumbling at parties is, as I gather, much more common as a setting for experimenting in the early years so a loving relationship is a great place to start out even if it is younger than you'd like. Talk to your ds about the wisdom of waiting until legal age for both of them, about respect for other peoples boundaries and not going to fast and about contraception. That's the best advise I can give

Original poster

Taxidriver · 09/04/2010 13:04

thanks for that

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/04/2010 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

inthesticks · 09/04/2010 14:11

Am watching this as I too have a DS with a serious GF.
They are 14 and when I've spoken to him he says they agree they are not ready, but I'm not sure he'll tell me when that changes.
No opportunity either as far as I can tell, they are never home alone.
Access to condoms.Does this mean as a mother I should go out and buy condoms for my baby? Doesn't seem quite right somehow.

Original poster

Taxidriver · 09/04/2010 14:16

no, agree as a mother it wouldnt seem right for us to actually buy the things.
he was talking about condoms being available at school, ...which is when i said it wass illegal.

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/04/2010 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

upahill · 09/04/2010 14:28

A lot of youth agencies give out condoms and of course they can get condoms from Brook.

A lot of youth clubs do safe sex talks (as well as free Chlyamedia (sp?) testing (Known as pee in a pot)

But going back to your post - How much talking have your done with your son over the years about sex? I have (rightly or wrongly) been dropping it in to conversation for years just so that they could talk about it. It's been things like how badly John Terry has behaved for example or about being respectful to each other. I usually drop something in like 'you know how good your dad treats me'

It has paid off because both DS engineer quite times with me to ask a question and I can myth bust any playground nonsense.

I would bring up the safe sex talk and responsiblites that go with sex and also the legal implications. However I would tread very carefully as you still want him to come to talk to you with out him feeling that you are being judgemental. A very tall order I know!!!

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 14:31

Why are they allowed in his room at 15?

ImSoNotTelling · 09/04/2010 14:31

pixie I didn't really get this bit of your post

"as the male, he is responsible for making sure that it doesn't happen until they are sure they are ready."

can you elaborate?

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 14:34

I didn't like that either

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/04/2010 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 09/04/2010 14:39

I've got a son of 13 who isn't at that stage yet, but as well as being very open and honest with him about sex, relationships, responsibilities, STIs etc etc, he also knows that it's our house and our rules - and one of these is that he (and the other 2 DCs) won't be allowed to have sex in our house - at least, not with our knowledge!

I don't think you have to accept that they will do it anyway, just as you don't have to accept they'll skive school, smoke, get drunk etc at that age. I'd definitely keep the lines of communication open and let him know where he can get condoms from, but they are both still minors and as a parent I think you've got the right to tell him that you would not be happy with them breaking the law and having sex.

teaandcakeplease · 09/04/2010 14:47

My brothers and I were NEVER allowed in our bedrooms alone with a bf or gf. End of.

How times seem to have changed. Although I'm not sure I'd let my kids when older be alone in bedroom either with a partner (at least not for very long).

{smile]

upahill · 09/04/2010 14:49

Blimey I wasn't allowed in my bedroom alone with my boyfriend of 4 years when I was 18. (that's one of the many reasons why I left home shortly after my 18th birthday!)

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 14:52

Blimey maisie, what happens if he doesn't leave home until he's 25?

I have a 13yr old girl with a steady boyfriend. I don't think they're at it just yet, but I daresay it won't be too long if they stay together.

My take on it is that if they decide they're ready, they're going to find the a place to do the deed whatever barriers are put in their way, so yes, they're allowed to be in her bedroom together and they close the door too. Same at his house. It's her body, she has the necessary information and doesn't have a problem talking to me about sensitive stuff (too much, sometimes!) so I just have to trust that she makes the right choices.

I'd rather she was doing it in a safe environment.

I won't be buying any condoms, but she can get them from the school nurse if she wants, or I suppose she might nick them from dh's bedside drawer.

Alouiseg · 09/04/2010 14:54

I'd let my ds' have girls in their room! If you don't show any trust then they'll be at it like rabbits the minute your back is turned. For teenagers half the battle is finding a place to go to spend time together.

For what its worth i'd rather they had sex at home in their bedrooms than parked up in a car or behind some dodgy night club - once they have reached the age of consent obviously.

usualsuspect · 09/04/2010 14:54

Why would you not allow them in his room at 15

All you can do is keep talking to him and hope hes sensible

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 14:55

I'll just add that when dd is in her room with her boyfriend, I do a lot of stomping around on the landing outside the door

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 14:56

I would not be very pleased if the parents of the boy my 15 year old daughter was going out with allowed them to spend time alone in his room.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 14:57

But ski, how are you going to police that? Would you rather they were doing it behind a bush in the park?

Alouiseg · 09/04/2010 14:57

Why skidoodly don't you trust her?

usualsuspect · 09/04/2010 14:58

As opposed to spending time alone in the park/bus stop or were ever

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 14:59

It's not really a case of trust for me, I think sexual experimentation during your teens is totally normal, and although I don't want to witness it, I'm not going to fool myself that it's not happening.

I wonder why we're such a sexually repressed nation?

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:00

You won't buy condoms for a girl when you are providing the location for her to lose her virginity? At 13!?

Just because they can shag in their bedrooms doesn't mean they won't also do it other places.

As for somewhere "safe"? Where do you think they're going to do it if you don't provide a nice cosy location and your tacit approval? The top of a crane?

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/04/2010 15:00

Not allowing the bf in their rooms does not stop them having sex. I know cause i was that dd who was not allowed her bf in her bedroom. (Even in my twenties)

Flip

1 2 3