underage sex... is it enough to say it is illegal?

[Taxidriver]

ds is 15 and his gf also

she came round recently, they went straight up to his room. i went in there after a while, all fine, but when dh went there a bit later they were in his bed with the lights out.
i am sure they were just experimenting but what advice can i give.

another person i have told says they are probably doing it anyway, however looking through the archives i feel there are mnettrs who are bound to have better words of wisdom.

No, skidoodly. That's your job, LOL!

I suppose a lot of it depends on your personal attitude to sex. Is it just sex? Is it something deep and meaningful to be experienced in long term loving relationships? Or is it something not to be entered into until you are married? If you have no problem with the idea of them having sex at 16 then I think you would have a different attitude to the parent of a child who thought sex before marriage was immoral due to a strong religious belief.

I would not personally have sex with someone outside a long term and committed relationship. Thats just me, I hope my children feel the same way when they are teenagers. I know not everybody feels that way but it is important to me, so I would def not want them upstairs alone with a bedroom door shut. Its not about not trusting them to make the right decisions, I think its hard to make those decisions when you are tempted to do something else. If there is not an opportunity to do it at home, you have to go out of your way to arrange it (park, party etc) and hopefully my children will have a better moral compass than that.

I have 2 very good friends that are committed christains and do not believe in sex before marriage. They waited until their wedding night (which was when they were 25 and 26 so not that young) and it was very hard. They found that they could not be a bedroom alone together, they had to apply that rule to themselves. So if they found it hard to wait with such a strong faith then it must be very hard for a teenager to do the same.

Orm, I think you ask a very sensible question which is being ignored.

Apart from the law argument, if teenagers are having consensual sex and using condoms, what is actually wrong?

The age of consent is completely arbitrary and varies from country to country. 14 in Germany and 15 in France. 18 in most of the US.

I have limited experience of working with Youth in a sexual advice setting but have still learnt alot over the last few months.

If you want to prevent it you need to try and talk to your child on a level that they feel comfortable with.

Explain that sex doesnt equal love. Often it can be disappointing and change relationships with both boyfriends and friends. They may be appaulded for "losing it" or they could be vilifed

Even if they do it once doesnt mean they have to do it again even though there will be even more pressure.

Sex in a safe environment where a condom can be used properly is much better than a quick shag outside both in terms of unwanted pregnancy and STIs. Therefore I think parents need to be open to discussion and not adopt a blanket "not under my roof" attitude.

Also if a parent can ensure there child knows how to access a local youth advice service - these services are invaluable for young people.

It's one of those laws though that isn't commonly adhered to though, isn't it?

A bit like smoking weed, I guess. We know loads of people are doing it but it's highly unlikely that anyone would call the police if they knew you were doing it at home (and not in front of the kids )

The only time the age of consent laws ever come into play are if a youngster were being abused, or an over zealous jealous parent flies off the handle because his/her little darling did something before they thought she should.

Why is it the parent's job to decide when a teenager is ready for sex?

That's a genuine question, btw. I do realise the implications of youngsters not being responsible enough, but if you've taught them well about the consequences then surely all you can do is hope that they take it all on board and understand the implications.

Exactly, it is my job when they're my children

Tim I'm only half joking.

I don't think it's great for teenagers to have serious sexual relationships because I think it's better for them to have a wide group of friends and not to be spending all their time with one person in an exclusive, emotionally intense relationship.

I think sex ups the ante on emotional involvement, particularly when you're young and immature.

Most of the people I know who had serious relationships when they were teenagers don't have many friends from that time. I think that's sad.

Actually, I don't have many friends from that time but not because I was having sex with my boyfriend. I had a full social life outside of my relationship.

The reason I don't see those people is because I moved 350 miles away and rarely go back there. I still keep in touch with some people on facebook, but I haven't seen them for years.

"if you've taught them well about the consequences then surely all you can do is hope that they take it all on board and understand the implications."

Do you really think a 13 or 14 year old can understand all the implications of sex?

Not just disease and pregnancy, but the really important stuff about how it makes you feel?

"if teenagers are having consensual sex and using condoms, what is actually wrong?"

Condoms only keep you safe from STDs and pregnancy, they don't keep you safe from an emotional involvement you're not ready for.

They don't stop you spending your valuable formative years hung up on a romantic relationship instead of developing yourself as an individual.

I don't think you lose touch with close friends because of distance.

The four girls I spent my teenage years with all live in different countries, but we still love and support each other. My life would have been completely different without them in it.

I've talked to dd about the emotional implications as well as the physical. You might have gathered by now that we're quite open to discussion on all topics in my household

In my experience, however, the only way she's really going to learn about the reality of the emotional aspects is to experience them. When she's ready. Otherwise it's simply conjecture.

Scrudd, We were given freedom and I wonder if this was one of the reasons my bf stayed with me and I ended up heartbroken at just turned 16 amongst other things. Oh I don't know really, I do think young serious relationships are a bad thing but that's just my experience. Glad my DD hasn't even been kissed yet at nearly 16.

boys really worry me - i have three grown kids 20 yo ds. twins B/G aged 17.

but the boys worried me.

dd - well as soon as i thought she was likley to become sexually active, i took her to the doctors and she was put on the pill - orginally went for her to have the implant but the doctor didn't like that at her age ( then 15)

sorted - ofcourse there was the talk about std's and the pill not being 100% effective - but it was there tangible - i had done what i could short of putting it in her gob every day.

but boys....sheesh what a worry - on a couple of levels.

1. i think you should explain to your boy that if the girls father or mother or older siblings find out and get vey upset about it - that they may go to the police and press charges for statuatory rape. ( when he is 16 not sure about both being underage)

that means that he will be on the sex offenders register and that could close a whole world of career opportunities - andything to do with vulnerable people - mental health, old people, young people, being a doctor, nurse, care worker, teacher, social worker, youth worker ......you get the picture.

thats very worrying when you have a son.

2. you can't do anything more than make sure there are condoms to hand. I did this by taking both my sons and their GF's ( two seperate occasions obv.) to the parent planning clinic. i phoned up, i made the appointment, i drove them there, i waited int he car, i brought them home.

the nurse ( as far as i can tell) speaks to them both but has a word with the girl on her own - i think to see if she is feeling any pressure to have sex?

if they are going to do it - they are going to do it. you can have stern words - you can tell them about the sex offenders register, you can tell them you will disown them if they have kids aged 15, you have even tell them that they are very likley to have ginger twins ( B/G twins in my ase so not hereditary - they don't know that - dh is a ginner) you can show them pictures of STIs on the internet, of dicks with boils on and fandangos with warts .....but if they are going to have sex - they will find a way.

so pointless IMO hoping praying that they won't. in thinking that you didn't in your day, or your child isn't like that. better to have the talk, take them to a clinic and make sure they are totally protected and informed.

Of course the only way she's really going to learn is to experience them.

But the chances of it being when she is ready are raised the longer she leaves it, because the more mature you are the more likely you are to know what being ready means.

i dont think anyone would argue that we hope our kids are mature enough emotionally to have sex. but the way of the world isn't like that IME.

actually my youndest ds has always been the most immature, and he was scared of having sex, he flet quite pressured and went through a series of GFs aged 16 and dropped them as soon as anything close to sex happened ( as far as i can tell) becuase he was just not ready to handle it. really admired him for that

so thing is, all chilren are diferent - one 15 yo is not the same as another with regards to life experience and maturity

Well, for me being ready was a purely physical thing. Then again it has been said that I have a very 'male' attitude to sex despite being very much a woman. I have never really had the sex and love connection thing going on in my head, even now, and I've been faithfully married for 16 years

I do, however, get the attachment thing (woman has orgasm, hormone is released which creates an attachment to the man that caused the orgasm). Then again, I didn't have an orgasm until several years after I'd lost my virginity.

Teenagers will fall madly in love, obsess on people and get heartbroken whether or not they have sex.

I haven't got there with my own children yet, but I remember being heartwrenchingly in unrequited 'love' in mid-teens. In fact, I think two of my biggest crushes both turned out to be gay .

I think it would have been a blessing to have had sex, got it over with and then carried on rather than all the emotional obsessing.

How does having a boyfriend keep you cooped up in a room? I'd have thought it would give you more opportunities for socialising, parties and so on.

You can go to parties if you're single.

If you think having sex "gets it over with" and stops people who fancy themselves in love obsessing over the object of their affections, I refer you to the Relationships section of this very site to disabuse you of that notion.

phew.
thanks for all of that.

will read and filter digest

LOL at the idea that being in a relationship at 15 means you have more opportunities to socialise! IIRC, getting C upstairs into my bedroom and keeping him there for as long as possible was the aim of my existence when I was 15. As someone said earlier, I wish my parents (well, my mum, dad hadn't got a clue what was going on) had been less liberal. The whole idea that it was something that should have waited didn't even enter my head - but we were nothing more than notches on each others' bedposts at that age. I hope my kids want more out of their relationships.

I also don't get the approach that they're going to do it anyway, so you might as well allow it/provide them with condoms. Do you buy them alcohol or drugs because they're going to do it too?

I'd be uneasy about my youngest DD (14) being in her room with a boy because I know (from many conversations we've had) that she doesn't feel ready for sex yet and I wouldn't want her to feel pressurised. I'm well aware that pressure could happen in the park, at the beach etc but it's my job to set boundaries.

I've told both DDs that IMHO sex is better in a committed relationship and from a health point of view it's better to limit the number of partners you have.

Beyond that, there's not much I can do - the convent didn't work for me!

Schools help girls sort out contraception as well as supply condoms. If they are doing it then they will do it somewhere. I think the more you know the more you can be aware and advise if they have a problem. Every one has different views and tolerance levels. I had to adjust my views to keep a good relationship with my teenagers. I am quite open minded about sex. In saying that I have always said it is only ok in context of a long term loving relationship I would not tolerate them sleeping around.

Surprised that other mnetters do not provide condoms.

When my DS's turned 16 I filled a small bowl in the bathroom with condoms, so that it would not be obvious when they were taken and told them that they or their friends were welcome to help themselves. I would top up periodically and would not ask questions.

I have never seen hide nor hair of gfs and was reasonably confident both were virgins, but I have had to top up reasonably regularly. Their friends take them too.

I used to tell them that if they are not mature enough to buy/ obtain condoms they are not mature enough for sex, but decided to be more realistic.

I see the fact that they take them as a sign of responsibility.