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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

underage sex... is it enough to say it is illegal?

72 replies

Taxidriver · 09/04/2010 12:39

ds is 15 and his gf also

she came round recently, they went straight up to his room. i went in there after a while, all fine, but when dh went there a bit later they were in his bed with the lights out.
i am sure they were just experimenting but what advice can i give.

another person i have told says they are probably doing it anyway, however looking through the archives i feel there are mnettrs who are bound to have better words of wisdom.

OP posts:

LucyDeSpiderman · 09/04/2010 15:01

I don't have any advice to offer about what to say etc, as mine are just 2yrs & 3 months respectively, but I do have to say something to those of you who say they wouldn't buy condoms for their dc, as it would feel like you were condoning it. When I was 15 (not too long ago) if I was sexually active/was thinking about becoming sexually active, I don't think I would have had the balls to go & buy condoms, or ask the school nurse for them. They're still seen as quite an embarrasing item to children/young teenagers, and while I'm sure the thought of your dc having sex at that age is terrible, and you don't want them to think you think it's ok, if they do have sex would you not prefer it to be protected?
I know I don't know your dc's personally, and obviously don't know how I'll react when I'm in that sort of situation, but I think if I had even a tiny inkling that one of my children were thinking of having sex, I would do as everyone else has said and give them the information they need/be there if they need to talk, but on the off chance that they don't listen to me I would atleast like them to be safe.

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:01

I don't have a 15 year old daughter, but if I did I would be furious if her boyfriend's parents were basically giving them the green light to fuck in their house.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:04

I'm trusting her to make the right choices, not handing her a loaded weapon.

She says she's not ready yet (thank goodness), and her boyfriend is a nice kid who has obviously been brought up to respect women (girls) so I trust him not to pressure her either.

That doesn't mean that they're not interested in the possibilities.

I lost my virginity at 14, I don't see why she can't too, if that's what she wants. It's her decision to make, after all.

usualsuspect · 09/04/2010 15:05

So you would assume that they were always shagging in the bedroom? my dds and bfs played computer games,listened to music etc... I know this because I used to pop in and out with clean washing and offers of drinks etc

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:07

Places I would consider 'unsafe' would be

In the park after a bottle of cider with poor judgement.

Anywhere public where they might be discovered by a third party.

At a party where people are drinking (or taking drugs) impairing their judgement.

If they have the opportunity at home, they're most unlikely to bother with any of the above.

I get the feeling, skidoodly that you think I'm encouraging her to shag her boyfriend. I'm not. We talk about sex fairly often but I have never told her to go ahead.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:08

usualsuspect - yep, that's pretty much what they're doing in the bedroom. They go to his house more than mine because he has an Xbox in his bedroom, lol!

MillyMollyMoo · 09/04/2010 15:09

I'd always planned to just let it be known condoms are in the bathroom cabinet, is that wrong ?

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:09

Ohhh... AND!

The boyfriend's older sister is gay. I bet she was always allowed girls in her bedroom (with the door shut) before she came out to her parents

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:10

MillyMollyMoo - I used to think I'd do that. I'm not so sure now - don't they have to go through the right of passage of the walk of shame in the chemists?

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:15

I think 14 is too young to lose your virginity. I know it happens, but I don't think that's a good reason to encourage it.

And yes, I do think allowing a teenage girl to have her boyfriend in her room is giving her a loaded gun.

Experimenting with drink and drugs is also normal for teenagers. Do you let your daughter take booze and grass and pills up to her room so that you know she's getting fucked up somewhere safe?

Either way, I presume you have discussed with this boy's parents that you allow them time and space to have sex if they want to? Because if I was his mother I would want to know that that's what was happening in your house. [And once I knew I would strongly discourage a relationship with your DD].

teaandcakeplease · 09/04/2010 15:18

I was too scared to disobey my parents and "do it" elsewhere. My dad ruled the home with an iron fist

He'd even call a friends house (if a boy) to check the parents really were in, like I'd said! LOL

OrmRenewed · 09/04/2010 15:18

But what are the reasons for discouraging them apart from the simple fact that it's illegal?

Children mature at a younger age than they did when I was a child. They are ready for sex sooner. What is wrong with a teenager having sex if they are ready and willing? Why are we so squeamish about it? To most teenagers coming out the otherside of puberty is like giving them a brand new toy but telling them they mustn't use it.

Surely as long as they keep safe and and they know that it's their choice and no-one else's, they aren't being unduly influenced by others, it's OK. Why does MN talk about sex as such a wonderful life-affirming thing - but not for 15yr olds?

Apart from the simple undeniable fact that they would be breaking the law, what other reasons are there? Is it just down to a feeling of parental discomfort at the thought of our LOs having sex ?

Alouiseg · 09/04/2010 15:19

Blimey!
I think skidoodlys dc's are in for a seriously screwed up adolescence.

Relax, they're human beings not potential rapists and drug users. The more uptight the parents are the more fucked up the dc are.

teaandcakeplease · 09/04/2010 15:21

Personally as a girl, I considered it a big deal. I know my boyfriends thought of it differently to me. But I thought it was special and not to be done lightly.

Maybe I'm old fashioned though.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:22

I'm not encouraging it.

Do you not believe that kids will do it when they decide they're ready, whether or not you allow them to be alone in a room?

Nope, never let her drink at home, so obviously the same applies with drugs. But you know, she did once have a bottle of blue wkd at a festival, which just proves that they're going to do it somewhere if they want to. I told her she had no taste if blue wkd was her drink of choice. But she told me about it, and that's what matters to me because it opened up a conversation about responsible drinking, and that it's a good idea to have at least one person in a crowd that stays sober to take charge if there's a problem (for future reference).

Boyfriends parents allow the same amount of freedom as we do.

usualsuspect · 09/04/2010 15:25

If you lay the law down too heavy to teenagers ..they will do things behind you back..better to be open and let them tell you things ,even if its not what you want to hear...

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:27

Also, I don't think that I'm handing her a loaded gun. Her hormones will do that in due course.

I think you may be mistaking my trust and confidence in my daughter to do the right thing for her as 'passing her a three pack and a tube of lube'.

She's still a virgin, as far as I know, so you can stop getting all worked up about it, really.

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:35

I think a screwed up adolescence is having your parents encourage you to have sex with your boyfriend when you are 14.

And I think taking the attitude that they are going to do it anyway and so you might as well facilitate it is silly.

I'd rather have a teenager that was out taking drugs and getting pissed with her mates than one that spent all her time with her "serious" boyfriend in one of their bedrooms having deep and meaningfuls and shagging.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:37

Oh, I get it now!

When she gets home from the park, I shall remove her bedroom door and hand her a spliff.

hehehe.

Remotew · 09/04/2010 15:38

Not sure I would encourgage underage sex taking place under my roof. Leaving young ones in a bedroom undisturbed is inviting it. I know they might do it down the park instead but I wouldn't be knowingly comfortable.

This is speaking from experience of being left alone in my own lounge with my boyfriend from age 14. Wish my parents had had more concern.

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:42

Why do you wish that, abouteve?

I curious because my parents went out fairly regularly leaving me and my boyfriend alone in the house. It didn't mean they weren't concerned about me, and I've never felt that it did.

I had the facts about contraception and STDs, and although I was sexually active from a young age, I never got any 'nasties' and got pregnant for the first time when I was 28.

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:42

I wonder though what your culpability would be if you allowed your teenage son to have his underage girlfriend in his room and they had sex and her parents made a complaint.

Anyone know?

Scrudd · 09/04/2010 15:47

No idea. I doubt you'd be charged with anything as the parent.

I do wonder about parents that insist on having underage boys charged with statutary rape if they have consensual sex with their girlfriend. I mean, what help is that to anyone?

TimTamSlam · 09/04/2010 15:52

"I'd rather have a teenager that was out taking drugs and getting pissed with her mates than one that spent all her time with her "serious" boyfriend in one of their bedrooms having deep and meaningfuls and shagging."

Really, ski would you really? Or are you joking? Because I can't get my head around that one.

skidoodly · 09/04/2010 15:52

I don't think it should be possible to charge an underage boy for consensual sex with his underage girlfriend.

the age of consent is there to prevent teenagers being sexually exploited by adults. it shouldn't be used to deny young people their right to choose to have sex

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