is this normal for a 17 yr old

[notsofarnow]

dd 17 yrs old with a 21 yr old boyfriend. He hasn't been in our house, she always goes to his. She says she will never bring anyone back here because everyone shouts. She has 3 siblings 15, 6 and 5 so life is never quiet.

But tonight i asked her to ask him if he would come here as i wanted to go out. She text him and he didnt text back so when he arrived I asked if she was going to ask him and she said he obvioulsy doesn't wanto to because he is still in the car.

2 concerns really 1 that she wont bring people back here, 2 that why does he have to make the decisions?

In the last few months she has turned quite selfish with the its all about me attitude.

I would be quite worried about my 17 yo dd going out with a 21yo who I hadn't got to know very well.... sitting in the car and avoiding you is just plain rude. I would think he's making decisions because he's going out with a young woman, not one his own age.

I don't have any experience of a parent of a 17 yr old but I was your daughter

At 17 I meet my now dh who was 24 at the time.

Re your concerns.

1. Most children are embarassed by their families at this age, and also she is a young woman with a boyfriend when out of your house whereas in the house she'll be your daughter. Don't know if that makes sense. She could well feel self consious having him there in front of you. My brother was 15 at that time too and delighted in saying anything to embarass me.

2. I agree re he shoudln't make all the decisions, dh used to wait for me in the car. We would even sit in the car and chat rather than going in the house. My parents invited him out with us for my 18th birthday so they meet him 6 months after we started seeing each other. Not sure how long your daughter has seeing him but maybe tea would be a good idea to put your mind at rest.

Her attitude is normal, she's trying to find her way in the world. You just need to keep showing her that it possible to do that AND be nice and thoughtful plus keeping her confidence high so she dpesn't take crap from boys!

hth

Not sure the age gap is such an enormous issue: a 21yo boy is quite often going to be on about the same developmental level as a 17yo girl. A bit of a problem that he is of age and she isn't, maybe, but on the whole a very normal age gap for that time of your life.

What would worry me is his evasiveness and the fact that he seems to be calling the shots/doesn't bother to be polite to her family.

When I was 19 and met 23yo later to become dh, it was a very equal relationship from the start, because we were both adults. If she is still thinking of herself as a child going out with a grown man, that could make her quite vulnerable.

MsDOctor its not about being rude, its about privacy, which with 3 siblings she wouldn't get in the house.

I was brought up, as were my bfs, to meet and get to know parents. My first bf when I was 16-19 made a point of chatting to my parents.

To not come in and say hello is rude.

my concerns exactly but i can't live her life for her can I. I think its rude too don't know wht to do anymore.

thanks lovebeingmummy that sets my mind at rest a bit. I don't know how to tackle it with her or whether I should just leave her to it or she will rebel even more. Oh why isn't there a handbook.

My DS1 is 16 and I know how difficult it is when they bring girlfriends home.
He obviously worries about being embaressed but I am afraid I wouldn't tolerate the extent of the rudeness/evasion here.

IF she were mine I would tell her that I understand her need for privacy and I don't expect her to come in and spend their evenings with us but that we expect to meet him.
I would also spend quite a lot of time explaining ( very gently) that she knows that we love her and we are not trying to make life difficult but she should be wondering why, this boy who apparently cares for her, will not do this small thing to reassure her family.

Particularly with a girl I would be very very wary of any young man who avoided the most basic contact with her family.

Go with Pagwatch's suggestion...

Just be very nice and calm, leave out the 'rude' bit and go along with 'curious'....that you would love to meet him, get to know him etc.

thanks for all your suggestions. He finished with her earlier because apparantly she flirts with and txts other boys. Then after half hour of msn'n it was back on and he said he was jealous which I had said to her 1/2 hour before, that it was to do with his insecurities and not her.

I don't know what to think now. Oh well it will all come out in the wash.

At 17 your daughter has already reached the age where she has, in her own mind, become independent of you. However, she is still needs you to provide her with food, clothing, a home etc. For the teenager this can be quite a stressful situation. Wanting to be independent, yet having to be dependent on you. If she prefers to spend time outside of the home it's perfectly natural. Try to be understanding and accepting of this. It will help your relationship with her because she will see that you trust her and and that you understand her need for independence.

The selfishness is not a change in personality. It's more likely to be because she is having to cross that divide from childhood to adulthood. It's not an easy transition. She is having to cope with changes within her. Just like mature adults, teenagers become quite self-focused when they experience traumatic times. While you cannot let her get away with bad behaviour, try to understand that her selfishness is more to do with self-preservation and her need to 'find herself' than it is to do with not caring about you.

Having parented a son and a daughter through their teens, I learned that the best approach is to be one of a friend and advisor; to allow them to be themselves while being available to offer support whenever they need it.

If you want any more advice on how to understand and deal with your teenage daughter please read my article at ezinearticles.com called "Negotiating The Adolescent Years" bit.ly/8FcK5G