Despairing of my DD's lack of fashion sense

[Remotew]

Try not to moan about my DD (15) on here as she is basically a very easy teenager but things have come to a head re her sense of dress.

I long since realised she was never going to be interested in fashion but it's getting ridiculous.

She wears the same pair of jeans most of the time. I have to go out a buy her clothes myself. We don't get chance to shop together much as we live in a rural area. When I take her into town she isn't interested and says she doesn't need anything.

Her friend came round to go out, kitted out in the latest, as most of them are. She came down in a vest top and flimsy jacket! On a freezing night so I had a bit of a go. Truth is I'm embarrased as it looks like I carn't afford to clothes her nicely. She changed into a warmer coat eventually.

Any tips to get her to take a bit more pride. On the rare occasion that she goes to a party I have to buy her a dress or borrow something and she looks lovely.

Gah - I meant 'were' not 'wear' - am typing through a migraine and need to go to bed.

Janeite, Can I offer some advice re the migraines. I take naramig, which is a naratrimtaine (sp) they have been a life changing drug for me.

Thank you - never heard of it. Is it available over the counter? Mine always coincide with my period, then last for several days after it finishes - always in just one eye.

It's only on prescription. I have a repeat. Symptoms sound very similar to mine. One sided and niggling which is extrutiating at night. If I don't take it I will suffer for three days. If I take it it takes an hour to shift. Makes you a little drowsy and tingley in the first hour.

Go and ask your doctor for it, worth a try, it's been a wonder drug for me.

sgb not about what i wear but just that i bother

agree re teens aand coats

it is great less expense!

Did ask if the flamers ever bought their DC's new clothes because the instinct doesn't die out when they reach teens and are supposed to take the responsibility because it doesn't always work out that way.

I like the sound of your DD:

She prefers books to clothes - so she has brains then - which can't be bad

She doesn't wear clothes from River Island or New Look and her friend's dad asked you how he can encourage his DD to dress like your DD. So she sounds like she's actually got a natural sense of style

You don't seem that appreciative of your DD to be honest. You're not proud of her brains and your response to the compliment to your DD is "ROFL".

I think you should leave her alone to be honest - you could be (totally unintentionally) doing more harm than good.

The instinct might not die out but by the time you're a teenager you probably expect parents to have an idea of what you like and not just get you what they like.

I mean when you say she says she doesn't need anything - is that maybe because you're trying to get her what you think she ought to be wearing, not what she likes wearing?

Fashion may just be a total mystery to her and not something she wants to learn about yet - she may just want to be invisible, and feel very self-conscious in more fashionable clothes.

AE: Yes, I buy my DS clothes. He is 5so not really up for buying his own just yet. We have already had a dispute or two about his clothing in that I have bought him things that I think he would look nice in, but he hates them (he wins those) and times when I want him to wear a particular item/outfit for a particular occasion (I win those sometimes, mostly we compromise I bribe him withtrain-related-- stuff.) If you were trying to get your DD to put on clothes she doesn't much like for specific occasions where it would be courteous to other people, then you would not be being unreasonable, but at present you are coming across as someone who wants to treat your DD like a dress-up doll or force her to conform like the rest of the mundanes, and you seem to be having trouble understanding that she's a person and her choosing to care about things other than handbags and stilletos is up to her, not you.

SGB I had this when DD was younger it didn't matter how it looked it was how it felt.

Quattro I love her, I am and so proud of her, she is very intelligent but we don't like to go on about that in case our DC's drop out so keep that low key. Sorry if it comes across to the contrary.

We are close being a single mum/teen daughter outfit. Was a bit shocked that posters have pointed out that she is trying to conform to my norms so have taken this on board, after all this is why we post on here.

Abouteve, I'm really sorry if I've upset you - didn't mean to flame you that badly -maybe I worded it a bit too strongly! Also feeling guilty now for criticising my mother - she's lovely, and the perfect parent in many ways (as I'm sure are you) - just has a bit of a blind spot about 1 or 2 things. Doesn't stop me from loving her.

It's difficult to give much more advice, as your daughter won't be exactly the same as I am - I think you're doing the right thing just by coming on here and being open to other ideas. I think the clothes you can legitimately push are the ones that are essential - 'you really need a decent winter coat in case it snows and you have to take the bus to school' - that sort of thing. And let her know that clothes can be bought if she ever wants them. And don't forget that mid-teens is a relatively short phase and in 5 or 7 years time you will probably look back and be surprised that it worried you - both of you will have changed and adjusted slightly and your daughter will have matured and made her mind up about what she likes.

My compromise with my mother was that she got better at working out what I really liked, and then clothes would sometimes just appear in my wardrobe. That cut out the shopping bit. If they didn't fit or looked wrong, they went back to the shop. I tended to go for the less showy stuff - could still be trendy and look nice, so long as I felt fairly invisible wearing it. And yes, I did come to enjoy wearing nice clothes, and have got picky about fabric and quality. And came round to the idea that I would have to buy things myself, eventually.

I still find clothes shopping stressful and keep it to a minimum. I can almost feel my blood pressure going up - but I do it when I have to, and have also been complimented on my style.

Again, sorry - didn't really think you'd notice my post among all the others. Won't be so direct next time.

I definitely had a phase of anti-fashion in my teens. It's just a period of developing self image/independence/adjustment isn't it? I've never been particularly confident with clothes and teenage years are when most girls have a confidence nose dive. I used to slouch around in old blokes shirts and jumpers from Oxfam . All teenagers need to rebel, some do it with six-inch miniskirts and heels to match, some with old jeans and their nose in a book.

Let her be herself and know that you still care regardless, maybe even try to find the funny side (both sides!). This thread is reading rather like an episode of Ab Fab after all

Remember that someone who doesn't have any interest in fashion is not going to feel comfortable in clothes chosen by someone else any more than you would.

Even if you are sure and even right that something would look good on your dd, if she doesn't know it herself, it won't feel right to her, and she may even feel vulnerable and embarrassed to be out wearing things that say 'trying to be fashionable' without the inner confidence that comes from believing herself that they look good.

At least jeans and simple tops are in no danger of saying 'look at me I'm trying to be fashionable'! So no danger of getting it wrong in the same way. And on top of that they're simple and comfortable to wear and as that's really all clothes need to be - no one should feel they have to go beyond that if they don't want to.

abouteve-I think you are being entirely normal and I would be exactly the same.
There is nowt wrong with imparting a bit of guidance re. fashion etc.
She can accept it or not , nothing wrong with you giving it.

And I would also like to emphasise that liking books and reading does not preclude a love of fashion.
My dd loves a jaunt around Waterstones and Topshop.

Thank you everyone. tbh I'm a bit tearful now reading the recent posts. I am really going to back off her now, thanks to your input.

VG love your mum for still putting a nice jacket in your wardrobe without you knowing. I saw a lovely one from next. OKKK slap my hand.

She is such an individual, love her to bits, as I hope you can gather but sometimes that means, hoping they fit in with their peers, even when they are obviously not.

VG underlying health issues are a factor with DD.

Not pushing her to wear certain things doesn't mean you can't teach her though - she'll probably be far more open to learning all the unwritten rules of how to choose clothes from you if she isn't feeling any pressure.

Try to always be really positive about what other people are wearing, even strangers (don't go round being highly critical of other people's dress sense or she'll end up terrified that's what other people will do to her)! Draw attention to the good choices of people you see and be kind about bad choices. Help her gradually to notice clothes - that's a start - it will be useful to her eventually even if it's never a burning interest.

You might not see any evidence of her using what she's learnt for a decade or more, but I bet she will eventually!

ggirl, thanks too.

About Eve, being flamed for caring that your dd looks good. Out of order imo. Your dd will probably find her own style.

We are all different, different daughters and different mothers.

Eve, you're just being the mother of a teenage girl.

Good luck with it when I bring stuff home for dd, (she's 16) and I think its really trendy, she says things like 'yeah its nice for you' etc. When I buy her stuff and have to take it back to NEW LOOK, FRENCH CONNECTION, TOPSHOP, PRIMARK etc etc. (Comes in quite handy when I need something to wear)

So, I leave it to her now.

Monty27, yeah that is how it is. [punch in air emotion]

DD goes out with a bit of money to spend and comes back with knickers from Primark, also nightwear, which is in the comfort zone, very snuggly, then I ask did you buy anything to wear. Nooo. I bought a book. Don't you just love em ??

Eve, yes we do soooo much. so beautiful at that age aren't they.

They're canny too ya know!

Must go to bed, took me ages to write this!

Night!

eve, I think our dd's are twins separated at birth !

I totally identify with you

and having read all the replies from the beginning, I too will back off a little bit from thinking that she should have my attitude towards clothes and fashion

although, my approach too came from a love of her and wanting to give her nice things (things I never had as a child....)

I think you worry too much about your dd's popularity- this really isn't a competition.

I wasn't vastly popular as a young teen; I was far more likely to stay indoors and read books than to try to get into the popular set or get asked out by boys. I was faintly worried by it at the time, but certainly not because I missed their company. The only thing that caused me a faint niggling worry was that other people seemed to be telling me that this was something a young girl had to do, so I did wonder a little if I was a failure. Otoh I knew perfectly well that to me, taking an interest in clothes and make-up would be far to great a sacrifice to score in this particular competition.

And looking back- I have no regrets whatsoever! I'm 46, I've had plenty of attention in life, great fun, it's not something you have to have done by a certain age or it's never going to happen. Keeping my own style ensured that I actually made friends with people I found interesting and got attention from men I could bear to spend an evening with- nothing wrong with that at all. If I had changed myself to suit others, I would never have ended up with the kind of people (or the kind of man) who were right for me. And the kind of life I did end up having (and enjoying immensely) was nothing my mother could have foreseen or helped to shape me for, because she had no experience.

Just something to consider. The earlier your dd learns to be proud of herself for what she is, the better. She sounds great.

Oldest DD grew up in Chicago, summer and winter, and never wore a coat. Or a jacket heavier than a fleece except to go sledding at night with her friends, when she wore one with the zip fashionably open. With a T-shirt underneath. She never listened to me about getting cold, never froze to death either. Now that she's in college, she has bought herself a pea coat.

I was a bookish teen and still don't dress too fashionably; DD decided at age 11 she was a preppie girl, and spent incredible amounts of her hard earned babysitting money on her clothes and accessories. It wasn't the way she was raised. We looked like beings from different planets. I bit my tongue often, and decided it was ok for us to be different. We haven't been shopping together more than twice since she was 12.

On the plus side, as far as I could see, this is a girl who worked hard in school and sports and held down part time jobs, had a large circle of friends, and always knew her own mind. Came through a rough patch dealing with her father, my exH, and kept on rolling.

Count your blessings where your DD is concerned. Love her for what she is.