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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Despairing of my DD's lack of fashion sense

101 replies

Remotew · 11/11/2009 17:52

Try not to moan about my DD (15) on here as she is basically a very easy teenager but things have come to a head re her sense of dress.

I long since realised she was never going to be interested in fashion but it's getting ridiculous.

She wears the same pair of jeans most of the time. I have to go out a buy her clothes myself. We don't get chance to shop together much as we live in a rural area. When I take her into town she isn't interested and says she doesn't need anything.

Her friend came round to go out, kitted out in the latest, as most of them are. She came down in a vest top and flimsy jacket! On a freezing night so I had a bit of a go. Truth is I'm embarrased as it looks like I carn't afford to clothes her nicely. She changed into a warmer coat eventually.

Any tips to get her to take a bit more pride. On the rare occasion that she goes to a party I have to buy her a dress or borrow something and she looks lovely.

OP posts:
JesusChristOtterStar · 13/11/2009 17:52

about eve i totally empathise with you on this as i said earlier
dp even says to me - 'it's odd - you are well dressed and groomed etc so its odd that S isn't'

we are just saying that the female role model at home is one way...

SolidGoldBangers · 13/11/2009 18:54

JCOS: so your DP doesn't know much about teens either? FFS the majority of teens (of either gender) don't copy their parents' dressing habits, they dress to impress their mates which usually involves appalling the parents in some way or other.

While it's reasonable for a parent to coax or plead or order a teenager to dress reasonably appropriately for (say) Great Aunt Herbetina's 80th Birthday or something (eg, please leave the Jesus Is A Cunt t-shirt at home for once/have a wash/wear a skirt that doesn't actually flash your clit piercing), the rest of the time teens should be let get on with it. I rather suspect that the OP's DD is quite aware of her mother's attitude towards appearance, which appears to be that it's a woman's duty to 'look nice', and is reacting against it partly to assert her identity as different from Mum and partly because she may well have formed the opinion that there is more to being a woman than prettiness. An opinion which, formed at an early age, will serve her well all her life.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 20:14

I really appreciate everyone's input here but some of it is missing the point. The only reason I started this thread was because it came to a head when she tried to go out inappropriately dressed for the season. The flimsy jacket is one of mine from a few years ago that she's claimed.

I'm not trying to get her to dress in a certain way and if she came home transformed as a emo or with a 'Jesus is a cunt' t shirt on I wouldn't mind as she is expressing herself and putting some thought into it.

What is bothering me is total apathy, grabbing the first thing she can find, and staring at the walls when we enter a clothes shop. I think it is unusual but can see from some of your replies that perhaps it isn't. Will say that she is clean, she will do her hair and put a bit of make up on. She's gone out tonight with a new black jumper dress, leggings and warm coat and scarf.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 13/11/2009 20:42

"What is bothering me is total apathy, grabbing the first thing she can find, and staring at the walls when we enter a clothes shop."

so you care a great deal about what you look like, your clothes and your figure

she doesn't. its called being a teenager - you rebel against the values of your parents

the more you nag her, the less she will care. i would stop now, while she is still washing and doing her hair

WhatSheSaid · 13/11/2009 20:43

With respect, I think you too are missing the point of what some people on here are saying to you.

You say you are bothered by her "total apathy" about clothes. People are saying to you, she doesn't have to be interested in clothes. She may have zero interest in them. Just because she is a teenage girl doesn't mean she has to be bothered about fashion. At her age I too was far more interested in book shops than clothes shops and I have turned out OK

JANEITEisntErudite · 13/11/2009 20:50

Agree with Kristina and Whatshesaid tbh. But mostly popped on to admire Whatshesaid's presumably Moz-inspired name!

WhatSheSaid · 13/11/2009 20:59

Yes, Meat is Murder was the first Smiths LP I bought and was listened to endlessly .

On the topic of the thread, I was 13 at the time and shortly afterwards had a mohican, ripped jeans, tie-dyed clothes, baseball boots worn till they fell apart, followed shortly by hair dyes red, green, blue, purple etc etc. My mum must have hated it but, bless her, she never said a word, just let me get on with it. So you see, Abouteve, it could be worse...

There are a few Smiths-inspired names, I've spotted a VicarInATutu and ThisCharmingMan. And Iwouldgoouttonight.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 21:04

No I've got the point that some teens are not interested in fashion from the thread now. Most of my friends at school were and most of her friends are so to me it's unusual.

I've taken her into shops, picked clothes out, almost frog marched her into the changing rooms, sat outside and she says oh I love it! That is not rebelling is it? I think she just needs a bit of guidance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 21:07

Whatshesaid, now that I understand, (DD I don't) what style you had. I went through a punk thing at around 16. It didn't last long. Funnily enough I can remember my mum going on about me buying bits of clothes and not putting an outfit together .

OP posts:
SolidGoldBangers · 13/11/2009 21:26

Abouteve, why are you so bothered? She doesn't need guidance in how to dress, she is REJECTING the idea that clothes are important. She has a perfectly valid point. I do think that it's you who has the issue, not her. Were you taught a bit forcibly that women have to care about their appearance more than men, or something? Because as long as a human being is clean and 'decently' covered according to the social environment s/he is in (eg no pubes or nipples on show unless in a nudist camp, a lot more coverage if in a superstitous environment) it DOESN'T matter.

Vigilanteawarenessraiser · 13/11/2009 21:32

About Eve, I think you're making a mistake. I was just like your daughter - zero interest in fashion and my appearence, more into books. My mother took a similar line to yours. She didn't take into account that I was content with the way I looked, and felt secure that way. Pressure about my appearence only served to make me feel insecure and even resentful, at a time when I was already coping with shyness, poor selfe esteem and undiagnosed illness.
I'm now in my late 20s, and have found my own sense of style - a little later than most people, partly due to pressure to wear things that weren't 'me'. I like to wear nice clothes that suit me - but on my terms. I still can't do make-up. I still find clothes shopping deadly boring, and will do almost anything to avoid it. After a few blazing rows my family have become more accepting of my views.

You are risking that your daughter will feel resentful and even let down by you over something that might matter to her. Why should her 'apathy' bother you, if it's her choice? You should be proud that you have a daughter who is 'basically a very easy teenager', who doesn't follow the crowd and whose self-esteem is not bound up in her looks - which in any case will not last for ever.

Georgimama · 13/11/2009 21:36

I'd be proud of a daughter who would rather spend £50 in Waterstones than New Look.

The OP is old enough to be my mother, and I don't shop in River Island anymore because I consider it too young for me. My 20 year old neice shops there.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 21:59

OMG I'm getting a right flaming here.

Vigialantea, I'm very humbled by your post and realise that this is what I could be guilty off. Can I ask how I can come to a sucessful compromise on the clothes issue. At this age would you have taken it on yourself to go out and buy winter/summer clothes that you liked or would you have not bothered buying anything new for years. Do I completely bow out? Hope you can offer some guidance on this.

OP posts:
WhatSheSaid · 13/11/2009 22:25

I'm not meaning to flame you, Abouteve, I'm just trying to make you realise that to some teenage girls, fashion is just not that important. And the fact that she is not interested is really not a big issue.

I don't like clothes shopping much, barely do make up, have one pair of shoes that aren't trainers, hate going to the hairdressers - I really don't give a shit abotu all that stuff. It's just not on my radar.

If it was a teenage ds, would you care that he didn't want new clothes or would you just accept that?

I agree that you risk making her resentful and her becoming distanced from you over this. Just leave her be. She'll be fine.

PixiNanny · 13/11/2009 22:35

anyfucker: makeup is understandable, but I admit that I have never met a teen before who will admit to wearing their mothers clothes! It is a rare thing.

abouteve: You really are just not gettign the point. She's saying she likes things probably to get you to be quiet and take her home. Gods know that the only clothes I'm ever picking out happily are wetsuits and rash vests! My sisters, on the other hand, love buying the latest things. your daughter does NOT need guidance, she needs to be left alone. She won't thank you for pushing it on her in the years to come! And it annoys me that you encourage her to wear make up, you should be encouraging her to feel good in her own skin.

There is no compromise 'on the clothes issue', leave her to her devices. give her pocket money, she can spend it on what she wants be it books or clothes. She'll soon learn that she needs a coat.

Georgimama · 13/11/2009 22:39

Teenaged girls don't wear coats. None of them, geeks or princesses. I didn't when I was a teenager.

JANEITEisntErudite · 13/11/2009 22:53

My 14 year old borrows lots of my tops and cardigans, even though they are too big for her. She especially likes to steal my pretty silk tops and grandad style cardigans. She also borrows my bags (not that I have many as I can't be doing with them) and my make up and my perfume - gah.

Neither she nor I would contemplate shopping in River Island though.

JANEITEisntErudite · 13/11/2009 22:54

And OP - yes, I think you completely bow out and leave her to it. As I said, way, way down in the thread: providing she's clean, that's all that matters.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 22:59

Georgi about my River Island top! Apart from it looked very nice on both of us. Where do you shop btw, hey I could be old enough to be your nieces granny, chuffed I can look good in clothes that she can wear. My niece (30) bought the same jacket as me after seeing me in it recently. has well and truly crumbled. lol

OK Pixi, after reading Vigi's post I think you could be right she is humouring me. Honestly I didn't realise this.

You know how it is you love your kids and want them to be their best but she wonders why whispers boys people arn't inviting her out. Might be because she stays in reading a lot of the time but has started going out a bit now. Guess I am pushing that. Now I feel like a disaster and not a loving mum.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBangers · 13/11/2009 23:00

Abouteve: why does it even matter if she buys new clothes, if the ones she has fit her and are not indecent? Buying new clothes isn't compulsory, either (and in fact it's far more ethical to not buy new clothes unless and until the clothes you already own are unwearable).

Do you think people won't love you if you're not fashionably, expensively dressed? Because, while there are some people who will think less of you if you are not 'pretty' and 'trendy', they are wankers and their opinion is worth fuck all.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 23:02

Janeite, they are boyfriend cardis! tut, tut get with it girl. I've got one on and bought it last year before they were all over the shops. Sorry Georgia!

OP posts:
Georgimama · 13/11/2009 23:03

You might think you look good in clothes my 20 year old neice wears, whether that is true or not is of course in the eye of the beholder.

Where do I shop? Lots of places. But like your daughter, I'd rather have a bookcase full of books than a wardrobe full of clothes.

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 23:05

SGB, do you buy your DC's new clothes?

OP posts:
JANEITEisntErudite · 13/11/2009 23:05

They were grandad cardigans when I wear a lass, so that's what they still are

Original poster
Remotew · 13/11/2009 23:07

FFS I would like to post a photo so you can see my top is perfectly acceptable on a 48 yr old, but won't. Don't write yourself off yet Georgia.

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