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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter dliemma :(

56 replies

coolma · 31/10/2009 17:47

Argh...I really am caught in the middle her...dd1 who is 19 has been working in Spain for the past two months - she hates it and wants to come home, whcih is fine by me - she's au pairing and the woman sounds like a nightmare tbh - makes her clean the toilet three or four times without gloves on, insists that cans are alphabetical, allows the children to shout and swear atdd , makes her buy the food with her own money etc. However, she's tried and I feel she has given it her best but really can't take any more. Basically she's asked if she can stay with us for a short while - we have ds1 9 and dd2 4 and three bedrooms. dd2 has just moved into her room, and we seriously don;t have space. DD1 says she will sleep on the sofa but I've suggested we put dd2 back on the bottom bunk with ds for a while. Husband (dd1's stepdad aince she was 6) is going beserk at this. I know that dd's dad won;t have her back as he is a prick. End Of. He also has two dc, but they are particularly special and can't possibly be put out dh is ranting about the disruption it will cause, how she is 'always' causing grief, will never leave etc. dd1 is and always has been a fantastic girl, she doesn't smoke, she is inteligent hardworking, sensible, and has just got herself into a bit of a muddle. We've paid for her to come home next week, but she was intially just coming for the weekend and going back, now though she is really distressed. I am really caught. It will be stressful - we both have difficult jobs and life is pretyy hard as it is, but I know she'll get a job and try her best to move out asap - for a start she is fed up with small children so will hate being around our two , but what do i do? Sorry for the rant, but I am feeling really caught - i want to scream at him 'I hope you won;t treat your 'real' kids like this, but that would be awful, he has always been fabulous with her.... Help!

OP posts:

JANEITEluddite · 31/10/2009 17:50

I think your husband is being horrible tbh.

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 17:51

Thank you!

OP posts:

sarah293 · 31/10/2009 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hercules1 · 31/10/2009 17:52

How awful for her at 19 not being able to come home without all this grief .

OvergrownBush · 31/10/2009 17:57

She's only been gone for two months so it's not as if her coming back will upset everyone's long term habits and expectations.

Where else does your dh expect her to go?

ADifferentMe · 31/10/2009 17:57

Speaking as a mum, a step-mum, and a former au pair to a similar sort of person your DD has to come first in this situation.

Why do you think your DH is reacting like this when he's always been so good with her?

I wasn't a brilliant step-mum and I admit to being greatly relieved when DSS left home (I adore him now) but looking back I don't understand why DH didn't stand up for either his son or me rather than sitting on the fence.

Poor girl will probably be itching to get away again soon. I had to return to my parents for a couple of months and hated it when I'd got used to own rules. I'm sure she won't stay for long!

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 17:58

I know. It's horrible. I hate it. She will be welcome here, but I will know that he is pissed off about it. The shitty thing is that she also knows her father won't have her there. There is no way I will not have her here, and i know that dh loves her, I guess he just feels that she made the choice to go (incidentally she actually left home about a year ago) so she should be more responsible about what she's doing. He doesn't want our lives 'disrupted'

OP posts:

bodycolder · 31/10/2009 17:58

She is your daughter end of story.She is still very young I would sleep anywhere and rearrange things for ds rathr than put hin through this.Your dh is being a bit unreasonable.She has made a mistake we all do it!

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 17:59

Riven, I absolutley would and will put her before him if it ever came to that!

OP posts:

Disenchanted3 · 31/10/2009 18:00

kick DH out, more room for DD then.

OvaryActing · 31/10/2009 18:01

Your husband is being a selfish git. Even if he thinks those things, he should respect you and keep his opinions to himself.

rosieposey · 31/10/2009 18:03

omg I have three teenage daughters and dh is stepdad to all three (has been for 3) years we also have a ds of our own aged 8 months. We are moving shortly to a 5 bed from our 3 , very lucky I know but dh has always said they came as a part of me and no matter how old thy get or what trouble they get into there will always be support and a roof over their heads wether they are 17 ( eldest dd) or 27.

She is only 19 fgs and needs your support tell him that she is YOUR daughter and therefore by proxy HIS too so to stop being such an arse and to fgs help the poor girl get on her feet again!

Kerrymumbles · 31/10/2009 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crokky · 31/10/2009 18:05

Your DH is being either mean or ignorant. I hope it's just ignorant and that you can set him straight.

I saw this written on another thread and it is so true:

"You are a parent regardless of whether your child is 8, 18 or 80, it is a lifelong commitment"

or is he differentiating because your DD1 is not his biological child (disgraceful if so).

My parents are divorced - at 19, I wanted to live with my mum in the uni holidays etc...I can't imagine how hurt and lost I would have been if her DP had said no.

Your 2 younger ones are lucky that their mum and dad are together - your DD1 doesn't have that and I really think it is the absolute least you and your DP can do to let her come back HOME!!!!! Your DP is behaving like she is some sort of interloper . Where does your DP think DD1's HOME is???

It made me really to read your post. Your poor DD1 has nowhere to belong.

Show him the thread, let him see that other parents consider it totally reasonable for her to come home.

JANEITEluddite · 31/10/2009 18:06

I am just thinking of my stepdad, who married my mum when I was 6, as your daughter was. Even now, if I asked anything of him, I know he would say yes, even though I left home over 20 years ago!

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 31/10/2009 18:07

your poor DD. DH is not being fair. Put her first and let her come home. It's not easy being 19 and expected to just suddenly cope on your own. Surely your home should still be open to her when she is in need? if DH doesn't understand, well, tough!

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 31/10/2009 18:11

I feel very sad for your DD too.

19 is still so young and she's away from home in another country having a rotten time.

Your DH is being horrible saying he doesn't want her to stay. He needs to sort himself out.

You have no choice but to put your DD first. We all make mistakes, especially at that age.

MitchyInge · 31/10/2009 18:15

I don't think your daughter has actually made a mistake, she just needs to come home for a bit - not her fault the family she is working for are being horrible.

Hope your husband welcomes her warmly, what a twat.

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 18:35

He has always always treated her so brilliantly - going to parents evenings, sports days etc, when her dickhead 'real' dad never did, and has financially supported her as his own too, so I am really saddened and surprised at this. Of course it will be dificult and of course we will all find it hard but, as I said, she will soon get sick of it and be out of the door! He's acting disgracefully. He keeps going on about her 'disrupting the family' ffs she is part of this family - I feel like crying

OP posts:

Pimmpom · 31/10/2009 18:42

I feel really sad for you coolma as well as dd. You will never forget dh's reaction

MitchyInge · 31/10/2009 19:11

how about putting your son in eldest daughter's room while she shares bunk beds with the little one?

we're v overcrowded and if my 19yo comes home (as looks likely, also au pairing and v homesick) my heart will probably sink a tiny bit too

cremeeggs · 31/10/2009 19:19

I think he needs to remember it's her home too. She doesn't stop being a part of the famly because she's over 18. I would stand my ground if I were you, or start asking yourself some serious questions. How awful to make you effectively choose between your daughter and him.....

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 20:10

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 31/10/2009 20:22

How could you marry such an awful man? Three of mine have moved back after unversity and the third in his last year. It's wonderful. I suopose many step parents hate or don't like their step children and that's what happens in these blended families - he will put his new children first. Silly man.

Original poster

coolma · 31/10/2009 20:26

No he is not 'awful' He is certainly a million times the man her 'father' is. he has been absolutley wonderful since she was six, which is EXACTLY why I am posting here for advice. I am concerned at his attitude as it is so out of character and was asking for advice. He does not 'hate' his step daughetr and if we were lucky enough to have a big house, I guess it would be less of a problem. How lucky you are to have the room for three of yours to be able to move back in. Blimey, never thought I'd receive such a hateful response.

OP posts:

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