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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter dliemma :(

56 replies

coolma · 31/10/2009 17:47

Argh...I really am caught in the middle her...dd1 who is 19 has been working in Spain for the past two months - she hates it and wants to come home, whcih is fine by me - she's au pairing and the woman sounds like a nightmare tbh - makes her clean the toilet three or four times without gloves on, insists that cans are alphabetical, allows the children to shout and swear atdd , makes her buy the food with her own money etc. However, she's tried and I feel she has given it her best but really can't take any more. Basically she's asked if she can stay with us for a short while - we have ds1 9 and dd2 4 and three bedrooms. dd2 has just moved into her room, and we seriously don;t have space. DD1 says she will sleep on the sofa but I've suggested we put dd2 back on the bottom bunk with ds for a while. Husband (dd1's stepdad aince she was 6) is going beserk at this. I know that dd's dad won;t have her back as he is a prick. End Of. He also has two dc, but they are particularly special and can't possibly be put out dh is ranting about the disruption it will cause, how she is 'always' causing grief, will never leave etc. dd1 is and always has been a fantastic girl, she doesn't smoke, she is inteligent hardworking, sensible, and has just got herself into a bit of a muddle. We've paid for her to come home next week, but she was intially just coming for the weekend and going back, now though she is really distressed. I am really caught. It will be stressful - we both have difficult jobs and life is pretyy hard as it is, but I know she'll get a job and try her best to move out asap - for a start she is fed up with small children so will hate being around our two , but what do i do? Sorry for the rant, but I am feeling really caught - i want to scream at him 'I hope you won;t treat your 'real' kids like this, but that would be awful, he has always been fabulous with her.... Help!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2009 20:42

coolma

there is no choice here

your dd should be welcome in your home, she is only 19 ffs

she sounds lovely and like she has tried very hard in the face of adversity

although you say dh has been good in the past with her, he needs to realise that doesn't just stop

if she was shooting heroin, mugging grannies etc, then fair enough

take her back, she will move on soon enough (what 19yo will stay on once she is sorted ??)

if he doesn't like it, then he can hit the road, IMO

Original poster
coolma · 31/10/2009 20:53

I know, and I agree. sigh I'm just very hurt by the way he is acting as he really has never ever been like this before. Thank you all for your replies. I really do appreciate them.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 31/10/2009 20:57

When my sister unexpectedly got pregnant, my step dad said that if she wanted to move in with him and my mum she would be very, very welcome. My sister was in her mid twenties and had never lived with him (he and my mum got together after she had left home).

We can always go to our mum. How awful for your dd if she feels she can't.

ScaryFucker · 31/10/2009 20:59

coolma, you are letting her come home for a while aren't you ?

Original poster
coolma · 31/10/2009 21:05

Of course I am - there's no question that she waon't be welcome- it's just his attitude that is upsetting me.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2009 21:22

thats what I thought, cm

his attitude would upset me too

is he of the mind that once she goes she is gone ??

some blokes are very black and white

but we know, life is shades of grey

you need to talk to him, seriously

Original poster
coolma · 31/10/2009 21:29

I don't really know what his problem is to be honest. She really is not a problem - she has always worked, bought all her own clothes etc rarely asked us for anything and never had any huge crises for us to deal with - recently, since moving out, she's asked us to help her out financially a couple of times - for small amounts and we have - he's now throwing that back at me - I am genuinely baffled at his behaviour. Sounds dreadful but I almost want one of the younger ones to cause serious trouble to us when they're older just so he understands how great she has been...

OP posts:
salvolatile · 31/10/2009 21:37

Just a thought, coolmama, but is your Dh stressed? for example, maybe he is trying to look forward to his responsibilities lightening and all of a sudden comes a reminder that they never really go away?.... i'm not expressing myself very well; just know that I am married to a dear and loving man who has been known to go off the deep end in just as unreasonable a manner when he has been worried or stressed about stuff he is keeping to himself. Hope you get it worked out for all of you

ScaryFucker · 31/10/2009 21:41

aww, hang on in there

you sound totally baffled, as well you might

he will come round

not nice for you to be in the middle, and I expect you will be on pins when she is there

I am sure it will be temporary

you must make it clear though, you are behind her, and will countenance no shitty attitude from him

but also have a word with her, she must fit in with how her presence best suits the rest of the family (wrt sleeping arrangements etc)

no diva behaviour from your dd either

good luck xx

PixiNanny · 31/10/2009 22:09

I'm twenty and was just mother's helping/au pairing in gloucs. I was really stressed with the job and asked my parents to take me back so that I could leave. Mum and Dad are fine with it. I was there considerably longer than your DD but I really understand what it's like to be with a family who aren't your own, and to have kids about who are allowed to run free! I was lucky in that my host family were lovely, just overbearing after a year of it! tell your husband to suck it up until she can go elsewhere! She'll probs be able to find another 'au pair' job but one closer to home with older children if she's interested in it!

But don't let her go back, it was crushing my soul being in my job when I wanted to leave so badly!

Slambang · 31/10/2009 22:23

tell him

Butterfly99 · 31/10/2009 22:24

I would put the 4yr old in with the 9 yr old, and would welcome her back with open arms! I left home at 18 to go to uni but was always welcome back, although I didn't really ever go back for long! My sil is about to move back in with my inlaws and she is 44!!!!! I like to think i would always welcome my children back. I think your dh is being unreasonable.

witcheseve · 31/10/2009 22:27

I would be hard pressed to not have a room for DD back at home. I know your situtation is different and the younger ones have now got a room each, but perhaps it should have been on the understanding that a room should still be available for your eldest to return on a temporary basis.

I agree with others move the little ones back in together.

missingthepumpkin · 31/10/2009 22:28

Can see your issue is shock at DHs response - clearly there is something going on here that needs investigating. It may be that even he doesn't really understand why he is responding like this. And of course dd needs your support but then dh seems to too so you (of course) are going to have to manage a very tricky situation.

My advice FWIW is to give DH lots of care and understanding and time and space and attention and reassurance and try to get to the bottom of his very out of character behaviour, but be clear that dd is going to get your support too.

I'm afraid this is par for the course nowadays - kids leave, they come back, they leave, they come back. Boomerangs. He's going to have to get used to it.

Judy1234 · 31/10/2009 22:50

Not hateful but surely people pack in the people they love. My children share rooms. I work full time alone to keep the 6 of us, no practical or financial support from any man at all. But I think he should let her home. 19 is not really that old.

She must feel very displaced by the new younger children and the step father anyway. Why should he and those other children have preference in the home over her in her home. I don't think we cast our children off at 19. If the family does not have space for a load of younger new children they could have curbed the number. So many people have a second family and then damage the first family by doing so. I think in general the first family and children should come first.

Original poster
coolma · 01/11/2009 10:13

I have asked him what his objections are and it seems to be that he's worried she will disrupt the other two - in what way apart from practical, I don't really know. He's concerned she will start going out at all hours and coming in and waking everyone up, which is of course possible. I have told him that naturally we will be laying down some very firm ground rules and she will be expected to abide by them. I feel that people are judging me to be putting him and the children before her - I haven't and never would, am just so concerned at his attitude..it is so unlike him. I've spoken to her often about how she has felt growing uo with four younger half brothers and sisters, as it is obvioulsy a huge worry but she has never, to our faces, at least (!) seemd in anyway put out or 'displaced' although i am sure she must have felt it. To this end, we have always included her as best we can - even inviting her on holiday with us - you can imagine the response in recent years though . She will always be incredibly special to me and I worry myself stupid that I haven't been the best mum for her and am treating the others differently. In some ways this is so, as i had a serious alcohol problem when she was small, and was on my own with her till i met dh, I know I was not an efficient or capable mother at times and worry that I am treating the little ones better - also we now have a much higher standard of living financially. Oh dear, rambling now! Anyway, latest facebook message from last night is that she has met a 'hot Spanish pilot' so who knows what's going to happen now!!!!!! Argh - children

Thank you all so much

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 01/11/2009 11:04

Well I have the 3 student age children often coming in at 1, 2, 4am. That is normal life with older children and young people and most normal parents put up with it. My student son cooks dinner for his younger brothers every day. The older children are like free au pairs in the house. You work out compromises and having a 19 year old around can be really helpful. Think of all the times she can take the little ones out a weekends so you can have time alone at home and sex with your husband. You could even sell it to him on that basis.

Original poster
coolma · 01/11/2009 11:07

I guess it is, but she does need to be aware that she can't come in and make loads of noise, it's not a huge house - as for babysitting - She's very rarely done this, nor have we asked her - I don't feel it is our 'right' to expect it, why should we treat her like an unpaid servant!

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummy · 01/11/2009 11:16

Re your last comment, its not an unpaid servant surely it doing chores that she is able to do, at 19 she can stay in if you want a night out. Afterall she is part of the family and everyone should pull togther.

What does your DH suggest, surely sleeping on the sofa would put you all out more?

Original poster
coolma · 01/11/2009 11:46

Ok so we've had another 'chat' She will be sleeping in the big room on the bottom bunk with the nine year old. We have only just got dd2 to settle in her own room, so feel it would be the easiest thing all round for her to go in with ds1 (who is very cool about it!) Hopefully, she'll get a job pretty quickly and we'll obviously let her live here rent free so she can sort out a deposit ect for her own place. Thereby, her 'rent' will be to babysit sometimes Hopefully all will be ok!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2009 12:08

good luck coolma (you will probably need it )

Remotew · 01/11/2009 12:17

Glad you have come to a solution. The babysitting might just compensate for the late night disruption.

ruddynorah · 01/11/2009 12:17

gosh your poor dd! whre did she live before she went to spain? where are her belongings? what plans were there for her return, if any?

Original poster
coolma · 01/11/2009 13:00

Well she was working at H and M, deciding on her next move as it were. She suddenly announced she was going to live in Spain and would be there for a year We have most of her stuff and her da has the rest, with some scattered about at her various friends I think! As I said, she had left home about a year before and had plans to go on to university this September until the Spain thing happened!!

OP posts:
mumeeee · 01/11/2009 18:38

Welcome her into your home. She's tried but things haven't worked out for her. She's only 19. DD1 came back home for a few months after she'd finished Uni ( she was 21) and she shared with DD2 who was 18 at the time. DD1 is now 22 and married and DD2 is 19 and at uni. I would never stop DD2 coming back home in fact she'll be here in the holidays unti she finishes uni.

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