Troubled DS1

[lizzy6]

DS1 has been taking drugs for a couple of years and H and I have found it difficult to address. H has more recently expressed unhappiness in the marriage and is having an affair but does not wish to leave as he says he can't afford it. Since H's announcement DS1 has deteriorated significantly although seeming somewhat better (though mixed) more recently

I think it's time H went but am nervous of immediate consequences given volatile situation with DS1 - any thoughts? H not accepting he should go either but continuing with affair. Am trying to explain to him that situation is untenable (pretty disrespectful to me and crazy given DS1 situation)

if i were you i'd kick him out or just get up and leave,taking ds with me. however,things aren't that simple are they/

what help has ds had with the drug problem?

can your finances be arranged to make it possible for H to move out somewhere? a rented room in a shared house would be easy enough....

DS doesn't want any help at all and we can't do anything if he doesn't consent - so stuck on that one

I guess ultimately H either has to go or to somehow force a house sale which is difficult to do. My priority is stability for DS1 and DS2 and with this in mind I think they need to remain in their home. H has requested money to leave when this was discussed.

How old is he? Presumably he's late teens?

On the separation side, if you divorce him you may well get a Mesher order whereby the house is transferred to you with your h having a charge on it. When the youngest is 18, you sell up and split the proceeds. Who pays the mortgage etc is negotiable depending on the circs.

Get yourself an appointment with a family solicitor pronto. You can find one on www.resolution.org.uk

You should also be thinking about reducing your mortgage to interest only at least for the time being, thereby freeing up some income which may mean that you can pay the interest on the mortgage with a mixture of salary, tax credits and child maintenance (25% of your husband's net salary) and poss. some spousal mtce as well.

He's late teens
Thanks for Mesher Order advice will research
My salary is larger than his so he wants money to help him move forward
Thanks for advice

Income is only one factor to be taken into account. If you are going to be looking after dc, then you're in a stronger position in terms of housing need.

You may, in the short term, agree to let him off paying the child maintenance but that should only be for a month or two.

Definitely get yourself a free half hour with a local solicitor. Go armed with a sheet of A4 setting out respective incomes, value of assets (net of mortgage), any liabilities, length of marriage, ages of children. Get your house valued now by 3 estate agents.

Good luck

thanks - would it be possible to send me a C-A-T message?

Sorry, don't have CAT. Am just about to go out in 10 mins but if you have any specific questions, ask & I'll be back at about 5pm.

thanks for the advice

would like to share more but don't think I should share more in public sorry

No probs, as I say you can get a family specialist from the resolution website.

Good luck