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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Almost an AIBU thread - but I'm not, what do you think?

15 replies

mrsmike · 13/09/2009 20:38

Right, ds2 (15) has not been without problems over last 12 months - friends with liberal parents/drinking/smoking weed/all night parties (aka camping) v common and I do as much as poss to keep tabs on him, our r/ship is not too bad but has stressful moments. My friend has offered him 2 weekends work as dish washer in her pub and he will get awful lot of money - did it before, got about £150 including generous tips for just 1 w/e. So I have said this time if he wants to do it he must save half of what he earns - i.e. give half of it to me to look after rather than fritter away on probably undesirable things like he did last time. Its not like he has something specific in mind to spend it on like a new phone or something. Anyway he is outraged - his money, should be allowed to do what he likes - I say if he won't agree to saving half I'll tell friend he can't work. More indignant outrage. What do you think? I think I am being more than fair, of course

OP posts:
noddyholder · 13/09/2009 20:41

Well I have 15 yr old and he wouldn't like it either and i would let him fritter it and regret it which is what happened with ds when he sold a few camera bits and wasted the money and still he has no new lens!At 15 it is hard to impose rules without an almighty row

bigchris · 13/09/2009 20:42

i think it's up to him
if he wants to work all weekend he can do what ge likes with his wages
hopefully it'll be a lesson learned though and he'll save up for something he really wants

dh as a teenager did a paper round
his choice to get up a 6.30am and lug heavy papers around
he spent it on comics
fair enough i say
mil didnt ask for rent at 15

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 13/09/2009 20:43

I remember my mum telling me I would have to pay towards my keep when I started work and being bloody outraged. She was right, of course, and I did pay up.

Not sure I would do it for just a couple of weekends work. How about you negotiate with him - ask him if not half, how much does he think is reasonable (and not to say nothing).

mumblechum · 13/09/2009 20:43

Oooh, v difficult one.

I think if it's a one off, I'd be inclined to let him keep it to himself. He'll blow it on crap (my ds would go straight to Gamestation & there'd be nothing left), then he'll have nothing to spend next time he wants to go out, and maybe he'll have learned a lesson about budgeting. If you take over managing his money he'll never learn.

If he was going to earn £150 over a two month period you wouldn't be suggesting looking after half, I presume?

I do get that your concern is that he'll be blowing it on illegal substances, but in a way the money isn't really the issue, is it?
I think I'd be putting a stop to that pronto.

Hassled · 13/09/2009 20:47

It's up to him. 15 is too old to be told to hand over half your earnings because you're not sensible enough to look after it properly. The fact that he isn't sensible enough to look after it properly is not relevant. It's him doing the work, not you. He will learn, the hard way.

Original poster
mrsmike · 13/09/2009 21:07

yes mumblechum is right - main worry is that he'll blow it on booze/weed. It seems rife amongst his peers and hard for me to stop unless I lock him in his room. I just don't want to enable him to do this any more than is possible anyway, and going out with £100 in pocket seems road to disaster ...

OP posts:
ADifferentMe · 13/09/2009 22:14

I can sympathise - I feel like I've lost all control of DD since she had a regular income from her Saturday job. Fortunately her vice is clothes.

Is there anything coming up that he'll need money for? Only way I can influence my DD is by telling her what I won't be paying for - in this case, spending money for a school trip to New York next month.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I don't see what you can do - short of reporting his dealer!

danthe4th · 13/09/2009 22:30

Does he not have a bank account where he can see his money building up,if he is not saving up for anything then its up to him if he blows it but why not suggest he may like some new clothes, offer to take him to cult to buy a superdry hoody or something that he can keep, it may just give him the incentive to work for his clothes and nice stuff you won't buy. I stopped buying anything other than basic stuff for my 14 dd and she has to earn her money she now has a paper round which pays £12 a week. She has to pay half for school trips and her expensive fashion clothes that she wants.

piscesmoon · 13/09/2009 22:35

I would let him spend it the way that he wants, and let him learn that way. I think it better to learn by their mistakes. When I had a Saturday job as a teenager I would have been very resentful if my mother had wanted control.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 13/09/2009 22:46

When I was a young teen I spent all my Sat job money on lager, until my Dad went bust and had no money and then I needed it for a lot more important things. Can you restrict money and gifts to him so he better learns the value of money?

Unfortunately, booze, weed and pills are very cheap, so much cheaper than when we were kids so even if he only goes out with a fifth of the money, he can still get pretty wasted if that's what he chooses to do . Afraid I don't have advice about helping them to stop as the little ones I look after are just about to enter this phase. I do worry though. Liberal parenting caused enough drug problems among my peers when the weed was much weaker, E a brand new rarity and class A drugs really expensive. I'll be looking out here for advice...

piscesmoon · 13/09/2009 22:57

If he was buying booze I would confiscate it and want to know where he had got it. If he had been sold it underage I would make a big stink at the shop. I would confiscate drugs as illegal. When I said that I would let him make his own mistakes I was assuming that he was only buying goods that he was legally able to buy!

mumeeee · 13/09/2009 23:00

It's up to him. He has earned his money and you can't really ask him to save half of it. But you could ask him to pay towards any school expenses you have.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2009 23:17

his money, let him spend it on what he wants

but that is not the issue is it?

if he spends his own money, or indeed your money, on booze or weed he would be grounded and the stuff confiscated

Original poster
mrsmike · 14/09/2009 23:58

Got an ok resolution with this one - tonight he said he was prepared to save half of what he earns, but at the same time his dishwashing shifts have been reduced so he won't have obscene amount of cash, so I don't feel I need to interfere and make him save some. Unfortunately it is the easiest thing for them to get hold of booze - just ask the nearest 18 yr old to buy some on their behalf. Depressing but very true!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2009 17:25

thanks for the update

oh, gimme my toddlers back, they are much easier

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