daughter threatening not to go to university - help!

[olderandwider]

Hi, I'm new here but would really value some persepective on how to deal with my 18 year old's lack of enthusiasm for her second choice (ie insurance choice) university. Long story short, she messed around in 6th form and underperformed, so didn't make her predicted grades.

Her first choice uni rejected her, her second choice accepted her (even tho both offers had been identical!)She is really unkeen about her second choice, but has shown no enthusiasm for doing resits (in order to apply for 2010 entry she'd need to retake at least two A levels in November, I think) and she is talking about taking an unplanned gap year.

Thing is, she is a lazy madam and she will drive me mad lounging around the house. I doubt she will try very hard to get any sort of meaningful work (ie that will enhance her application for 2010 entry). Her younger brother is going into 6th form and I was looking forward to focusing more on his needs. DH and I think she should make the best of her insurance offer, and think she has had a narrow escape by avoiding clearing. It's a good university but just not what she really wanted.

She does want to go to uni (she is clever and went to a high-achieving school) but has taken this set back badly. Not doing resits would mean applying next year with 3Bs - not bad, but not enough to get her into the sort of course and uni she would like, and also unlikely to impress admissions tutors who will be looking at students with the new A* A levels.

Any views on this welcome!

Older's dd 'has shown no enthusiasm for doing resits' so that doesn't seem to be the issue.

And resits in the current climate of a shortage of university places aren't necessarily a safe option.

(Certainly not for someone who actually has a university place.)

And resists are in November not next May

My mum was of the 'now get on with it'variety when we were teenagers as she valued her own life more I suppose.All 4 of us resent it.

"relentless negativity"

"boot her out"

i think you are projecting a little too much here dittany

you are being super selective

what about the shopping for new uni clothes

and the champagne

(which was from the same post!)

18 year olds do need to learn to stand on their own two feet, though.

Mind you, am coming at this from the perspective of someone who couldn't wait to leave home, despite being very fond indeed of my mother and sister. I wanted to explore the big wide world, despite fucking up A-levels and going to a completely unknown university through clearing. (My own fault, had assumed I would sail through exams with no effort as always even though people had tried to tell me you did need to work.)

I agree dittany there is a negativity here which if the op's daughter gets it will be hurtful to say the least.why do they need to get rid of her to concentrate on the other child/what does her dad think?

It's interesting that some of you think I am being harsh. Perhaps I am. Thing is, to say the last 4 years have been challenging would be a massive understatement. (Dd has undergone anger management counselling - not sure how useful it has been, tbh).Uni was meant to be a positive thing. I am surely not the only parent who sees DC going to uni as, apart from everything else good about the experience, an opportunity to get some much needed distance and rediscover the good in each other? Just to stress, i see DD going to uni as important for her future, not as a convenient way to get her to leave home!

It seems the discussion has turned into uni v ask her to leave, and perhaps those are my options in the end. But I am not abandoning her! If she did move out we would be there for her, meals/practical help etc. She would not be banished with the locks changed!

Yes, DS is a different kettle of fish, but DH and I have bent over backwards to treat them the same - same rules/expectations etc. That said, I'm sure DD sees we find him easier to live with than her. To coin a phrase, she goes through life pulling at doors marked push!

talk of the devil ds1 just came for a fleeting visit

we are now £15 lighter he was wearing holey jeans - not in a good way

Becoming an adult is a process age means nothing its all about character love and support.she has done well but could have done better Why not give her some time to put things right.stand on her own 2 feet for once implies she could have done so sooner!

I would suggest that you insist your daughter does some voluntary work whilst she is living at home, at least until she finds paid employment. Maybe she could do an unpaid internship somewhere in a field that interests her?

If she shows no interest in doing anything at all I would give her a lot of regular household chores to do and stop the allowance. Would she find counselling useful? I think this is a very difficult stage of life for many young people - it can be hard to find your way and to realise that things will not be handed to you on a plate.

God you do favour him!How will she ever get to uni next year living in a bedsit

in the OP - OAW said her daughter was clever

11.07

"intelligent and very funny and charming "

"we have congratulated DD on her 3Bs (school were more optmistic as she got AABB at AS)- and I was very positive about her getting into second choice uni etc. Pointed out it was a good uni, she'd done well to be accepted there (their offer was originally ABB, like first choice) and we were proud of her."

cant be arsed to look any more - but i think the op has said good things too

But not intelligent or funny or charming enough to live with! There is independence that is one thing but this girl has had no chance to prove herself.Custy you gave your ds umpteen chances and he blew it but if he had wanted to improve his grades and try and better his situation I can't see you asking him to go!He had a gf and wasn't working iirc and you supported them initially but in your situation enough is enough this girl has just finished school.I have been where her dd is and it was a nightmare I didn't know which way to turn and consequently made a lot of bad decisions

I don't want to be negative but I'm not sure that packing her off to a university that she is unenthusiatic about is a good idea. My brother did very well in school and got a place at a good university, he didn't know what he wanted to do and I think he settled on something that he didn't have a burning desire to do. He had no enthusiasm and he only got there because my mother got him organised, did his packing and took him. On hindsight she thinks she should have taken notice because he did a year, got good exam marks, and left. He did manual work for a couple of years-sorted out what he wanted to do and went somewhere else on a completely different career track. It was the days of grants so he had to do the first year without a grant as he had already had it.
Your DD might get there and love it, but the signs point to the fact that it isn't where she wants to be. I would sit down and have a serious conversation, if she really doesn't want to go listen to her and work out alternatives. It is never too late. My DSs girlfriend started in the 6th form, got fed up and left and got a job. One year on she decided that she wanted to go to university and went back to college and is going this time-she is full of enthusiasm.
I would give her the options but point out that if she stays at home the allowance will stop and she will have to earn the money to go out and buy clothes etc.
Perhaps she lacks confidence-it seems weird to want to go somewhere with friends. I thought the whole point of university was that it is a whole fresh start and everyone (bar a few)don't know anyone. It is a chance to reinvent yourself-not something you can do if you are there with someone who has known you since a child!
Have you got someone unbiased who could talk to her about it? It may be that you are too emotionally involved.

I think you are reading far too much into it dittany!

I think it would be v interesting to hear her dd's side then I think you may find dittany is not too far from the truth.have been there awful!