daughter threatening not to go to university - help!

[olderandwider]

Hi, I'm new here but would really value some persepective on how to deal with my 18 year old's lack of enthusiasm for her second choice (ie insurance choice) university. Long story short, she messed around in 6th form and underperformed, so didn't make her predicted grades.

Her first choice uni rejected her, her second choice accepted her (even tho both offers had been identical!)She is really unkeen about her second choice, but has shown no enthusiasm for doing resits (in order to apply for 2010 entry she'd need to retake at least two A levels in November, I think) and she is talking about taking an unplanned gap year.

Thing is, she is a lazy madam and she will drive me mad lounging around the house. I doubt she will try very hard to get any sort of meaningful work (ie that will enhance her application for 2010 entry). Her younger brother is going into 6th form and I was looking forward to focusing more on his needs. DH and I think she should make the best of her insurance offer, and think she has had a narrow escape by avoiding clearing. It's a good university but just not what she really wanted.

She does want to go to uni (she is clever and went to a high-achieving school) but has taken this set back badly. Not doing resits would mean applying next year with 3Bs - not bad, but not enough to get her into the sort of course and uni she would like, and also unlikely to impress admissions tutors who will be looking at students with the new A* A levels.

Any views on this welcome!

how does she club and shop with no money

its simple job = money

no job = no money

job or uni kid thems the choices

Tell her that, whatever her decision, she cannot stay at home next year. Either she goes to university or she does a gap year and goes somewhere (Paris or Rome or Madrid as an au pair?) and learns something new.

It never too late to study, may be she is not ready yet, so dont push her. at 18 she can make her own choices. I went to university well after I finished school, so what? I still got my degree and have good job that I love.

I agree that she'll need to decide what to do and doing nothing isn't an option but do you think she's just feeling a bit shell shocked and crap and first she needs you and the family to jolly her through and get her to see that being a couple of points off her predicted grades isn't the end of the world and you are still really proud of her? I think you should maybe focus on being really positive that she's passed her A levels and got in to uni all without being a perfectionist workaholic. Have you done champagne and celebrations and the proud parents thing? 3 Bs is a good result by many standards- good enough, anyway- but your posts sound pretty disappointed, tbh. That's not going to make her feel very good if she's already slightly disappointed in herself, especially if this is the first time she's not done as well as expected.

She's also almost certainly picking up on your (very natural, I'm sure!) desire to see her move onwards and upwards and out of the house, which may be making her perversely clingy- she probably wants you to be gutted and devastated at the thought of her leaving home! Possibly you need to emphasize how much you are going to miss her and how bittersweet it is to see her growing up and about to start living her own life as a beautiful, clever, lovely adult. I think knowing when to back off and accentuate the positive might be relevant here. This is a good time to help your daughter develop a resilient, not the end of the world attitude and recognise that being a well rounded person is not just about perfect academics, imo. Agree that a trip to the uni area could be a good plan too. Good luck.

I couldn't agree more with scummymummy. I can't believe you were disappointed with 3 B's at a-level, maybe the person who predicted higher grades got it wrong and this is the best she could do! Even if you think your dd is capable of higher grades intellectually, if she isn't mature enough, doesn't have the right attitude and isn't capable of buckling down and doing the work then she is not going to get higher. I also know that if I had felt my parents were disappointed with me getting 3 B's I would have felt mightily p'ssd off and hurt, let alone feeling that they couldn't wait to see the back of me!

We are not all cut out for university, (you would literally have had to drag me there), maybe she needs to have time to grow up a bit then she may realise how hard she would have to work doing more menial work before she will see the need to go to university to maintain her type of lifestyle without your help. Maybe her seemingly wanting to go to university is more to do with being with her friends, drinking etc. than the educational side of it!

Agree with helen and scummy.She may just be in shock and not ready for this.A gap year sounds a good idea she may realise what sh really wants to do and miss the routine of study and then be ready to go to uni.I think we have become a bit obsessed with everyone going to uni even if it is not for them.She is still very young and needs your support and advice.Obviously lying around doing nothing is not an option but neither is asking her to leave home at such a young age!

Scummymummy - we have congratulated DD on her 3Bs (school were more optmistic as she got AABB at AS)- and I was very positive about her getting into second choice uni etc. Pointed out it was a good uni, she'd done well to be accepted there (their offer was originally ABB, like first choice) and we were proud of her.

If i sound disappointed it's not because i have any hang-ups about where she goes ( she is the one with a heightened sense of good/less good unis) - but i am disappointed she hasn't got what she set her heart on.
We've celebrated with a shopping trip and bought some stuff that could be seen as uni clothing (subtle huh?) but the champagne had to wait as she was here and there after results on various trips.
I am not sure about the leaving home.I know she is anxious about making friends (she is not very confident socially), but we had honest chat recently about her leaving home and she knows it is time to go - she doesn't like the arguments we have any more than I do, and I can't see the dynamic changing. Fact is, if she was just a tiny bit easier to live with, I would be perhaps a bit more positive about a gap year plus retakes. But she's really challenging, gives DS a very hard time, we clash, and I ain't moving out!

Despite all this, she is my baby, and I would feel so mean forcing her to take a menial job and live in a grotty bedsit somewhere. I think it would be a disaster for tbh.

Custardo - she gets a monthly allowance for phone, clothes and socialising. She clubs perhaps once a fortnight, but takes a taxi home. When the money has gone she earns from domestic chores like car washing and ironing.
Also occasional babysitting jobs. Her friends all seem to have far more money than her, but they seem to have more generous parents, or they have part-time jobs .

She has just finished school she is far too young to be told 'it is time to go'She must be terrified deep down Why does she give her brother a hard time?How old is he?

dittany I thought it was just me!I feel sad reading this tbh.I am a softy but my ds is 15 and I could never wish him away like that

id knock the allowance on the head for a start

tell her uni or work no more allowance

my eldest 'needed to go' and move out

sometimes they just do no matter how much you love them, you know as a parent they are going to get much more out of life if they leave home and stop being lazy

yes she has - very at her a-levels however her mother said that if she took a gap year she would stay at home, not get a job and be lazy

that is what i am refering to

and hoping your child will go to uni instead of stay at home

or move out

isn't the same as absolving responsability for them

at all

jesus

I think she is absolving responsibility though bcause she has decided she wants her out whichever way you look at it.Some people are ready at 18 some aren't.I really don't know many who don't still need that support and guidance.But i understand we are all different but I think her daughter is being pushed out in favour of the ds

Thing is, whether olderandwider is being harsh or her daughter is a pain in the bum, the solution is the same. She has to choose between finding a job and going to university. Don't give her the option of lazing around at home. Or allow her to think she'll be able to claim there aren't any jobs she's interested in.

Btw, if she's not very confident socially, has she thought about how miserable it will be staying at home town while all her friends go off into the big wide world?

i think it's up to her. she is old enough to make the decision.

but you do need to make it clear that you won't be supporting her financially so she will need to get a job.

there is nothing wrong with having a gap year. and maybe she needs the time to have a proper think about it.
maybe this has just really thrown her and she now feels pressured to make a BIG decision immediately and she doesn't want to.;
having a year out gives her plenty of time to decide exactly what to dol

she could always defer entry to uni for a year and then figure out what to do. that way she still has that second cjoice there for next year but if she decides to do resits or whatever else she can and then app[ly to the first choice again

She is old enough to decide with support.Why can't she stay at home and do re takes and maybe work part time?It is obvious she is not ready.Are people really saying they wouldn't finacially or emotionally support their kids after 18 in order to help them make the best long term decision?

"we had honest chat recently about her leaving home and she knows it is time to go - she doesn't like the arguments we have any more than I do, and I can't see the dynamic changing. Fact is, if she was just a tiny bit easier to live with, I would be perhaps a bit more positive about a gap year plus retakes. But she's really challenging, gives DS a very hard time, we clash, and I ain't moving out!

Despite all this, she is my baby, and I would feel so mean forcing her to take a menial job and live in a grotty bedsit somewhere. I think it would be a disaster for tbh."

this could have been written about my eldest son

who is living in a one bedroomed flat with his gf and is making hhis own way in the world

this is after they were both staying at mine

i love him so very very much - but we did nothing but argue

so i asked him to leave

he comes back to visit and the last time i gave him a lift home becuase i practically emptied my freezer and larder.

and i gave him a pair of trainers

i know he loves me

he knows i love him

we know together under the same roof isn't a good thing.

he knows that if it all goes tits up - he is always welcome here.

each child is different

i don't think i will have that problem with the twins.

i completely understand where the op is coming from when she says that her daughter needs to go.

this doesn't mean that you absolve yourself of responsability and support

as Edam said the choice is clear - go to uni or get a job

quite frankly i think the op sounds v. lenient with the allowance

i dont think anyone would divorcce themselves emotionally or financially even if they did move out noddy

i think asking someone to move out

isn't the same thing from cutting them off from the family

you can move out

and recieve emotional and financial support

Custy, I knew we'd agree on this one!

Older, don't forget it might be even harder to get into university next year - there are all the disappointed students from this year who may well be trying again and given the state of the economy, the govt. are unlikely to fund enough extra places to take account of this.

She's actually fairly lucky that she has got a place this year, unlike thousands of others. And it will be tough getting a job in the current climate.

OK, going to university now isn't essential, but doing something constructive rather than mooning around at home missing all her friends is.

But she wants to do re takes to get her first choice! A lot of people do this and she didn't exactly laze around last year her grades were good and she could probably up them with more work.I think that is worth supporting.Custy i am sure if your ds had wanted to study more and get to uni you would have supported it.BTW where does the op suggest her dd lives with no job abd no money in a recession?