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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD had tongue pierced behind our back - help!

19 replies

Madmentalbint · 23/08/2009 00:23

I hardly recognise this girl any more

She's only just turned 16 and has been out today and pierced her tongue despite knowing full well we didn't want her to have it done. She is refusing to take it out and wont tell us where she had it done. She says she is old enough to do what she likes etc. Things have been difficult lately with her constantly pushing the boundaries (drinking, smoking, love bites etc.) and this has just another thing to add to the list. I feel like we have absolutely no authority any more because she certainly doesn't respect our thoughts/wishes. I know all teens push boundaries, I know I did, but I didn't have quite so much disregard for my parents as she does. She's supposed to be starting college soon but I think she's on the brink of chucking it all in. She's got in with a crowd that don't want much in life. Her bf is 18 and hasn't worked or been in college since leaving school and has no plans to do much else. The other friends in the group have similar attitudes and it seems to be rubbing off on her. I just don't know what we can do to keep her on track. I know in the scheme of things a tongue piercing isn't the end of the world, but I'm just so angry at her for being so sneaky and blatantly going against our wishes.

And to top it all DH has accused me of not caring and has stormed out. I just want to scream!

OP posts:

colditz · 23/08/2009 00:30

Tell her it suits her. Once it stops having desired effect (pissing you off) she'll realise it hurts and take it out - or maybe not, but it's only a piece of metal. She can take it out. It could be a tattoo!

Tortington · 23/08/2009 00:37

bit harsh from dh there. she does something and its your fault! you are both the parents i think you need to kick his arse.

yeah i agree - pick your arguments - tell her your dissapointed but whats done is done and you love her anyway. give her a hug apologise for the big row about it and tell her that you cant help it if you laugh at her funny talking.

tell her that obviously there will have to be a punishment but ask her what she thinks is fair. my teens usually go way overboard - then you can negotiate it and its all good.

the secret is to talk not shout and give her a love.

its a strange time where you want to kick their arses but you could lose them forever.

your not alone - my usually brilliant ( she still is for the most part) dd, i think...is in love with her ex best friends baby daddy.

i cant wait for college

Original poster

Madmentalbint · 23/08/2009 00:52

I know you're probably right and I feel a bit silly for going mad and shouting at her in front of her friend. DH has just totally flipped and he's saying that if she doesn't take it out then she's got to move out! Obviously a ridiculous over reaction and I'm hoping it's just fuelled by sleep deprivation. I'm sure he will have calmed down in the morning. It's just hard for him (and me) to accept that she's growing up and will do what she wants with or without our blessing.

I know what you mean about college. I'm hoping she'll make a new circle of friends and that she'll be really motivated by her course. It's something she's always wanted to do but she's lost interest lately so I'm hoping she'll be inspired again when she starts.

I don't want to go to bed now in case she sneaks out because of DH being so angry (he's back). I don't like this teenage stage much.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/08/2009 00:54

Your dh needs to get a fucking grip and stop treating his daughter like property.

sandcastles · 23/08/2009 01:04

You could always tell her they are dangerous! Ask her where she got it done as you need to make sure it was a reputable establishment & go in & bollock them & report them for peircing a minor without consent!

Failing that, make sure she keeps it clean & tells you straight away if something feels wrong/is ill.

Original poster

Madmentalbint · 23/08/2009 01:11

DH is a good dad and loves DD very much. I should have said, he didn't say anything to DD about moving out, just to me so I'm sure he's just ranting.

Thanks sandcastles. I've been googling and it seems they don't need a parents consent for a piercing. I will make sure she's not worried about coming to me if it starts to hurt etc. though. Good idea, thanks.

OP posts:

sandcastles · 23/08/2009 01:23

Really? I thought that they needed consent for any piercing...maybe 16 is the cut off!

limonchik · 23/08/2009 01:25

It's her body, she is 16, and it's not permanent. Ridiculous thing to have this much upset over.

limonchik · 23/08/2009 01:29

If it helps at all, my sister was very similar at 16 - started her A levels then left school, had a loser boyfriend, spent a year or so doing not very but drinking and partying and has the tattoo and piercings to show for it. My parents definitely started picking their battles carefully! Eventually she found her way again, went to college to do a national diploma and started uni aged 20. 5 years on she's a totally different girl.

Mumcentreplus · 23/08/2009 01:39

So giving a toss when your child multilates itself is ridiculous and 'treating her like property'..I suppose when she decides to tattoo her boyfriends name across her fore-head one should congratulate her and give her an extra tenner pocket money....I agree pick your battles carefully..but pretending everything is cool when it's not...

Tortington · 23/08/2009 01:41

i fail to see what headway would be made by all out war.

In my post i did refer to a mutually agreed punishment. I am a firm believer that its the way one goes about these things.

limonchik · 23/08/2009 01:42

A 16 year old isn't a child and a tongue piercing isn't a permanent mutilation. I wouldn't be congratulating but I wouldn't row over it either.

colditz · 23/08/2009 01:57

Reductio ad Absurdum, mcp

Mumcentreplus · 23/08/2009 02:20

nappyaddict · 23/08/2009 03:05

"At present, under common law, if the child is capable of understanding the nature and implications of the procedure, they are regarded as being of an age of consent."

Therefore you can't report the place that did it cos they haven't done anything wrong.

Original poster

Madmentalbint · 23/08/2009 07:44

I wasn't going to report them. I know she didn't need my consent, I wanted to know where she had it done so I could check it was somewhere safe and clean, and that it wasn't a DIY job by one of her friends which is how she got her second ear piercing. I looked up the law regarding piercings because I thought she would need my consent which would have made a DIY job more likely, in which case I'd want the piercing checked out by a HCP.

I don't think it's a ridiculous thing to be upset about. It's not really just about the piercing. It's the fact that she constantly goes against our wishes and obviously has no respect for us as her parents. It started as skipping school and underage sex. Then drinking and smoking and running away when she wasn't allowed to stay out all night with her bf at age 15. She is only just 16 and isn't yet quite an adult in my opinion, although I know she's not quite a child either. We are just trying to keep her safe.

I do agree about picking the battles custardo, and I certainly don't want to drive her away.

DH is still being a complete dick.

OP posts:

Original poster

Madmentalbint · 23/08/2009 07:47

That wasn't meant to sound grumpy nappyaddict. My brain is mashed this morning. Sorry

OP posts:

GrinnyPig · 23/08/2009 10:02

I don't think it's a ridiculous thing to be upset about either. It's another act of rebellion which she knows is going to upset you. Limonchick's example of her sister is fine but the problem is that for many once they have gone off the rails as a teenager by the time they come to their senses they don't go on to college/university and take a dead end job and the drifting aimlessly through life begins. To some extent this happened to me and I do regret not making the most of my opportunities. I am trying very hard not to be the pushy parent with my DDs but I do try to explain carefully the consequences of their actions.

I don't know what the solution is although I like Custy's idea of the "well, how do you think we should punish you" approach.

If I were you my priority would be to sit down with your DH and agree on a united front. You can't really tackle your DD until you have IMO.

ADifferentMe · 23/08/2009 21:17

My friend's DD, also just 16, did the same recently. Parents were also (understandably, IMHO, livid) but decided to just ignore it. She took it out within a month because she found it uncomfortable

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