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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I am feeling really disappointed with DD, she is literally just 15 and has come home drunk!

81 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/05/2009 23:11

She asked if she could go to this party, I was apprehensive, but so far she has been a pretty good kid. She is my eldest of 3DDs. It was at the local rowing club, they all go there on a Friday/Saturday evening every week. So far no problems, until tonight. We have only let her go to this place for the last few weeks because she has a young man in her life and that is where he hung out!

I could tell as soon as she came in. She wasn't speaking right, so I asked her out right, first she said no, then she said ok I had one, I told her I didn't believe her and then she admitted to having 3 WKD. I feel she has had a lot more, honestly she can't walk in a straight line. I have sent her to bed with a large glass of water, told her we will talk in the morning.

She tried to fob me off by telling me she knows she has been stupid etc.... I told her it won't wash.

Any wise words to offer would be gratefully received, obviously don't want to be heavy handed but on the other hand I am bloody fuming.

Thanks

OP posts:
Slickbird · 23/05/2009 23:54

Yeah, but I guess that by hanging out with him, she's hanging out with his (older) mates and therefor, the pressure's there?

mumeeee · 24/05/2009 00:02

Coming home drunk at 15 is not ok. Yes a lot of teenagers do this but not all of them. My 19 year old drinks now and she has come home drunk but not before she was 18 and my 17 year old has not ever come home drunk. ShSaying that WKD's are very strong and she might have only had 3.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 24/05/2009 00:08

HerBeatitudeLittleBella, although I did go out a drink a bit, compared to how DD was tonight was very little in comparison! honest! I was more into going to the local night club with the people I walked with, obviously older people and really didn't drink that much as I had parents drinking heavily at home which really put me off big time.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 24/05/2009 00:08

Say you feel let down and disappointed.It is v effective.Its not the end of the world though At least she is home and safe at a reasonable time and you can be the martyr tomorrow and insist she calls you if it ever happens again

sandcastles · 24/05/2009 00:57

WTF? It's normal to be drunk at 15 to the point where you cannot walk straight or speak properly!

Really?

skramble · 24/05/2009 01:04

You are right to be fuming, she is just 15 she shouldn't be getting drunk, and even at 18+ she realy has to look after herself more.

You need to be heavey handed enough to show her it is not right and that you care enough to be concerned, but that you love her whatever and want to help her deal with situations where alcohol might be offered and support her growing up to be responsible and understand why she has to look afterherself and the dangers she can put herself in when she is drunk, hangovers will be the least of ther worries.

mamadiva · 24/05/2009 01:08

I got drunk for the first time at 15, I am a clumsy cow at the best of times managed to walk into the sitting room knowck over a 5 tier DVD shelf (full), fall off the couch and decided to make a big cheese sandwich and shove the cheese in the freezer!

My dad was hung about the cheese but fine about the rest (strange I know), my mum was fizzing but just spoke to me in the morning, I went off to my bed and was woken at 6am by my mum handing me the hoover and toilet brush and yes sore head!!!

It did work though I have to say never did it again, unless was staying at a friends of course

If it helps my mum sat me down and told me that whilst maybe one or 2 is acceptable at my age she would and should be able to trust me to judge when enough is enough and not to go by what others are doing and that next time I was drinking with my friends I should take a good hard look at how quickly their behaviour changes and how stupid they look doing it. Needless to say that did make me watch what I was doing limit wise eve now I watch it because I can remember watching my friend's go from pretty, intelligent girls to smeared make up dumb tarts after a litre of cider !!!

VictorianSqualor · 24/05/2009 01:18

Can I just say wrt 3 WKDs, if she has NEVER drank alcohol before and is not very good with it it's perfectly possible that she did get into this state on just 3 wkds. It's perfectly possible she is not lying to you.

When I was about 18 one of our friends would get completely sloshed on 2 bottles of bud, every time, and she drank like a fish, so please, don't accuse of her of being a liar.

Tell her you're disappointed, explain you were trusting her with having an older bf but worried this would happen, he could be your saving grace if she thinks you're going to blame it on him and then stop the relationship she may think twice next time.

But PLEASE talk to her like an adult, because although we think she is a child, she no longer believes this and anything else will just get her back up.

Lastly, no getting drunk at 15 isn't 'ok' but it is pretty normal.

Tortington · 24/05/2009 01:21

its one of those things teenagers do. that's not to say its right, but rather than a big row - your dissapointment will be enough. i really wouldn't over play it

sandcastles · 24/05/2009 01:31

While you are talking to her, maybe you can stipulate the importance of not taking a drink off someone she doesn't know, or making sure she doesn't leave her drink where she cannot see it!

sandcastles · 24/05/2009 01:35

If she doesn't understand why you are so mad, show her this...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/761179-anyone-online-am-sobbing-DD1-wnet-to-pics-with-f riends

sandcastles · 24/05/2009 01:36

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/761179-anyone-online-am-sobbing-DD1-wnet-to-pics-with-friends

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 24/05/2009 01:52

It won't hurt to emphasize that she's been lucky this time to get away with nothing more than a hangover: drunk teens often get into unpleasant and dangerous situations. However, you've also got to take on board the fact that she's not quite a small child any more, and that she's entitled to make a mistake or two ie getting pissed is not 'bad' behaviour on the level of stealing or bullying. Gagarin's post was very good.

stuffitlllama · 24/05/2009 06:02

I like the way mamadiva's mum handled it, sort of giving "ownership" of the issue to the teenager while making clear parental concern and values.

Astrophe · 24/05/2009 06:12

I think there is some good advice here about keeping discussions respectful, making sure DD is educated, not alienating DD etc etc...

BUT I don't think the "It's bad but they all do it so chill out" type attitude is at all helpful, and I don't think it does our kids a service to accept their foolish/selfish behaviour just because it's 'normal'.

FWIW, I do know young teens who drink and are foolish, but I also know teens who are sensible, and who don't come home pissed at 15, or even at 17 or 18...so I wouldn't say its to be 'expected' of a 15 year old.

sarah293 · 24/05/2009 07:17

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MaureenMLove · 24/05/2009 07:36

Gosh, two threads about teenage drinkers whilst I've been sleeping.

It's a terrible culture we sadly live in these days. I'm not at the stage when DD goes anywhere without me, where there is alcohol, so I'm not going to judge. It's not my place.

However, I do think, that actively buying alcohol for minors is really not on. I spent Friday night, looking at pictures on Facebook, of some of our Yr11 students that left this week. I was really at how many of them were clearly drunk. All holding alcopops or cans of beer and some in a restaurant, clearly drinking wine!

So, how do you stop it happening? I'm just not sure. DD is almost 14 and she's had alcohol at home. She sometimes has a wine and water mix if we've got visitors for lunch or a lager shandy at a BBQ. Thankfully, she finds the alcopops far too sugary. (I know this, because her friends parents let them drink it and she's tried it)

There but for the grace of god, is all I can say, I think. We can guide, but ultimately, they have to find their own way. You can't keep them locked up until they are 18.

Hope you can reach an understanding today MNLS.

sarah293 · 24/05/2009 07:40

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piscesmoon · 24/05/2009 08:16

I agree Riven. I think that in the aftermath gagarin's approach is best, but the aim is that she doesn't do it again. I can't believe the number of parents who will buy alcohol for underage teens. Those that are sweet to disguise the taste are the worst.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 24/05/2009 08:26

I had the ambulance called for me when i was 14 after downing half a bottle of neat Vodka whilst i was out, my dad came to pick me up at schgeduled time to find me dumped in a gutter unable to talk/walk, i still can't remeber it to this day I have never been drunk since, it was a peer pressure thing me trying to look good in front of my mates

ANyway on another note, she is a teenager and is bound to experiment with things like this.
Have a chat tell her about keeping herself safe and say that your a little dissapointed about how drunk she was. Don't come down on her to hard.

TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 24/05/2009 08:38

I second gagarin
fantastic post

either you tye her to the house forever or you talk to her openly about it, teach her how to keep safe
aswell as telling her your not happy about it at this young age

ilovemydogandMrObama · 24/05/2009 08:42

I drank quite a bit at a cousin's wedding when I was about 15. Threw up everywhere

The worst thing was that no one said anything the next morning

Nighbynight · 24/05/2009 09:01

I got drunk on a couple of occasions when younger, completely by accident, and because I didnt realise how strong the drinks were.

Surely it's very likely that your dd did the same. I was scared and ashamed - do you think she will be too?

Alcopops are horrible things, and make it far harder to judge how much alcohol you've had, especially for a 15 year old novice drinker.

I would go for the shock approach, and definitley ask her if she needs the morning after pill!

This thread and others make me think that I should "train" my children with alcopops at home, before they encounter them for the first time in the wild!
We tend to drink grown up things like wine at home, but that's not what they will come across at parties.

bubblagirl · 24/05/2009 09:05

to be honest at this age teenagers tend to want to impress people

i think there should be a consequence but one thats not overly harsh but to let her know the dangers of drinking what could and can happen

i used to drink when i was this age socially did get drunk few times parents tried to stop me but knew id go out and do it behind there backs anyway so gave me the talk of the dangers told me how much they dont want me to drink etc

but made me also feel comfortable enough to be able to tell them the truth even though i knew they'd be slightly upset trey never over reacted as they were young once and knew that id go out and carry on doing it anyway and they would rather id confided so they knew where id be who with etc they knew i was safe rather than in some park somewhere

they never agreed with it were never happy but they also made me drink sensibly as i knew they'd be upset but i also knew they were trusting me i wasnt having to hide and throw them down my neck making myself sick

i dont agree that youngsters should drink at all but they will and they will go out stay round a freinds have few drinks and parent s would be none the wiser being able to communicate whether you agree with there actions or not will surely keep them safer in the long run as they will be able to confide in you if something has or nearly did happen instead of hiding it

i regret drinking at that age but also i learnt how to drink sensibly and i was able to talk to my parents and be honest i could tell them where i was going who with and what our plans were they felt happier in the long run as they knew where i was and what i was doing and i was always sensible but most of all they knew i was safe

Remotew · 24/05/2009 13:47

I don't think it's illegal to let teens have a couple of drinks in adult company. They can have wine with a meal in a restaurant as long as they are accompanied by someone responsible.

It turned out that there was 10 of them came back to the house, she asked if three boys were allowed to watch a film. There was 12 btls of wdk between 10.

It all boils down to cutting them a little bit of slack and trust. They are all nice, well adjusted kids. Would hate to think of the rebellion against the strictest parents. Sadly if seen the consequences amongst some of her peers.