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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I am feeling really disappointed with DD, she is literally just 15 and has come home drunk!

81 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/05/2009 23:11

She asked if she could go to this party, I was apprehensive, but so far she has been a pretty good kid. She is my eldest of 3DDs. It was at the local rowing club, they all go there on a Friday/Saturday evening every week. So far no problems, until tonight. We have only let her go to this place for the last few weeks because she has a young man in her life and that is where he hung out!

I could tell as soon as she came in. She wasn't speaking right, so I asked her out right, first she said no, then she said ok I had one, I told her I didn't believe her and then she admitted to having 3 WKD. I feel she has had a lot more, honestly she can't walk in a straight line. I have sent her to bed with a large glass of water, told her we will talk in the morning.

She tried to fob me off by telling me she knows she has been stupid etc.... I told her it won't wash.

Any wise words to offer would be gratefully received, obviously don't want to be heavy handed but on the other hand I am bloody fuming.

Thanks

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 23/05/2009 23:33

I agree, lisad123, but just saying don't get too upset in yourself IYSWIM. Stern talk tomorrow, some sanctions, but leave the way open for what is a reasonable way to behave at a party...involve her in a proper discussion she contributes too if possible, and keep the communication and respect going.

gagarin · 23/05/2009 23:33

How old were you when you had your first "vodka incident" (or something similar)?

I suppose looking at it positively she is not puking in a gutter, she came home in good time and did not disappear into the night and she sounds as though she's tried to apologise but you have rejected her apology.

Learning how to drink in social situations is a skill. Once she was tipsy her judgement probably disappeared and she downed more than was wise.

Tomorrow ask tell her in your opinion she was properly drunk. Tell her you think that was very foolish as many yopuing people make unwise sexual choices when drunk.

Ask her if she needs to get the morning after pill (sorry - but it's worht mentioning...). Hopefully she'll be shocked by your calm and clinical approach.

Sit her down and give her the alcohol information talk - have you told her how to drink vodka for example? Does she know you put half an inch int he bottom of a glass and add diet coke? Does she know you don't drink it neat from the bottle like beer? Does she understand percentage proof? Can she spot that if someone hands her a half pint glass of vodka they are up to no good?
Have you explained the one alcoholic drink/one mixer way to get through the evening.

Tell her you understand that alcohol makes social situations easier BUT that she is too young and vulnerable to be drinking like she was last night. And the people who rely on alcohol to make themselves the life and soul of the party probably have self esteem issues.

Talk to her about what she chose to do once she felt she was getting drunk - did she carry on drinking on purpose? Were other people getting her drunk? Was everyone as drunk as she was? Does she have the confidnece to sat no to alcohol? If not how can you help her think up a strategy to limit her alcohol intake - like telliong people that spirits make her vomit (for example) may well take the peer pressure off.

And try and be pleased that this first (possibly!) overdose of alcohol happened when you were around to sort her out when she got home.

Be reasonable. Don't be horrid. Talk to her about your alcohol experiences - what you did you regret. Your lucky escapes.

Keep the conversation and communication going - so NEXT time she goes out you can say "don't get drunk" ; "no spirits"; don't get in a car with anyone who has been driving" etc etc and be listened to.

IMO if you lash out and go for the "grounded for life" approach any future parties/drinking experiments will still happen but they will be hidden from you and she may not discuss important things wit you on another occasion.

Good luck for the morning!

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/05/2009 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/05/2009 23:36

I am not saying she bedded the rowing club, what I am saying is she could hardly talk to me, she couldn't walk in a straight line, when I spoke to her she lay on the sofa.

I do believe she drank more than 3WKD

Whats worse is that this place actually has a license, they could lose it all because some stupid person (who actually wasn't even 18 {not DD young man!] ) was buying alcohol to a 15yr old.

OP posts:

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/05/2009 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 23/05/2009 23:37

Gagarin obv knows her onions...btw I think the word in your op "disappointed" is the most powerful weapon in a mother's arsenal

AitchTwoOh · 23/05/2009 23:37

far too harsh, imo. and like mp i'd want her to know that if she gets pissed again you want to be the one who picks her up.

can't you just talk to her tomorrow, do the disappointed thing, say that your mum wasn't bothered but you are, ask her to come up with a reasonable punishment. also, tell her to Be A Coward in future. if her pals are drinking, tell her to pretend if she's not happy doing it. iyswim? best advice my parents ever gave me, if you're not into it, fake it.

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/05/2009 23:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gagarin · 23/05/2009 23:38

Have lived through the vodka incidents..sigh...

AitchTwoOh · 23/05/2009 23:38

yy to gagarin's post and lol at fake drinking xpost.

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/05/2009 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monty100 · 23/05/2009 23:40

I wouldn't be too happy about it. But its not a crime either. They do have to learn. Hopefully she'll be wiser in the morning.

Abouteve, but finishing off the dregs of your bottle of wine is hardly the same as coming home drunk. Lol.

hobbgoblin · 23/05/2009 23:42

I've no idea how I'd react to this if it were my DD (9) did this at 15, or my DSs (too young to even think about it at 7 and 5 just now!).

I know I drank Diamond White until quite drunk at about 16 but was always with a safe, known group of friends and we were otherwise very sensible.

I think my approach to drinking is going to be that which I apply to myself as an adult and that is that moderation is good and enjoyable along with getting tipsy. Getting shit faced is bad, always regrettable and best avoided. As an adult, the hangover is the best punishment and reminder of this. You don't have to be young or air headed to put yourself at risk if you become totally drunk so the only issue with age I'd have is the fact that it is illegal (as it was presumably bought and consumed in a public place) and as an adult I think the legalities have to be upheld to the point where they are at least discussed - whether or not we agree with the law in this country.

I guess I'd be having a discussion about it and asking her her pov. this seems to be the most mutually respectful way forward. It would give you the opportunity to challenge her views and also to add sanctions for future law breaking, house rule flouting actions. I'm guessing the rules had not been set out as you had not anticipated this happening yet?

lottiebunny · 23/05/2009 23:43

I wouldn't make too much fuss. Let her know that you are disappointed and that you don't want her to do it in future. Accept any apology she has to give.

And make sure you sing loudly while hoovering outside her room in the morning
Hangover is more than enough punishment.

Remotew · 23/05/2009 23:45

Monty I was the one supplying the 2 wkd's. There is never any dregs left in my wine bottle. lol

I think OP is correct in assuming that her DD drank more that 3 wkd's to be drunk. I would also be concerned that enough drink was sneaked to her to get her drunk at a place that should be more vigilant.

Remotew · 23/05/2009 23:45

Monty I was the one supplying the 2 wkd's. There is never any dregs left in my wine bottle. lol

brimfull · 23/05/2009 23:45

gagarin's post is spot on

Remotew · 23/05/2009 23:45

opps!

Original poster

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/05/2009 23:46

Luckily DD knows how crap my parents were to me(still are) esp my mother.

DD and I are normally great at talking - may be thats why it hurts so much. Its only recently that she has wanted to go out in the evening.

I will mention what Gagarin said. Think it will shock her.

She has on the odd occasion been mouthy etc, best punishment for her was to remove mobile phone or computer for a week and that always brought her down to earth.

Will talk with her tomorrow and see what she thinks.

OP posts:

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 23/05/2009 23:46

my dd is 14.8 and i would be gutted

yes it is a biggy!

i feel for you but just talk it through and ground her for a while

my eldest is 16 and if he has been drunk we have not had to know about it....i intend to keep it that way!

Slickbird · 23/05/2009 23:50

They should feckin' ban alco-pops - they're a disgrace. Kids being able to drink alcohol that tastes of juice. Christ and people wonder why we've got problems with our kids.

OP I feel for you and hope it's a one-off for her. For a couple of years at least. Maybe this boyfriend is just too old for her?

piscesmoon · 23/05/2009 23:51

I think that gagarin has the best approach. I wouldn't decide on anything in advance, she may feel dreadful in the morning and be full of remorse. I would have a calm talk about the dangers that you can get into when drunk and why you are worried. If you treat her in an adult way you may get a much more responsible response. If you treat her like a child, verbally attack her without discussion and put punishments in place it could well be counter productive. The problem is that drinks she had are so sweet she probably didn't realise the effect until too late-in future she will know.

supersalstrawberry · 23/05/2009 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/05/2009 23:52

Slick, she told me it wasn't her BF but his mate I do want to believe her!

OP posts:

Monty100 · 23/05/2009 23:52

OP - Loud music and hoovering in the morning a good idea. And then have a talk about it.

I have said to my DD that she ought to be careful about alcohol because her liver isn't even developed yet let alone open to abuse. (She's quite girlie, almost 16).

That's it! I've turned into my mother

Abouteve, soz forgot about the WKDs. But I've done that, maybe one on her birthday and such. Have done the wine at special dinners etc, but thankfully she leaves it all for me doesn't particularly like wine.

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