slightly withdrawn daughter, 17

[donkeyderby]

I don't know whether how much to worry. My 17 year old daughter goes out infrequently, has not invited a friend around for 3 years after years of sleepovers and socialising and she has finally admitted - it was like getting blood out of a stone - that she gets panic attacks when she is faced with groups of 'confident teenagers'. She describes herself as 'socially inept'.
Having said all that, when she DOES go out, she has a group of friends to go with and parties to go to where she doesn't over-do it (usually), but seems to enjoy herself enough. She is always the first to leave though and never sleeps over.
Her middle brother has severe learning disabilities which I know can be mortifyingly embarrassing for teenagers, but we get regular respite, so every other weekend she is brother-free. Still no friends are invited and she swears this is not what it is about.
She generally seems happy enough apart from an obvious lack of confidence. She is way too into her computer I have to add. She cares about her appearance and the panic attacks don't seem to affect her ability to spend money on clothes and books.
Should I worry? Any other parents dealing with a hermit daughter?

I have a 19 year old who has just started going out with his friends. I think he spent most of the past 5 years in his bedroom on his computer but that is just the way he is. He has just passed his driving test and has a car but what he really needs is a girl friend but he is really shy and quiet. I know the time will come but it is hard just standing by. We can't live their live for them. She will find her feet eventually.

Your daughter sounds a bit like me (I'm 15) :/

If she seems happy enough how she is at home or going out occasionally don't push it further because chances are when she is ready to go out more often/have friends back home etc. she will.
Does she have a boyfriend?
If not and she does have one in the future it will hopefully make the world of difference because it will give her confidence to know that someone who isn't family does appreciate her and likes her the way she is - not the other 'confident teenagers'.

Hope I have helped.

Thank you two for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate someone understanding that not all teenagers are out of an episode of 'Skins'. There was a time when I worried that she was depressed and unreachable, but I am - mostly - calmer now. Like you both say, wait til she's ready. At least she seems to appreciate home and our company, which is a real bonus since I thought my parents were hopelessly uncool.

I would not worry too much. At least she is at home and not out every night or hanging around on street corners. I would rather my daughter be at home and communicating on the computer with her friends. I was a very shy unconfident teenager myself.

Not all teenagers ARE out of an episode of 'skins'!!!! I think some teens are under intense pressure to conform to stereotypical 'teen' behaviour and I feel sorry for them.

I don't think she is socially inept, I think she is probably more mature than her contemporaries.

I would be glad she is happy to be at home at the moment. She will prob come into her own when at university or whatever.

agre - she will come into her own at uni.
however if you think its an unusual amount of time she is spending on the computer - ban it.

there was a time when i removed my daughter from the computer and told her to go our with some real friends.

sometimes puter is simply easier.

I'm a little like your DD (I'm 19). I have one very close group of friends, and although I do have friends at uni, I don't go out at night, partly due to sight problems and partly due to just not likking nightclubs etc. I go out a lot during holidays but my first semester at uni, I've had practically no social life, but then I do do a demanding course and live at home. She'll come into her own eventually.

I have a hermit 18 year old DD. If it wasn't for the fact she has a steady boyfriend I swear she'd seldom go out (and she'd always be first home, she has an abject fear of drunks and drunkedness). Her BF is very similar to her, they spend almost all of their time at our house or his house.

Having said all that DD is happy and confident in her own skin. She just doesn't feel the need to be out lots. She has a few close female friends who she often spends hours gabbing to via text, phone or MSN.

Your DD sounds much like mine.

sounds like her confidence need a boost if she's getting panic attacks when in groups.
Has she a hobby or interest that would take her away from the computer?
Have you seen her having a panic attack?

I think it is right to say that many teenagers are essentially shy and this does not mean she will be a retiring adult. However, if she is having panic attacks she needs to address it - with your help of course, as it can be very restricting. A close friend of mine had them throughout uni and it affected her ability to sit through exams, go to the cinema etc. She finally got it sorted with a good yoga teacher who taught her all sorts of calming breathing to help her get heart rate and breathing back under control. This feeling that she could manage attacks then meant she was less likely to have them and things got better and better. I imagine therapies which teach trigger points and coping strategies would help. May be another conversation about the panic attacks and then look into what she can do about it?

Thanks for all your comments and really nice to hear from teens with their own experiences. I'm finding it very helpful. I agree with bagsforlife about the pressure to conform to the widespread image of teens as vodka- swilling party animals. I sometimes think that makes quieter teens feel that they are abnormal because they don't conform to this stereotype. She certainly has some level of maturity, possibly because she has grown up with a very disabled brother, but that can also make you feel set apart from your peers.

She hasn't mentioned the panic attacks for a while but we have discussed it before and I've given her information about how to deal with them including breathing techniques. I tried to get Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through CAMHS but they refused as she wasn't deemed a serious case. I am still considering trying to pay for it privately but we're not rolling in money. I also used to suffer from panic attacks as a teenager for no obvious reason, (though I don't now), and perhaps it is in her genes. I am planning to do a few more things with her in the new year, like swimming and yoga (she doesn't know this yet!), but it's been hard over the years to spend enough quality time with her when I am caring for her disabled brother.

I know some will think I'm worrying uneccessarily because at least she is not going out all night and taking drugs, but there was a time when I had a deep, nagging fear that she was suicidal when she was at her most morose and uncommunicative and avoiding calls from her friends. Now, thankfully, I'm less worried, just concerned.

The computer...we do ration it but what age do you give up controlling their use?

My DD is much younger than yours 14 but she stays at home most of the time, she doesn't bother with the puter much but reads and watches TV a lot. Most of her friends seem to be embracing the full teenage life i.e out all the time, boyfriends etc and I worry a bit. I'm thinking she will change in a few years but will try not to worry anymore if not.

She says she doesn't fit in with the confident teenagers and avoids gatherings and parties. It is hard to watch sometimes but at least I know where she is and that she's safe.

donkerby- you sound like a fab mum.

I have a 17 yr old dd as well and it is hard to know what's going on in their heads sometimes isn't it.It must've been really awful for you when you were worried about her being suicidal.Glad that she seems to have lifted in mood now.

Maybe there is some connection with the way you felt as a teen,did everything just resolve itself as you grew up?

As for the computer it's hard to control it,all we have done is put the computer in the living area and not in her bedroom as it's easier to monitor and she has to take her turn using it.She used to have her own in her bedroom but we took it out a few yrs ago when it broke and never put it back ,mainly because we never saw her when it was up there.

Donkerby - dont knock yourself out with worry your daughter sounds like a normal but not madly sociable young lady.
My son (20) has been like that since about 15yrs and he is now at Uni. He has changed but not that much, he is now in his 3rd year and never talked about dropping out so I supposed he has grown up a bit by standing on his own 2 feet but underneath he is still the same shy and quiet young man. He doesnt like clubbing mainly because he is not a great drinker ( thank god) and if you are out with a group of mates who are all smashed it can be a bit boring. So perhaps it is best to accept that your daughter is as she is and look at all the positive side of her personality.

one reads and hears so many stories of out of control teens and I think that is a lot harder to handle.

I wouldn't worry about it, they all take their own time. I hated my teen years, for much the same reason as your daughter. Going away from home at 18 did me a lot of good and I met some very good friends-who are still friends today. I didn't feel comfortable in groups until I was in my 20's.
My DS was a very sociable, bubbly child and when he got to about 14/15 it was like a light going out, he is now 17 and there are signs that we might get the sociable, bubbly person back one day. He has a circle of friends and does go out but he spends a lot of time in, on his own at home. I always encourage him but I don't make a big thing of it-I think home is one place that he should feel relaxed and not under pressure.
His older brother was the same until he was 17 and then he got a girlfriend and we hardly see him! (his girlfriend is very sociable and confident and it has done him the world of good).

My DD1 has always been shy and not interested in going out to parties/drinking/boyfriends. She has stayed at home a lot and spent a lot of time on the computer. She gradually started finding a few friends that shared her interests (Anime/SF/Fantasy) when she was in 6th form and actually started going out and meeting friends to see films at the ICA etc.
Now she is away at uni she has found a group of friends who share her interests, and seems happy. She still doesn't like going out to large parties or drinking (good) but goes to special events eg Christmas dances - so I think she is growing up happy in her own way.

It's very comforting to hear more about teenagers like my daughter. I now think she is essentially more-or-less content living as she does, and it is right that I need to focus on the positives, of which there are many. It is sometimes other people who remind me what a nice young woman she is. I think a mother's worry can pile on the negatives. Seimum, my daugher always liked anime and stuff like that. She has now gone on to be interested in politics, and loves debating on the internet, (never face-to-face!) She says her friends only want to talk about shoes and clothes, so she can't discuss her interests with them. I guess she has always been a borderline geek, which I realise is a bit of a crime among some other teenagers, but the geeks often get the last laugh don't they, (e.g. Bill Gates)!

Donkeyderby-You wrote last year about your daughter, I was wondering how she is now, I have a similar situ with my, just 17 year old and worry so much about her, I am prob getting much more upset about it than she! She looks v young for her age about 15 maybe? she is a very pretty girl, petite, has no particular hang ups about herself just a general lack of confidence and a dislike of large social groups where she says she feels inadequate and uncomfortable,she does have a group of about 7 friends who she sees at school and occasionally outside, she is at the cinema this evening with 4 of them! I think though that this is more to shut me up than anything...wondered anyway how things are with your D?

shineon ... she's not 15 now - that was posted 2 years ago

15yearsyoung posted just over a year ago not two which was appreciated by the OP at the time. Perhaps the teen in question could have been looking for reassurance that there are other teens like her. Don't really see a problem with it and yes I did see the thread about kids on here.

Lutay, I could have written your post about my 15 year old DD. Her teens so far have been spent mainly indoors every night or doing things with me and wider family. I cannot believe that she will be 16 in a few months time and just hasn't done any of the usual teen stuff yet. In some ways it is because she is mature, I think, and doesn't get on with many of her peers atm. I have worried about her but in a way I'm quite pleased that she is an individual who hasn't succombed to conform. The only place she goes is to the cinema. No boyfriend on the horizon either.

I hope that these girls find their footing in later teens. Hopefully once they are legally allowed to go into a nice bar.