I really need your help please re 13 year olds

BecauseImWorthIt · 30/11/2008 17:20

Well, I have a 13 year old boy, so not sure if I can really help, but here goes:

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night? DS2 goes to bed at 9.30 on a school night.

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back? DS2 went to his friend's yesterday at about 3.30 and will be back this evening at 6.30.

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy! No idea, but I would be a bit alarmed!

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident) No. Although I know he does with his friends and when online/on MSN. We're fairly relaxed about swearing, but I've always said to both of mine that swearing is something that many people will be offended by, and therefore that it is not to be used publicly. PILs would die if they heard either of my DCs swear, even if they were to use phrases like 'oh my God' or 'Jesus wept'.

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores? He gets £5 per week (although I'm useless at remembering!). He doesn't do any chores. Occasionally he helps me cook the dinner.

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at? He has his own computer and I don't even try and look at it. I think I would probably be horrified by what I saw! He uses it mainly for online games (fairly trivial stuff from what I have seen), MSN and facebook. And as I'm on facebook I can keep an eye on what he's doing to some degree.

Hope this is of some use!

janeite · 30/11/2008 17:23

13 year old dd -

Bedtime on a school night is somewhere between 9 and 9.30pm - sometimes reads until 9.45ish.

Sleepover - would probably get there at about 6.00 and leave at about 10.00 the following morning.

Texts from 17 yr old boy - totally inappropriate; dd would lose her phone if this was happening.

Swearing - no

Pocket money - £30 a month allowance to be used to buy all non-necessities.

Chores - bedroom kept tidy / help washing up (no dishwasher) several nights a week, putting shopping away, bit of ironing etc.

Own computer - god, no.

ChristmasFairyRantALot · 30/11/2008 17:26

Hm, I have a 12 year old boy....but I suppose some of the things I could answer anyway

My son goes to bed at 9pm, at the latest 9.30 when it is school night...

Sleepover....oh depends where he sleeps over,etc...sometimes he may leave around midday Saturday and not come back till the following evening...depends on homework, etc...

Those texts are not appropriate, imo..

sometimes he will swear, but generally if he swears it is mild swearing....he still gets told off, of course....especially as his younger brothers tend to copy him.

Pocketmoney....my ds has to erform chores if he wants pocketmoney....he tends to forget his chores, so, he tends to go without weekley pocketmoney....however, he does get the opportunity to earn money by doing odd jobs I may need done...Pocketmoney is meant to be £5 per week...like I said he hardly ever does his chores though, so, hardly ever gets it...

PC...my ds is in the process of getting our old PC as his own and being connected to the Internet....but this is on the premise that we can check it any time, etc...

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:27

Thanks BIWI.
Is you DS sensible? by this I mean when he goes are you confident that he wont be doing anything that you would find unacceptable. I know this is a difficult one but DD managed to get into a slanging match/fight in the library last week.

People I hardly know pass comments on them seeing DD at where-ever they were and it usually followed by "gosh she is handful", "rather you than me" or I was once asked "is she on medication?"

OP posts:

ChristmasFairyRantALot · 30/11/2008 17:29

oh ds's daily chores theoretically is to hoover the downstairs after school and to keep his room in a reasonable state....

amerryscot · 30/11/2008 17:29

I don't think a teenager should have their mobile phone in their room overnight.

If you listen to stories of cyber bullying, one of the most effective times is overnight. It can be so much worse than face-to-face bullying as teh child can't escape if they are a slave to their mobile.

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:31

Thanks Janeite and ChristmasFairyRantALot, sorry was slow in typing as DD came in to tell me that she hates me and wants me to phone SS She was deadly serious too Apparently if she has to live with us she will slit her wrists (a current phase with girls at her school!)

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 30/11/2008 17:32

Goodness Mrs Weasley!

I think I would be a bit concerned if people made comments like that to be honest.

I think DS is sensible, but who can say? He has been wondering around in Wimbledon with his friends all afternoon today, but I have no idea what they've actually been up to or where he's been - I just trust him to behave. But going out like this is a relatively new thing for him, and I suspect it's different for girls - I think they do the shopping thing much sooner than boys.

Is her behaviour something recent or have you always had worries?

RustyBear · 30/11/2008 17:32

My memory may be letting me down on some of this, as its over 5 years since DD was 13, but I think she went to bed around 10 on school nights,but she didn't have to get up very early as we lived close to school.at a sleepoevr, I would always leave it up to the parents where the were sleeping - up to them how long they had her for!

No, the text isn't appropriate, but tbh it's not unusual - but I would have asked where the number came from, what she knew about the boy & would have made it very clear that she was not to meet anyone she'd been texting like that.

I really can't remember how much pocket money & the amount would be out of date by now, but yes she did chores - emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, tidying her room (in theory)etc

No, she didn't have her own computer - she & DS shared the one in the playroom, but I made a point of coming in from time to time to see who she was chatting to & she knew that I could see the logs of her MSN posts if I wanted to (I rarely did - they were very boring!) & that if she'd deleted them, I would ban her from MSN

One thing I never did was to read her diary - that was private.

Do not believe the 'everybody does it' line - it just means 'everybody is telling their mum everybody does it'

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:34

thanks a amerryscot: she isnt supposed to have it upstairs but she defied me on that one too. When she was going to bed I asked where the phone was, she said it was on charge. When I went into the kitchen to turn it off I saw it wasnt there and found her pretending to be asleep with it under the duvet

OP posts:

bagsforlife · 30/11/2008 17:34

13 yr old DS

Bedtime on school night: about 10ish which I know is late but he has much older siblings and is not tired in the mornings. (Older DCs used to go to bed much earlier at his age!).

Sleepover: may be at friends from early evening to following lunchtime. Home earlier/later depending on homework/football etc.

Texts: has only just got 2nd hand mobile phone from older brother. Think that your DDs messages are probably all talk but would be worried if my DD at that age was receiving them. Would speak to her about it.

Swearing: no. But older siblings do.

Pocket money: doesn't really have any, but thinking about £5 a week soon so can save up for stuff he wants, but I don't want to buy.

Chores: not really, but is generally helpful and does as he is told and I don't care about tidy bedrooms. Will always help with things if asked.

Own computer: no uses family one and I keep 'popping in' to see what he is doing. Knows full well I will somehow 'know'if he is doing anything inappropriate (again legacy of older siblings!!).

Hope this helps.

lljkk · 30/11/2008 17:36

By that definition, is any child ever truly sensible? Surely they are always capable of doing something we disapprove of?

Comments from near-strangers sound extremely unhelpful!

Sorry I don't have a teen, so can't contribute own experience, am merely an intrested observer. I think I would def say no to own computer in room with no adult access, though.

RustyBear · 30/11/2008 17:37

Forgot the swearing bit - Swearing at someone, even her brother, was totally barred and resulted in lost pocket money - the occasional accidental word I'd let pass with a reminder

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:39

BIWI she has always been a bit challenging, you know wanting her own way,nothing serious but recently she is constantly shouting, hitting siblings, shouting at me and DH, getting into fights at school, texting strange men. etc

Trouble is she cant see that there is anything wrong with her behaviour!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:43

lljkk: I know my head is all over the place, She is seriously causing our whole family to be constantly sad. Even DS aged 8 is scared of her, he used to worship her

What I suppose I mean is Do you trust your DC when they are out? because DD behaviour has resulted in me not trusting her at all

OP posts:

frogs · 30/11/2008 17:44

13yo dd.

Goes to bed at 10pm, which seems late to me, but she gets herself up at 6.30 without any help from us, so she must be getting enough sleep. The deal is, if she oversleeps then bedtime is brought forward for a couple of nights.

Sleepover -- usually midday to midday. But generally only with a fairly small group of girls from her pretty strict school, so I'm pretty confident she's safe. I'm one of the most lenient parents in her friendship group, lol.

Absolutely no way on gods earth would I approve of her sending texts like this to a 17yo i don't know. Where does she know him from? How does she know he isn't a 46yo pervert? I would really hope that dd would have the common sense to avoid this scenario, and I would go nuclear if I found this kind of thing going on.

No, she doesn't swear. I do though, and she's deeply disapproving.

Gets £10 a week, and has to buy all non-essentials. Though in fairness I'm quite generous to her, on the basis that she's generally quite sensible and trustworthy. She does whatever chores need doing along wiht the rest of us -- eg. cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, putting younger sister to bed.

Computer -- christ, no, to the no-checking scenario. She uses family computer, and is probably going to get a handed-down laptop for Christmas, but only on the basis that I can check it whenever. I do check her internet history occasionally, and cast an eye over her emails/msn.

Original poster

MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack · 30/11/2008 17:49

Thanks Frogs, Apparently he is a friend of her current best friend but acording to this friends mother he is actually a friend of a friend of a friend, who DD friends has had no contact with yeah write she should check her DDs phone me thinks

OP posts:

smartiejake · 30/11/2008 17:54

-Bed- between 9-9.30

-Sleepovers- usually 4 or 5pm with an 11am pick up the next day. But not every weekend perhaps 2 or 3 per term.

Text messages form a 17 year old good God NOOOOO!

Swearing- never heard her say anything worse that damn in my hearing.

Pocket money starts at £3 per week but she can earn 50p a day extra for good behaviour (and it also goes down when she misbehaves)Usually pans out at about £5 a week but it's not for clothes.SHe also does other little chores such as dishwasher, wiping down the kitchen, vac and dust own room.
own computer-yes but we have cyber patrol which blocks unsuitable sites, allows us to time limit her internet use (including msn)and our computers are all networked so we have access to everything she attempts to access on her computer.

oxocube · 30/11/2008 18:10

13 year old boy if any help (plus dd 11 and ds 7)

Bed - about 10.30 on school night and I know this is too late so trying to change.

Sleepovers - would leave about 6ish and back by midday latest next day

Texts - totally inappropriate but then as I don't ever check my ds's phone, I wouldn't know if this was going on. Strongly suspect not though.

Swearing - occasionally if very cross but not a huge deal IMO

pocket money Eu 30 per month but has lots of chores including the last walk of the dog most nights, emptying dishwasher, popping to shops, emptying bins, sometimes picking up ds from school and cleaning own room (after a fashion )

Own computer - yes, and no Nanny Net type controls. I trust him and only occasionally has he let me down but I think he learned a lesson from it.

We live in quite a close community and ds knows that everything he or his friends do gets back to mum and dad eventually.

cory · 30/11/2008 18:23

12yo dd here, so allow for another year.

Sleepover - depends on the hosts, but would normally go there sometime in the afternoon and return before lunch the next day.

Texts- no, I would have long serious chat with her about this. 17yo may be (fairly) innocent and naive, but that would hardly make her safer.

Does she swear in front of me- No, she is quite controlled. I hope she does not swear in front of other adults either; what she does in front of her friends is not really my business.

Pocket money- £10/month, no regular chores because of health problems but I do expect her to help out when asked.

Computer- hers has no internet connection; she is allowed to use mine for going online from time to time, but then I do check where she goes.

TheProvincialLady · 30/11/2008 18:27

Re the text - if you honestly think that a 17 year old boy has contacted your DD like this then you need to act. I would perhaps text or ring to say something along the lines of how your DD is 13 and you are not happy for her to receive texts like that, but you appreciate he may not know your DD is just 13 so you won't be taking further action unless there is any more communication. He may genuinley not know that she is so young, or he may be the Wrong Sort. You can't take a risk either way.

NCbirdy · 30/11/2008 18:39

13yo dd here

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night? 9.30

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back? lunchtime unless arranged with other parent in advance

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy! No as has been said, I would remove the phone if she tried to defend this.

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident) No not on purpose, if accidently then profuse appologies and punishment if appropriate (depends on swear)

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores? £5 per week. Dishwasher, washing, help with younger dc, help tidying in general

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?NO NO NO

Thanks guys need some answers as apparently I have it all wrong Of course you have, she is a teenager and so is wired to think that only she can be right. In approxomatly 20 years she will realise this herself (although it depends on when she starts to have her own children of course)

The text thing is very bad but not surprising, she should be handling it though not responding.

Hitting sibblings is out of order, shouting at you is normal but not acceptable.

All my opinions obviously but I think that she is pushing you a bit too far really.

janeite · 30/11/2008 18:44

Deffo don't believe the "everyone is doing it line" - it is a myth perpetrated by teenagers in the hope of conning naive teenagers (I know; I used to say it too!).

How are you addressing some of the poor behaviours, such as the hitting of siblings? Eg: if she DOES have her own computer, do you ban the use of said computer for set times, after she's been badly behaved? Sorry if you've already tried all this.

oxocube · 30/11/2008 18:53

Don't know if this is of interest to anyone but at Ds's school - high school and this is his first year - the school give all the kids a new AppleMac in their first week. Almost all their homework seems to be done on-line which makes me quite worried. As far as I can see, the kids seem to spend an incredible amount of time on MSN. I don't like it, and have, at times, switched off the wireless internet, but this seems to be the way teenagers are going, like it or not.

In his favour, ds is usually respectful, loving (as long as none of his mates can see!) and generally 'sorted'. Its very different to the way I grew up but TBH most of the teenage/parent issues seem to be the same.

SpirobranchusGiganteus · 30/11/2008 18:54

I have a 13 yo boy:

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night?
**10:00

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy!
**NO!!!!

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident)
**No

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores?
**£5 per week. He doesn't really do chores, though is supposed to look after hi stuff/room.

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?
**NO!!!!