I really need your help please re 13 year olds

[MrsWeasleyLovesSantasSack]

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night?

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back?

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy!

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident)

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores?

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?

Thanks guys need some answers as apparently I have it all wrong

Thanks guys:

She doesnt have her own computer but is asking for one.

I know the "Everyone is doing it" is a myth the trouble is DD actually believes that everyone is doing whatever!

If she does something unsuitable she gets a warning and then either a tv ban, computer ban or grounding.

She ges £5 pocket money if she empties the dishwasher 4/5 times a week. This is her only chore but she doesnt do it. She doesnt do anything else even if asked!

RE the texting: he does know how old she is, I saw the text telling him. I dont usually check her phone but texting in bed at 11.30pm made me suspicious. Have removed phone. Have not yet contacted boy.

She was allowed computer usage encluding MSN and Bebo with the condition she did her homework first. School rang to say that her homework wasnt being done(she told me it was) so MSN went. The other condition to MSN and Bebo was that she only added people who she was actually friends with - she didnt so the consequence is she had warnings then lost both MSN and Bebo.

Allowed her on a sleepover last weekend to her friend (a family I dont know and someone who lives a car ride away, not walkable and I dont drive) she was gone from 10am sat until 6.30pm on sunday.

She also switches her phone off when out so I have no way of contacting her.

Her lastest delight was during our evening meal tonight. My other DD said "Mum, I think I've been pricked by something on my finger and have a splinter" She said it clearly (she is 9) and I was checking her finger when DD1 shouted at me "ha She thinks you're a prick" then smiled at me! I told her not to be rude and she laughed and said it was funny.

All sounds perfectly normal to me! The joke at the dinner table sounds like she was testing for a reaction. I know that dd will be saying/doing different things in school but IMO it is important to maintain the rules at home so that they have a kind of base line behaviour to work from IYSWIM.

thanks NCbirdy for the post.

I am trying to maintain discipline at home and whilst I do support the school if she is only naughty at school I could deal with that but to call me a prick in front of whole family is something I do not like.

I have a 12 1/2 yr old DD and a 14 yr old DS.

Both go to bed at 9 on a school night.

We only have 1 PC, which is my laptop. If they want to use it they have to ask.

I think the 17 year old should know better.

We do have little rows but they won't argue with me for too long as I make most noise!

I also have a 9 yr old DS2 who shares a room with his big bro, DS1 does try to be Boss of DS2 but it doesn't last long.

Mrs W are you on your own? Do you have dd's dad around for back up/support? Sounds like you are having a horrid time and your dd, although she is just a kid, seems to be crossing a line here

Our rule is that I have to be able to contact dd1 by phone if she is out. If I text her I expect a response within 10 mins or so. If I phone her and the phone is off, I get v. v. annoyed.

Being non-contactable is a grounding offence in our house.

oxo I am not on my own by DH works shifts which includes weekends 10am -10pm sometimes until 11pm. He has come home early tonight as I am on the verge of a breakdown I think!

You see frogs we have a rule too, if she goes out she must leave her phone on. Trouble is she goes out switches it off so I ground her or remove a priviledge but next time she goes out she is fine. Then the next time she is out she switches the phone off. So its a constant battle.

Don't let her go out then. She has to learn that this isn't acceptable.

No more going out. End of. Make it really painful for her - and don't give in. Set a time limit on it that's really too long for her, which will probably be a couple of months, and then stick to it.

Insist on seeing her homework planner and ask the school to notify you each week of her homework and then ask to see her work every day.

You have to be really on her case over this otherwise she is getting away with it - and thus thinks she can get away with even more.

Re the remark at the table, I think that was probably her way of making a joke tbh, and I would have left it - pick your battles and all that.

It does sound as if she's pushing things to get a reaction from you (think back to toddler days!) and if you don't give one, then she doesn't get the result she's looking for.

Very, very easy to say when it's not your own child, though!

Do you have the kind of relationship where you explain to her why you need to be able to get hold of her when she's out, so that she might feel less as if you're getting at her?

Dd1 is supposed to turn her phone on when she gets out of school, so that she'll get any message from me before she gets home -- she doesn't always do this, but we've had a few incidents where she's eg. gone out without her keys and I've had to go out too so that she's ended up sitting on the doorstep for an hour in the dark waiting for us to get back.

Could she explain to you why she turns the phone off -- eg. she may find it embarrassing to have her mum phone up. In which case maybe you could cut a deal that you won't phone her, but she needs to reply to a text within the hour. I think you need to do whatever you can to encourage her to move on from the 'my mum is evil and trying to wreck my life' to the more mature position where she can roll her eyes at her friends and say, 'God my mum, she's such a fusspot', but basically agree to humour you because she knows it matters to you and that you might just have a teeny tiny point with regard to worrying about her safety.

"Please humour me" is quite a common phrase in the frogpond -- less confrontational than 'you will do what I say', and makes them feel that they're doing you a favour when they eg. wear a coat or 'agree' to come home by 5pm. Face saving all round.

My concern about the 'you will not go out ever' approach is that it's bound to make her resentful and will ultimately push her even further away from listening to you. I think longterm you really need to move to a point where you're not quite so at loggerheads. Is there any chance that giving her more responsibility might encourage her in this direction, or do you think she'd just take complete advantage?

sorry - MrsWeasley - there's an urgent amendment suggestion over on the names thread for you...

Thank you spanky, you like my name now? My other one was too tame

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night?

10pm.

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back?

i need name address and telephone number, i ring parent or go round ( well i did at that age) i set time for coming home

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy!

no. i would warn him and hen call the police.

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident)

hell no.
i dont allow other teenagers to do it either in my presence.

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores?

at 13 - no pocket money. they did chores becuase they live here and they create most of the mess, we all work and its a team effort to keep us afloat.

i now pay for chores - but only becuase at 15 they want money anyway.

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?

not at 13 they didn't, i did the thing on MSN where you can save all the conversations, i told dd that was a condition of her using it. yes she has bebo, yes i can look at it - that is a condition of her using it.

at 13 i told her she could use MSN but must spell things correctly ( had cold shivers imagining school essays in text speak)

constant battle sounds about right, the poster below is correct re homework, must be in planner - i used to get leters home saying no homework done so i asked for planner everynight and if there was nothing in it - i used to write " E tells me she has no H/w today" so the teachers could see i was clearly not being remiss in my duties as a parent.

if she wants to call social services - tell her to go ahead, and remind her that its not YOU that gets removed ( not that she will ofcourse) but that its her. that will leave you more time and more money to spend with the other sibling ( sibling rivalry - use it)

the vilest of behaviours warrented the odd glass of cold water being thrown over dd with a "how very dare you speak to me like that"

i am GOD in my house. its MY house. I am Matriarch - this isn't a democracy its a dictatorship, what i say GOES. i am pretty easy going most of the time and i let things slide, i try to do fun things to balance out the 'constant battles'

if its any consolation, my daughter morphed from alien into human being at 14. I think what you have to try and get is her empathy for others, for your situation, ask her for help, praise her for the help.

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night? mine goes at 9.30

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back? they go when-ever, but always home before tea the next day, if not then at lunchtime

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy! Nope, not IMO

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident) Oh no, not without lots of telling off....I can honestly say that they don;t, unless they are repeating something someone has said

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores? £20 p/m, and then she has to budget it

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at? she has her own laptop, but me and her dad regularly go on it, and if she is on it often look at what she is typing/saying/check the sites she is on all answers are the same for her 14yo sister, altho the 14yo gets £40 p/m pocket money, and has a 10pm bedtime.

My dd (13) goes to bed at 10 on a schoolnight...but faffs around till at least 10.30. But she gets herself up bright and early the next morning so I'm not too worried.

I would be worried about those texts, however, and would remove the phone. or reply to him from it.

No pocket money here. She doesn't help out, so she gets no money. Simple as that.

Yes she has her own computer but can only access the internet downstairs, so we have a general idea of what she does.

She was the victim of some nasty language and abuse on MSN recently from an old school 'friend', but thats all been sorted now.

Bloomin teenagers, eh?

Oh, and no swearing EVER and sleepovers? Probabaly late afternoon to mid morning, depends on the friend.

13 year old dd -

Bedtime on a school night - 10

Sleepover - would probably go from school, and be home for 4pm the next day.

Texts from 17 yr old boy - NO NO NO! no phone, no pc, no privileges, grounded. As a last resort she would have no bedroom door if it got really bad.

Swearing - no

Pocket money - £5 a week, for her self.

Chores - bedroom kept tidy, animals fed.

Own computer - yes, she has a laptop, but, she knows that at anytime, I can (because I paid for it) go on it. I never do, but thats not to say I wouldn't.

Swearing - it has happened once, and I informed her that her dad and I don't swear in front of her, so, why did she think she was so special.

Thank you ladies I appreciate all your replies.
Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one.
I am going to ring the school nurse to arrange for someone to talk to DD about the dangers of phoning strangers etc.

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night?

my daughter goes to bed about 9, but when i says go to bed i mean goes upstairs, then watches telly/texts etc..... still awake some nites about midnite!

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back?

if she is staying at a freinds i know she could leave to play out at lunchtime, come back next day dinner timeish. but prob would phone in between.

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy!

dont think its appropriate but probaly think she is not on her own in doing it. things are a lot easier by txt, false bravado and that,

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident)

does swear in front of me sometimes, and by accident in front of siblings, byut not realy bad swearing f word etc.

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores?
doesnt get pocket money, does have a little job at local cafe, is expected to do chores.

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?

did have own computer took it away though, didnt opt to look at it but if i was told i couldnt i would be very interested in what they were hiding.
Thanks guys need some answers as apparently I have it all wrong

nobody does it right matey we can only learn as we go along its hard. dont let anybody preted it sint. !

Thanks I really do appreciate all your posts.

I have a meeting with her teacher who is equally concerned about her behaviour.

Oddly enough since she found out her teacher and I were talking she has been very sheepish and yesterday she was even nice!

I think the key here is really for her to see that you are taking charge, but in a totally non confrontational and non-negotiable way.

And getting teachers on side is probably no bad thing!

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night?

My DD 13 goes at 9.30 although occasionally 10pm.

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back?
Depends on whether she staying with her good friends who we know well, if so will go at about 4 and be back sometime the following afternoon. If it's somebody we don't know then she goes later and comes back early (after we have spoken to parents)

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy!

Absolutly not, would have phone removed.

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident)

not very often, but will get into trouble for this.

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores?

Doesn't get pocket money as such but we pay £50 amonth for her music lessons which she has to earn i.e cleaning bedroom, washing/drying dishes etc

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at?

No, although would dearly love one.

What age should a 13 yo girl go to bed on a school night? My 13 yo DS goes to bed 9:30 on school nights, pretty much when he's tired on non-school nights (or when we go if he's still up!).

If your 13 year old goes for a sleepover at weekends, what tome do they leave and come back? He usually goes mid-afternoon and is back by lunchtime the following day.

Is it appropriate for a 13 yo girl to text and receive texts from a 17 yo who they dont know? from 13yo"I am in my room" from 17yo boy "I wish I could be there to cuddle and do what ever you want"
17yo works not a school boy! ABSOLUTELY NOT. He'd lose his phone if was having such texts.

Does your 13 yo swear in front of you and younger siblings? (either on purpose or my accident). If he's telling a joke that has a swear word in it then he's allowed. He understands the right time and place for such language and I am fairly relaxed about it anyway. As long as it's not directed at people (teachers, GPs etc) in general chat then I'm not concerned.

How much pocket money do they get and do they do any chores? £3 per week as long as his room is kept tidy, he dries and puts away the dishes when he gets in from school, puts the bin out etc. Nothing major. If he helps out on bigger jobs he'll probably get a treat, but usually no more than £3... and nothing at all if the chores don't get done

Do they have their own computer which you are not allowed to look at? Absolutely not. He has his own "account" but we can check EVERYTHING he looks at and we have parental controls set up so he's limited to which sites he can visit.