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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

dd1 driving me mad

10 replies

madmumof4 · 12/03/2005 17:20

dd1 is a 14 year old who has got in with the wrong crowd. She has stolen from her brother, her nan and from a shop in town. I dont know what to do to stop her ruining her life. The police nor social services are interested in helping me. I would have thought that prevention was better than cure but apparently they are waiting for her to do something serious before they will get involved. I am so sick of hearing that it is normal teenage behaviour.

The only way I think that we can get dd1 away from gang is to move but dd1 is not interested in leaving the gang so I believe that they will find us. One member of the gang who dared to leave was severely beaten up.

Any help or advice would very much be appreciated.

OP posts:

Mud · 12/03/2005 17:35

can you move totally away?

Original poster

madmumof4 · 12/03/2005 21:16

Id love to move totally away but because I have other children who are settled in school I did not want to move totally away because they would have to start again too.

After I have finished my nurse training (another 2 and a half years yet) we will be moving to Australia.

OP posts:

Tortington · 13/03/2005 19:21

dont know what to say but i too am sick to death of being told it is normal teenage behaviour. my lad is being a prick all on his own though - not gang related. this makes things more complicated for you.

something i suggest ( although find hard to do) is to get them involved in activities. my lad goes to basketball on a thurs and a youth club on a mon and he desperatley wants to stop getting into trouble as his life is miserable and has asked me to find a boxing club - which i will try and find out about.

hope this helps - if not , your not alone xxxxxbest wishes

hercules · 13/03/2005 19:26

Don't know what to say apart from what custardo says - trying other activities and just being there really.

hopelesscase · 13/03/2005 21:31

My sympathies, madmumof4. My dd1 (nearly 15) is making our lives a total misery - not gang-related - she manages it all on her own.

I've met loads of mums who seem to be in a similar position, but just last week husband & I went to dd's school, and said 'don't blame us, we can do nothing'. A teacher with 40 years' experience told us that what we have to put up with is beyond normal, and recommended family therapy. We have to wait at least 6 weeks for an appointment - feel like camping outside the 'shrink's' door!

The only consolation I can offer is that EVERYONE says 14-15 are the worst years, and that most kids 'revert to type' in the end - i.e. they turn out just like their parents - which should be a relief!

I know what you mean, though, it seems that unless kids are way out of control, it's hard to get any outside help.

tvresearcher · 15/03/2005 14:35

Dear Madmum,

I am a producer making a programme where we will be offering advice and coaching with a team of experts to parents who are at their wit's end dealing with nightmare teens. Obviously we're not assigning blame - we acknowledge that parenting is really difficult and want to work with a family to help them live together again.

It sounds to me like you need some help - and sometimes it's easier getting kids involved in TV than anything else! If you do feel you'd like to find out more (no committment necessary) please give me a call on 0207 6332512 - I'll be there 'til 6. Or check out our ad in the 'teenagers' section!

x
Zan

tvresearcher · 15/03/2005 14:35

Dear Madmum,

x
Zan

Original poster

madmumof4 · 06/04/2005 11:02

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am trying to get her involved with more activities. She goes to swimming club on saturday afternoons but she hasnt been for the last 2 weeks!!??? She is responding though,she is toeing the line but occasionally now she is doing something stupid, like I trusted her to get money out of the hole in the wall machine (I wasnt feeling at all well) and she took out more than I had asked her. She still comes in shouting and swearing after being out all day with her mates but at least she comes in on time and texts regularly to let me know where she is. My advice for all parents with teenagers is to keep your cool, keep boundaries, keep telling them that you live them and dont expect too much lol. Hopefully she is coming out the other side but she is still hanging around with the gang which I am not too pleased about but she is going to have to learn for herself and I will be there to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:

Original poster

madmumof4 · 06/04/2005 11:04

Sorry that should be that you "love" them not "live" them lol

OP posts:

jojo38 · 12/04/2005 22:10

Madmum, I hope you are ok. I have a 14yo ds.. he went through a stage of "trying it on" with us. He ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning - I found him there after a night of terrorising agony of him not coming home. He had never done anything like this before which is more of a shock. It has taken a good while for all to settle down again but for the most part he is ok. I think he got in with a wrong crowd but realised it after he scared himself. At the time I broadcasted it. I wasn't proud, just ashamed and had to let the school and his friends' parents know. It was a heartbreaking time but it had to be done. I hoped that it shamed him into realising what he had done.

I have a stepdaughter, now nearly 19. I met her when she was 13 (going on 45). She was a bright loving girl but one day it all changed. I found a letter on my pc to someone telling this person that she was having such a terrible life, she told of how she watched her sister die in hospital after her father threw her down the stairs, (SHE HASN'T GOT A SISTER, NEVER HAD ONE!!) about beatings etc... It was awful!! I wasn't married to her father then so I had no idea how to handle this. In the end I phoned childline and asked their advice. I had to tell dh - he almost lost his world! We had social services involved and they did help us with this.

Fortunately, if you can call it that, stepdaughter was already on thier files as an F catagory - Fantasy. This little escapade nearly cost her father the rights to see her, he could have lost his job, home the lot. Do persevere with the social services. She has grown up to be a pleasant, independent woman - whom I still don't trust - but that is just me...

Threaten the Social Services with the press if they resist helping you... that might get their attention.

I know it isn't remotely as bad as you are going through and I don't know how to help your situ. I do hope that you find a way. Sending hugs and hope.

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