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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

She makes me cry

25 replies

morethanjustalittleupset · 10/10/2008 22:09

Or rather her behaviour and rudeness makes me cry. I know its pathetic and I should be a bigger stronger person but the truth of the matter is DD13 is so surly it makes me cry . Its all the usual stuff like me asking her to tidy her room and pick up clothes and then her being rude and asnwering back when I tell her I am disappointed she hasn't done as I have asked. Me saying I'm fed up having to treat you like a toddler and check up that you have done whats been asked of you. Am trying so hard just to get her to do the basics and to learn and grow and be responsible etc but she just sees me as the enemy. I know this is normal teenage stuff but I cant seem to rise above it and am reduced to tears frequently. I feel sad and upset that she is not listening to me and taking my advice and then I end up feeling really cross because she was an IVF prem baby and so precious that I hate feeling cross IYSWIM. She doesn't see my emotions by the way. Just needed to offload but any tips on how to 'toughen myself up' would be very appreciated. By the way she is very happy at school, has friends and has no worries (or so I am told). She gets lots of love and one to one attention too.

OP posts:

NotAnOtter · 10/10/2008 22:12

morethan....awww i really feel for you

i have just had a baby and dd turned 14 last week. she made my pg and post partum miserable because of her vile surly nature..i have no advice suffice to say she has gone a 'tiny' bit better the last month or so....she has made me cry a lot over the last year though .

i felt as though my words fell on deaf ears for about 18 months now and only now do i hopefully see the light...

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 22:19

Is she your only child?

sheilatakeabow · 10/10/2008 22:24

I'm no expert, apart from the fact I used to be one, but, like the never-ending feeding, the broken nights, the tantrums... this too shall pass. Remember, teenage brains aren't properly formed, so its not her fault she's a surly little madam. The fact that she is happy at school and has friends is a credit to you obviosuly being a super mum . It WILL get better

NappiesLaGore · 10/10/2008 22:26

man, being 13 sucks. shes prob hating it even more than you. (not that that helps you, sorry)

my sis has always been spikey. and the more love she needed, the spiker she got. was v tought at times, but hang in there. she appreciates you WAY more than she lets on.

Original poster

morethanjustalittleupset · 10/10/2008 22:31

Thankyou shielatakeabow. What hurts so much is the time we are losing together. She'll be an adult soon enough and I so want to savour these few remaining years with her and have them filled with love and happiness. I absolutely adore her, waited years for her, thought I would lose her, (she was originally a triplet when 1st concieved)and them a 28 weeker, I just want her to be with a happy mummy and not one who she obviously sees as a nag or whatever. I have a DS too, younger, he is everything she is not but she knows how much I love and adore her. I tell her and show her all the time. Life is so precious and I see the days, weeks, months and years slipping away. Being dramatic I guess but I feel so passionate about everything.

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PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 10/10/2008 22:32

I have a 14 and 12yr old, and completely get where you are coming from.

all I can say is.......it gets better. I promise!

pisk your battles. work out what gets you the most wound up, and just tell her that one thing. for me, it is the way they come into the house and throw thier school bags down and kick off their shoes where ever they please, when they have pegs for the bags and shelves for the shoes. those two things then get to me so much I get at them for anything and everything else.

since I pointed it out, and they pointed out what I did to piss them off (the constant nagging), things are ever-so-slightly calmer. I say 'slightly', as PMT makes a massive difference in my mood and theirs.

being in the throws of puberty is like having severe PMT without a break. if you suffer, then you can kind of see why she is like she is. those hormones are horrid!!

and do not forget......she will be long past this when you hit menopause proper......you wil need sympathy, so give it in spades now.

and , cos I know how shite it makes you feel!

schwotz · 10/10/2008 22:35

I am entering into thsi and it is tough, all those years of cuddles and hugs and now hormones and attitude. You are not alone. It takes a real adjustment as a parent at this stage and however much you are warned about teenagers, it is always hurtful when your child treats you so badly. You have my sympathies.

Remember is is not your job to make them happy all the time and they have a right to be fed up. It is just sad when they want you to be as fed up as them by being so annoying! Try and leave them before you make a reaction. Hard to do.

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 22:36

She will come through it to the other side! I think you have to step back and give her more space-difficult though it might seem. You are not losing time together, you are just losing time as you envisaged it. Thirteen is not an age when you want to be your mother's best friend-that will come later when she will appreciate you.

sheilatakeabow · 10/10/2008 22:39

Don't think of it like you will soon lose her - I'm 31, and my mum and I are closer than we've ever been now. And I was a right cow . As long as you don't alienate her now, although she's a nightmare, you will look back together and laig

Original poster

morethanjustalittleupset · 10/10/2008 22:43

I'm a VERY mature mum, I'm afraid we wont have so much time together. Thats me being paranoid but I am the wrong side of 50

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sheilatakeabow · 10/10/2008 22:45

Oh, that's such a sad way to think . But, again, you can't let that cloud how you deal with her now

sheilatakeabow · 10/10/2008 22:45

Oh, that's such a sad way to think . But, again, you can't let that cloud how you deal with her now

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 22:46

You have years yet-hopefully!
I can see how you feel but you are putting too much onto your DD in the way of your expectations. She will probably get closer if you give her some healthy neglect.

schwotz · 10/10/2008 22:47

The way to toughen yourself up? I am not sure what you can do TBH. Sit an watch something rubbish together on TV she likes and just not say how dreadful it is or talk while its on I find helps.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum · 10/10/2008 22:47

you know what, stop fretting. she loves you, you have given her good grounding (obvious if she does well and has good friends), so she will come back to you.

EVERY teen does this.........it is hormones and them trying to find themselves.

why don;t you write down all the jobs she needs to do in a week, and tell her the day they need to be done by. she then has time to get them done, (or ingore them), and in between you can relax. (a little).

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 22:49

I should try not to cry. I was always relieved that my mother didn't when I was that age, I found adults crying very alarming.

AbbeyA · 10/10/2008 22:51

Sorry, reading my posts I sound a little cruel. I don't mean to be. I just remember finding the teenage years difficult and parents were embarrassing. I have a very good relationship with my mother as an adult.I am sure you will, you have given her a good start in life.

schwotz · 10/10/2008 22:52

Well I have failed on that one Abbey already. But I don't do it often and not normally as a reaction to something they have done although lately it has happened once when I was seen!

Original poster

morethanjustalittleupset · 10/10/2008 23:37

Have dried my tears and ready to face a new day. thank you all

OP posts:

schwotz · 10/10/2008 23:43

goodnight
hope for a better day tomorrow, or the next, it will come and then it will all make sense again

Original poster

morethanjustalittleupset · 10/10/2008 23:56

Thank you schwotz, hope you get through it ok too.

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witcheseve · 11/10/2008 00:04

Don't know what to say except treat her like a mini adult, i.e she has to take responsbility for her own bedroom and in a way life. She is no longer your little girl anymore but a friend in the making.

Just pick your battles, don't make her feel like she has to go to grow she can do it in the family envirnoment, which is so much healthier. Good luck. From one of mum of a teen to another.

AbbeyA · 11/10/2008 08:43

I hope it all feels better after a night's sleep. Witcheseve talks a lot of sense; your relationship is changing-it has to as she gets older. Sometimes you have to do and say things that make you seem like the enemy but try and keep it lighthearted, I tell mine they will appreciate it when they are older!
I believe that they will because I find that I am very like my mother!

bleurgh · 11/10/2008 08:51

Just caught up with this thread and I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten but I just wanted to say thanks, which is a bit odd knowing where the post comes from, but I thought I was the only one too. The tips and messages of support that people have given have really cheered me up too and given me hope. Hope all turns out well and that today is a good day. I take one day at a time.. which leads to a lot of disappointment.. but better that than waking up with no hope at all I say .

fizzbuzz · 12/10/2008 21:05

I am a teacher and I remember standing in the Learning Mentors office in our school. They were saying that it never ceased to amaze them, that when a child had been treated badly by a parent how they became increasingly desperate for that parent's time, attention and affection.

Ds was 13 at the time, and I remember saying how i wished he was desperate for my attention

They then turned on me, and said shouted "NO, it means you have looked after him properly if he isn't like that!"

I tried to take some bitter comfort from that

I recognise that stuff about losing time together very much, but I realised I had to let him go a bit to get him back later (still no sign of at 15, but am assured by more experienced than me, that he will)

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