DD1's best friend

[PurpleOne]

Not sure how to word this right, but DD1 found out yesterday that her best mates dad comitted suicide and was found hanging from a tree in the local park.

Her mate came over yesterday for tea, which is how we found out.
I have offered to take her mate for the night tomorrow as DD1 went over there today after school to help out. DD1 is 13 and has never experienced death at all.

She's very quiet and reserved right now. Told me she had helped walk her mates dogs and washed up the dinner dishes and her mates mum is a mess.

She's been asking a few questions. Like 'mum, what happens to us if you die'? (am single mum BTW) She's been brought up in a {agan household so she understands the concepts of afterlife etc, but she's really struggling with the fact that people can take their lives so brutally.

Any ideas or advice would be most welcome.

TIA x

brought up in a PAGAN household

Oh goodness, how awful

Your DD sounds lovely.

Could you explain to her that her friend's Dad was not well and that is why it happened? And reassure her that you are ok and that you are going to be around for a long time. If she is really concerned about what would happen to her if you did die, can you talk to her about that? Do you have a plan? Would it reassure her to know there was one if anything terrible happened? What would she want to happen?

I think doing what you are doing is the best thing - keep talking to DD1 about it and offering to help her friend & the family.

I've had to face this one several times: a family friend committed suicide when dd was about 7, ds was 6 when he found out that his beloved swimming instructress had been murdered by her boyfriend, a little boy at dc's school was run over a couple of years ago, and their best friends' Mum is currently struggling with terminal cancer.

I suppose it's the first situation that is most similar to yours. I told dd that our friend had had a mental illness that meant he hadn't really known what he was doing. I also mentioned that this particular type of illness tends to run in families, that other people in his family had it and that there is no mental illness in our family so it is very unlikely that this would happen to us. I did also mention what would happen if anything happened to us: that my family would look after them.

The second instance was the hardest: ds really was traumatised and the more so because he was not allowed to speak about it to other children (who didn't know- he only fount out by accident). He was terrified by the concept of boyfriends for a long time after. There are times when all you can do is to cuddle someone and admit that you too are upset. And help them channel their aggressions.

The third incident (the little boy run over) was the one that made least impact, perhaps because it was least of a shock: they've always known cars can kill.

The fourth instance is what we're dealing with now. I have tried to focus on how we can help the family involved; how dd and ds can be supportive of their friends, and how there is a whole neighbourhood of people who want to help and who will always want to help.

I offered to help last night and her DD stayed over here all night, and they got up for school.

Her mum came here to drop her bag off. They don't know that we know so acted all normal. I'm on first name terms with mum so greeted her. She ignored me, ignored my DD's, walked straight in here, dropped stuff off. Not even a hello.

Asked her if she wanted coffee or a bite to eat, she still blanked me, and walked away. Offered her a Pyrex full of shepherds pie and she walked away.

Not feeling AIBU as we know the situ involved although they don't know...but an acknowledgement would be nice. I don't know what to do to help her.

I did try [sad}