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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pocket money for 14 year-old boy. Are we mean?

119 replies

Libra · 22/08/2008 10:57

DS1 is 14 and has just started S3 here, which I think would be fourth year in England.

At present he gets ten pounds a week pocket money, out of which he is expected to pay for his lunch at school (usually around one pound a day for a sandwich) and then to use the other five pounds for minor living expenses.

We buy all his clothes.

The problem has arisen because he claims all his friends get more pocket money than this. There have also been problems over the summer relating to the clothes he would like bought versus the clothes I am prepared to buy.

He also has a bank savings account into which he puts money he receives for birthdays. He is very averse to using such money to purchase CDs, clothes, etc or to go to the cinema with mates (these are usual expenses). He expects to be able to meet these expenses out of the pocket money (hence it is not enough) and hoards the birthday money.

He did extra chores around the house and garden over the summer for extra money, but we will not allow him to get a job yet because we think he is too young and his schoolwork will suffer. The usual job in our village is washing dishes at the local hotel for quite poor wages, which some of his mates do.

So - are we mean? How much do you give your 14 year old and what is he expected to fund out of this?

Many thanks for any replies!!

OP posts:

Jodyray · 22/08/2008 11:18

As a kid i got money each day at school to buy toast and a drink at break as meals were pre paid by my parents. I would have to earn any further pocket money by tidying room, helping hang out washing etc for things such as cinema trips etc. That said my parents bought me all my clothes and stuff and as they didnt want me to get a paper round etc (overprotective) would help me out with money for other things providing i got good grades in school!

Original poster

Libra · 22/08/2008 11:18

Thanks Marslady.

Yes, I think we should mention him to a few of DS2's friends' parents.
If he was babysitting in the village, then if there was a crises, DH or I could get there soon enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Libra · 22/08/2008 11:20

I agree that it is important for them to learn about budgetting.
This is why we want him to get out of the 'hoarding' behaviour.
He needs to learn how to budget, so that if the school closes because of a strike, and then he and his mates want to go into town to see a film, he has the cash available (scenario from Wednesday this week).

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 22/08/2008 11:23

I think you need to find out a lot more about what your DS' mates really get in the way of pocket money, lunch money, clothing allowance etc. You cannot take a decision about how much money you are going to give your DS and for what (or what it is reasonable to expect him to earn) in isolation of "market forces" in his school/environment.

If everyone in your family makes their own sandwich for lunch I think that it is probably reasonable to expect this of your DS too, unless he really is in a tiny minority of children at his school bringing their own lunch.

I also think that at 14 you might be thinking about giving your DS an allowance for clothing. If he has to wear a school uniform, you should fund this completely, plus his underwear (or it will be vile ). But weekend clothing could come out of an allowance reserved only for clothing ie you release the funds only when he has identified a piece of clothing he wishes to buy and if he wishes to buy clothing beyond the budget you give him it should come out of his birthday money or wages from a part-time job.

Original poster

Libra · 22/08/2008 11:28

I agree that the allowance things seems the way to go.

I am just worried because I can see the scenario where he blows all the money in the first day of the month and then comes demanding money to go out with mates, etc. How strong will I be in that case? He has not always had a lot of friends, and now he has established a friendship group I am anxious that he does keep this friendship strong.

Anna - we have asked him to find out how much his mates get, but this just leads to large claims, and we are not sure how accurate they are....

OP posts:

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:30

I'd leave him to hoard and refuse to listen to any bitchin' and whinin' on the subject.

Pay for it out of your savings like an adult would, I'd say.

Nobody's paycheck includes 'a bit extra because you want some new trainers this month.'

Oh, and teenagers lie. Of course he's going to say his mates get more - like that's a good enough reason for you. I think he overestimates the importance of peer pressure for grownups.

'And if your friends threw themselves off a cliff, you would too....?' etc.

I would give him a chance to get a job, and if his school work does suffer, then he has to quit.

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 11:33

Mine gets £5 paid straight into his account.

He can earn extra money if he wants to buy something. He runs a business at school where he can make money.

We pay for all essentials - food, bus fares to school, school uniform, basic clothes.

I think £10 and then making him buy his own lunch is very mean, tbh.

Original poster

Libra · 22/08/2008 11:33

Yes, that is why DH (!) suggested that I ask Mumsnet this morning what everyone else gives their child/teenager/whatever they like to be called. Because we did not think we would be getting very accurate totals back from the mates.

OP posts:

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:33

If he blows his allowance all on day one, he'll learn eventually.

Let him choose whether he gets it weekly or monthly, and make it a condition that he doesn't come griping for money if he can't budget well, or asking for an advance.

I know all this is easier said than done, but sometimes you just have to be a brick wall zero tolerance consistent bastard.

Oh, and if he asks you for money, your line is 'Oh. I was about to ask you for a loan - I blew this month's spare cash already. Would you mind if we gave you your next allowance a bit late instead, we can't scrape the money together in time'

MarsLady · 22/08/2008 11:35

The tip Libra is to tell him that you don't operate an overdraft system!

Yes of course he'll probably blow it all the first month. Don't bail him out! He'll soon stop blowing it all in one go. Likewise if he buys clothes and things that you don't like, don't rush out and buy him more "appropriate" things. Eventually he'll work out that he has got money coming in that he is in control of. If he wastes it then it is down to him, if he uses it wisely it is down to him!

Your son has money, he can bail himself out. He chooses not to because he's pretty sure that you will.

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:35

He isn't made to buy his lunch, Squeaky, he can make sandwiches at home but he won't. And the sandwiches he buys are £5 ish a week, so he has about the same as your dc.

Is that right, Libra?

ShrinkingViolet · 22/08/2008 11:35

we asked DD1 to choose if she wanted her money in cash, or paid into her account, and weekly or monthly - she chose cash and weekly so that she "didn't run out".

Original poster

Libra · 22/08/2008 11:36

I like the idea of a loan from him!!

Will arrange for monthly allowance. Will encourage use of hoarded savings.

Will buy his lunch.

Will be less mean, but become brick wall zero tolerance consistent bastard ( I like that term).

OP posts:

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:39

I think you were onto a better thing when he had the choice of making his own lunch for free or buying it from school.

But good plan!

Tell him BWZTCB when he asks for money and let him work out what it stands for. £5 if he does

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 11:42

Why is he not taking sandwiches from home? TBH, I think that it is a lot for a kid to make their own sandwiches the night before. Mum should surely do this, especially if she is making them anyway.

The first thing that needs to be sorted is why he isn't taking sandwiches from home.

But I don't think he should be punished for food choices.

MarsLady · 22/08/2008 11:44

I don't think it's too much for a 14 yo to make his own sandwiches. My 15 yo can make roast dinners and full Jamaica meals. My 9 yo can make her own sandwiches.

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:51

I think 14 year olds need to be learning how to be self sufficient, and sandwich making is the least they can do.

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 11:51

My kids are also very adept in the kitchen, but I think it is a lot of responsibility to make them the night before day-in, day-out.

Most teenage boys are fairly lazy when it comes to forward planning. They are very happy to cook when they are hungry, but to do something for the next day is a very different matter, unless you stand over them while they do it.

They don't really grow out of it either.

I would be concerned that a growing lad is only spending £1 for lunch. Are you sure he is even having lunch? He might tell you it's a sandwich, but how do you know it's not just a packet of crisps and a biscuit?

They have been known to skip lunch - my own DS skipped his paid-for school lunches at the beginning of the year because he didn't want to queue up, and wanted more free time. This all stopped when I got his form tutor on his case.

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 11:53

14-year olds can make sandwiches - it's the forward planning that they are not so good at.

MrsTittleMouse · 22/08/2008 11:53

My Mum (who was a teacher) was when she found out how few of her class of 10-year-olds couldn't make a sandwich. So I'd better make sure that my DDs are well clued up on their life skills.

MrsDisapproving · 22/08/2008 11:57

no, you're not mean. how old do you have to be to get a paper round these days?

if he has money hoarded away which he refuses to spend then it is his issue how he chooses to use his money, not whether or not he has enough.

subbing own lunches also perfectly reasonable if there is perfectly good "free" food in the fridge.

stick to your guns!

piratecat · 22/08/2008 11:58

yes £1 doesn't seem like much for lunch. I used to get money at that age for lunches but spent it on fags and only ate a pack of crisps.

If it weremy dd now I would make my dd sandwiches, and give her a fiver, to ensure she was eating. Then i would actively source jobs for her to do to top up, say 50p for doing the dishes.

CaptainFabioHiltsTheCoolerCat · 22/08/2008 11:59

14 also a good age to learn forward planning.

I should at this point say that I was quite possibly G&T in the self sufficiency stakes at that age, but I'm also thinking about teenagers I know now too. So possibly some bias.

MarsLady · 22/08/2008 12:00

What better way to teach them forward planning lol! You see we don't actually help our children when we accept the stereotype that teenage boys are lazy/forgetful/can't forward plan. The only way imho to help them through this to to make them proactive... not encourage their inactivity by doing it for them.

I still think that you should stick with the old deal that he makes his own sandwiches or pays for them out of his own pocket.

SqueakyPop · 22/08/2008 12:00

It seems very unloving.

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