13.5 yr old doesn't want screen limits!

[aqualibre55]

My son is 13.5yrs old and he's becoming more introverted and on his phone alot, or gaming in his room. We are trying to put our foot down and tell him he can have 1.5hrs a day gaming (seems alot) and has to hand his phone over to us at 7pm and is allowed to check it once before bed at about 9:30pm to see if he has any messages for the next day etc. He has reacted very badly says he hates our family and we are making his life miserable. What do people think about these limits? on Fridays afterschool we have said he can game as much as he wants. it sounds to us like he gets loads of time! he's saying he's going to quit all his activities like drama and football and maths club to punish us for putting these limits in place. he is otherwise a smart nice kid although very moody and can be very rude. oh he's also not growing and short for his age and we know this is upsetting for him. thanks for any advice!

Weird punishment by him. Sounds like the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I do think a 7pm cut off for his phone is quite early though.

I saw a video yesterday and it basically said that teenagers front lobes are still developing as because of this parents are essentially a substitute front love to help teens with reasoning, boundaries, motivation ect. So whilst it’s hard I would definitely prioritise some limits, although I do think your limits are a little harsh and could be relaxed a little.

7pm is a little harsh but end of the day you decide the screen limits. If he has a problem with it tell him to get a job and pay for his own phone.. and if he’s threatening to quit his activities then oh well let him. He’s only punishing himself

Ours were cut off at 7pm because that was when we ate dinner so no phones at the table. Then after dinner we would sit and chat and watch a tv show together. They still had a slot for tech from about 8.30pm.

They had been home since 3.30pm, got changed, had a snack and had done their homework and if there was no homework there was still no tech until a particular time. They could watch Youtube but it had to be a widening of their knowledge on whatever they were studying in school. The scope for this is huge.

Then they were on tech so that was at least an hour, then helping with dinner prep, setting the table and just being in the kitchen as a family listening to music or a podcast.

There needs to be balance, it cannot be all gaming and I say this as a parent of two sons who played eSports for their uni. They still had a sport 2 nights a week and we went swimming on the weekend as a family. Of course you are the worst parent because you love him so much you are willing to put boundaries in place.

My reaction to him saying he would quit all his clubs would be to tell him this is called a tall tantrum, it is the same tantrum a toddler throws when they too don't get their own way. Tell him you love him enough that you are willing to not have him like you but you will not be spoken to that way. Also tell him this is an immature attitude and if he wanted to ever get you to consider thinking of increasing his tech time then this is not the way to go about it.

Give him some space to think about his behaviour and say you can revisit the conversation about screen time in <give timeframe>. We did allow ours more tech as time went on because their attitude was great, came off no arguments (because they lost tech in the past for that) they were helpful, unpacking shopping, doing chores on their chore chart without comment. And most importantly their school work was done to a high standard both in class and their homework too. Plus they negotiated for it. We had family table talks, they feel heard, we didn't have to give an answer immediately. We could reconvene in a hour or whatever giving Dh and I a chance to talk. They need to feel like they have agency in their life.

Mine also likes to game. He is 14 and goes to the gym 5 x a week, plays football and socialises so I’m happy for his to game as long as he’s up to date with homework which he is. He has time limits on his phones for anything doom scroll like, eg TikTok, but he uses his phone to chat to friends over video call on Snapchat while they game together. I think 7pm cut off is quite early.

Not letting him have access to his phone from 7.30 will be isolating him from his friends.

Ok this is really valuable info - I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know what’s going on with his school but he never has homework. It really worries me! Having said that his school can push the smart kids do well on their GCSEs I know some families who’s kids got great results… but I do worry that I have no idea what he’s studying or if he’s getting a decent education at all.
all that is suffice to say if I saw him do an hour of homework a night afterschool i think id be fine with him gaming non stop after that.
what is a normal bedtime do you think? I say 9:30 and read until you want.. he doesn’t have phone in bedroom at night that will never change.

What he wants simply doesn’t matter. You are the parent and should enforce whatever limits you see fit.

My DS14 periodically goes on a rant about parental controls and how nobody else has them (yea, sure, although I am sure some don’t), and how I cannot control his life. Part and parcel of being a teenager. I am not taking any parental controls off just yet. I keep telling him as he grows older (16+) and more mature that I am prepared to start easing off gradually. I know what he is like and doesn’t have the capacity to self regulate regarding phone use.

He’s a little sod for threatening you like that - for this alone my Dc would have had their devices removed for a week at least!

Well his reaction is all the evidence that you need

anything he quits he owes you for any financial investment

they can get like that - they need to push away from family as well so it’s a difficult time but you need to do what’s right for him and too much screen isn’t good for any of us let alone developing brains

do make sure you model good behaviour and keep off your own phone

do tell him that you did further research in light of his comments and won’t be changing your mind

At the end of the day, you’re his parents and they are your rules.
I’d say he could have a set amount of time after school as ‘downtime’ then it’s homework time (although you don’t think he has any. I’d check that out with the school!) Then no tec whatsoever during dinner time/family time.
Maybe an hour after that but that depends on when you eat as a family and then all tec away from 9pm.
I used to take my children’s phones away by 9pm and told them they could either sleep or read for a bit.
You're the parent! If he threatens to quit all his activities then I’d say he wasn’t mature enough then to have any tec anyway because he’s acting like a petulant toddler.

Mine don’t have set limits for screens. I found it was actually causing more trouble for us as on busy nights they were insisting on getting their allotted time.
Now on some nights it’s accepted that they will have none or very little as it’s too busy where as on others they’ll have loads.
We don’t take phones away until bedtime but there’s no screens at dinner and when we’re all watching something as a family or playing a game then there’s no phones then either.

Well he is having the equivalent of a tantrum to get his own way.

You are the adult and know best. You don't want him spending all his time online and becoming introverted so the screen time limit is entirely reasonable. My two teens have the same limit. If he threatens to quite all other clubs smile and say "That's your choice ds but it really will only be you that misses out, it will save me money and free up time I could spend on my own hobbies" and then ignore all other tantrums.

The 7pm is quite early but not ridiculous if it something you feel strongly about. At that age, my DS had to stop using phone and PlayStation at 9, wind down for half an hour or so before bed and no phone upstairs at night. It’s a bit later now he is 15 but still not allowed his phone overnight, not that he asks.

My DS is a gamer but does other activities and is doing well at school. It’s quite social for him in its own way because he and his friends video call each other whilst gaming and I can hear them chatting and laughing.

Im quite strict about apps though, no TikTok or Instagram.

Mine is the same age and we relaxed gaming limits recently. He now gets around 2 hours each evening before dinner weekdays and longer at weekends. It's just his favourite activity. He obviously has to keep on top of his homework, chores and extra curriculars.

He gets 1.5 hours on his phone per weekday, 2 at weekends. Phone shuts off at 7.45pm unless he's out somewhere or there is a tv show or football match he wants to chat with his mates about.

I’ve never set a screen limit. They both have after school and weekend activities, do homework, and read for pleasure.