DS19 - when is enough, enough?

[effinjeffin]

DS19, long history. Has ADHD and ODD and has been struggling with anxiety / mental health. Is a pain to live with, frankly. Does the bare minimum to help, never cooks a meal etc. Pays board occasionally but only after repeated nagging and generally much less than the agreed amounts. Today he has been paid, says he can’t afford to pay any board but has been out and purchased wagyu steak for himself!

Has been struggling with gambling for 18 months now and refuses help. Has recently self excluded from casinos and websites but refuses GA.

He stole money from us last week, nearly £300. He is not remorseful and is actually quite defiantly objecting that it was just borrowing as he always intended to pay it back on payday.

His credit score is shot, he is self employed and has no desire to go and rent a room elsewhere. No girlfriend. We are getting to the end of our tether but I can’t face the thought of throwing him out when he is really still so young and has nowhere to go.

please help, I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.

Did he pay you back the £300? What has happened previously when he has not paid his board?

Addiction issues are really common in people with ADHD. Is he engaging with any external agencies?

Yes he’s paid back the money. We came up with a “living at home contract” a couple of months ago regarding the payment of board. He hasn’t stuck to it and effectively there is nothing we can do to force him to pay it. We are saving it all for him anyway which makes it all the more annoying!

He refusss to engage with any agencies regarding the gambling.

Why does he need to pay board if you're saving it for him anyway? Sorry, I know it's the done thing in England to charge their own kids to live at home but it's definitely unheard of in many cultures (including mine).

@XelaM Each (culture) to their own.

It's good to teach your kids the value of money and the cost of stuff. They will have to stand on their own feet one day. None of us live forever.

Sorry OP, sounds so difficult. I don't know what you can do, sorry.

I wonder if it's worth you contacting GA, if they have advice for families?
Addiction is an illness but ultimately they need to recognise they need help to really change.

It seems serious to be stealing £300 from you and could escalate quickly honestly.

Now in our 40s, but childhood friend was a gambler, his parents remortgaged to bail him out twice before kicking him out and it wasn't until years later he sought help when he lived alone was evicted made bankrupt and essentially hit rock bottom. He felt in hindsight if he hadn't been repeatedly bailed out he may have hit that point sooner.

That said 19 is very young, I'm sorry such a difficult situation

I don't see the value in charging your kids to live in their own home if that's a constant cause of stress and arguments, particularly when the parents are just saving the money for the kid anyway.

The reasoning behind Board is (a) because at least he’ll have some savings, because he sure isn’t saving for himself, and house deposits are expensive (b) to try to get him to have a real view of the world. Life costs money, bills need to be paid (c) because it teaches discipline. Obviously none of this is valid if he doesn’t actually pay it though!