Are my Y9 expectations unreasonable-screen limit

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I could do with some other opinions. Since starting y9 my 13yo has had a real personality change. He used to be polite and helpful and doing fine at school. Now his scores have all dropped and all he wants to do is hang out with his gf, which I see from other posts is to be expected. I've been asking him to be home by 8.30 and hes really pushing back, I'd be happy for him to stay out later with friends but he has stopped eating properly and so I have been setting the boundary to get him to eat. The real warground though is screens. I have his phone set to go off at 10 on school nights. He has a real issue with this and I am struggling to understand what is reasonable. He wants it for TikTok/Snapchat so I felt turning it off at 10 was a reasonable time but no other y9 child we know has screen limits and he's getting a lot of stick from friends about it. What screen limits do you set for your y9 children?

Y9 here.

Phone goes off at 8.30pm back on at 7am.

No tiktok/ snapchat/ instagram.

If I get any moaning it goes off earlier as it drives me mad.

My year 9's phone goes off at 9pm and back on at 7:30am next day.
He isnt allowed Snapchat or TikTok. We do have a battle over PlayStation/YouTube shorts (which are basically TikToks by another name.)
If he's done all his homework, or done some exercise that day, gaming is not restricted.
Sounds easy...but I do feel your pain, screen time is a constant battle, and I'm just dreading the day he realises nothing much will happen if he doesn't work hard at school...

Phone and Ipad left st the kitchen counter at 8pm here. 13 yo.

Ok this is reassuring because I thought i was going mad. I do appreciate why he is annoyed when no one else at school has limits but I dont want to just give in on this as I already think he has a lot of freedom

Off at 10.30 here year 9. She does have some socials

Oh I've just realised thumbs up here doesn't mean 'like'😂

No socials except WhatsApp, everything else has combined 2hour screen time limit except school apps, music app and text/calls. Whole phone off at 9pm.
we do get push back, and sometimes extend the screen time for specific reasons/scenarios, but ultimately when we put our foot down that’s it really.

Year 9 child here with no TikTok/snap chat. Phone lives and is charged downstairs. Goes off at 9pm but it’s only used for WhatsApp so no arguments over it.

It won't be common on mumsnet but most year 9s do have socials. We dont use tiktok but recently my daughter has been pushing bavk with the time limit at night too. Its exhausting!

We've bought a router with built in parent controls as DS started factory resetting his devices to remove the parental controls!

We've limited gaming to 1 hour max mid week, youtube only available 5-6pm, no tiktok, no snapchat. Like you we started seeing grades drop since September and the school called to find out what was going on at home. Only thing we could think of was he was gaming more than usual and multi tasking his homework whilst on calls with his friends gaming ie not focussing so we cut it right back.

My 14 year old has only just got a phone. He can call, text and play chess. No social media including Whatsapp. Set to go on downtime at 8pm until 7am and its totally off for school hours.

The friends' comments sound like a separate problem from the cut-off time. Could you agree a simple reply he can use, without having to defend the whole family rule? Something like saying he's off for the night and will catch up tomorrow. You can hear him out about the timing without making it depend on what his friends claim everyone else is allowed.

My yr 9 does have WhatsApp and a locked down version of Snapchat but she will lose these in the new year when it becomes illegal. Her phone goes off around 9:30 and is kept outside her room. She doesn’t have a games console and is out most evenings playing. Hockey or football or cricket!

Year 9 boy here as well phone goes off at 9pm at the same time as all other devices.
He doesn’t have Snapchat, instagram, TikTok, any apps he tries to download have to be approved by one of us via our phones anyway.
We’ve had push back but have stood firm, he lost all devices/electronics for a week when he became particularly obnoxious about it, he also managed to get around parental controls by resetting them all.
He was told that if he did it again we’d turn off the internet and he wouldn’t be able to use it.
I get told I’m the meanest parent in the world, his friends play 18 games etc but o use that phrase that I swore id never use on my own kids..
”That’s nice, but I don’t have to parent ….., I have to parent you so I don’t care what everyone is doing”

Parents attitudes are definitely changing around phones etc his brother is 16 months younger and a lot of his class have dumb phones instead of smart ones as they are all banned in schools anyway.

I bet quite a few kids parents have set limits. If ifs your ds saying they haven’t I doubt his story.

So exhausting, I allow the socials, I dislike Snapchat but its the only platform his friends use, everyone was ignoring his WhatsApp so I can live with it. Sadly other parents just dont put any controls on round here, I hear it from them directly not the kids so I feel like I am really going against the grain so really reassuring to hear I am not the world's strictest parent!

Nope I hear it directly from adults, they are happy for their kids to still be online at 2am. I was astounded when I saw some of the chats when my kids phones switched on. Its not recent either, its all the families we know bar 2 and its been an issue since my son got his phone at the end of y6.

This is a really good point thank you

Really glad i posted, useful thoughts im finding really helpful to read through thanks

I’m lax compared with most parents I know.
phone is off 9pm-7am and he isn’t into social media except YouTube BUT is a pc gamer and spends far too much time on that IMO. Can easily be 6 hours or more per day weekends and holidays

however he does all his homework and gets glowing school reports. The moment his school work starts suffering- I def expect this to happen soon - I’ll be taking a far firmer stance. he eats total rubbish when out but it’s not that often at the moment (no girlfriend yet!) so I’m fairly relaxed on that too atm

Just to add to the volume of ‘we don’t do that’:

DC1 now in y11 doesn’t have socials, only is Snapchat from y10. Video games not on school nights, usually limited to 30 mins. No YouTube (can watch the occasional video on the living room TV but he’s not really into it). Phone becomes largely useless at 9pm.

Now has a girlfriend but has to be back before sunset unless a lift & dinner has been arranged.

DC2 will probably get a brick phone when he starts y7. Then same rules will apply.

I’m a teacher. I taught before smart phones & YouTube. I’ve seen how it’s been so damaging for kids.

I’ve explained to my kids what I’ve observed, and why we’re not going to be following suit. I’ve said they’re welcome to blame me, but I won’t be giving in. So far they have understood and haven’t pushed back too hard.

I won’t be ‘peer pressured’ by teenagers or their parents. Neither should you be.

(I’m extremely stubborn, peer pressure has never worked on me. It is probably genetic, and helpful that my kids find it easy to resist pressure too.) it’s not pda

In which case they are irresponsible parents who care more about pandering to their kids whines and wishes than their kids sleep habits and progress at school, in sport etc and life in general.

Love this ❤️

I completely agree, and it shows in behaviour and attitudes tbh....she says despite DS own attitude having been frankly appalling since September