DS14 - feel like not getting balance right

[Cornishbelle]

Ds14 seems to have gradually changed since starting secondary, to be expected of course but I am seeing a lot of negatives.

Academically he has always been naturally intelligent and I think possibly he has coasted in this without realising about trying hard. His results whilst he is still mostly top set have gradually dropped in secondary but more worryingly he seems to have no drive or wish to work hard or do well.

He seems to have lost his common sense and thinks it's ok to add random kids he bumped into in our local city as he can "read people like a book". He is currently chatting to a girl who added him and he doesn't know how she knows of him.

He is still seeing friends IRL but there has been a drop off since the summer of people coming to ours hanging out here etc. He says it is because they just want to be at home or hang out at a local cafe he doesn't want to it's boring.

He thinks he should be allowed way more freedom eg out till 1130, unlimited screens etc. We normally expect him in by dark unless he's going somewhere in particular in which case we would sort lifts etc, and screens normally done by 9. We're asking for homework to be done first. He often does the least possible and his teachers are starting to notice.

He invited this unknown girl to our town to wander around in the dark. We pointed out the dangers.

Just seeing it written down it looks awful, I'd say we're a pretty typical family, encourage healthy behaviours, no trauma or other mega issues, we're both around at home a lot, we work from home. He doesn't want to spend time with us.

How do we tackle this without pushing him away?

Being a bit lazy with school work sounds completely normal for a 14 year old boy. DS certainly coasted through year 9 with very little effort put in. He’s gone into year 10 now and the school has given everyone a kick up the backside and he’s now working hard.

It’s also normal for kids to add each other on Snapchat that they don’t really know. Friends of friends and things. As long as they’re the same age, I don’t get worked up about it. I have very open conversations with my teens about social media and they used to talk to me about any weird messages they received. Now they just block and move on.

I think you’re going to need to rethink the back by dark rule. He’s 14 and it’ll be dark by 4pm soon. My kids don’t really go out much in the week but on weekends DS15’s general curfew is around 11pm. I think last year it was probably around 10pm. DD17 no longer has a curfew.

But overall, I don’t think what you have written sounds too awful. Just normal growing pains!

Very few 14 year olds want to spend time with their parents.

most also slack off a bit on school work - GCSEs are year 11 and that’s when most are nagged by school and parents into working.

sounds like a normal teenager.

Could you separate the freedom question from the unknown-contact question? Talk about how he knows who is behind an account, rather than whether he can read people.

So for Halloween he went out with friends and afterwards we discovered they had been walking the streets drinking. He got into what could have been a difficult situation the next day out for a walk with some other friends. I think we have work to do, just not sure where to start

Teenagers out drinking on Halloween is a tale as old as time.

Absolutely talk to him about the dangers of alcohol poisoning, getting mugged, falling over and hitting his head, making sure to always stay together with friends etc but don’t come down too hard. Ultimately, you want to be the first person he calls if he gets into a bit of bother, not have him too scared to call.

And he’s a teenager, he will get into a bit of bother at some point.