16yr old son and first proper girlfriend concerns

[Hectarismyfriend]

My son is seeing a girl he knew from high school. I think he's fallen really hard for her. He's on his phone to her for ages. He hasn't been doing things he would normally. I thought it was ok at first but as the weeks go on I'm getting worried. He has always been a hungry lad. Constantly eating like teen boys do. This half term he's snacked a bit then when it comes to tea which is usually a main meal has said he's not hungry and will get something later. He hasn't. I've spoke to him and he insists he's fine. Just reiterated my concerns to his adult sister and she's told me the girlfriend has bi polar is really needy and he's fallen out with his friends over it. How the hell do I deal with this? I don't want to go in all guns blazing and turn him against me but if his friend's can see she's affecting him badly I really think something is wrong.

Watching with interest as my teenager is in a relationship that is in some ways similar - gf not bi-polar but quite clingy. I think it’s not unusual for relationships at this age and I think you can talk to him (as you have) and try to keep lines of communication open. But if you go in too strong, you risk alienating him so it’s a careful balance.

Is he close to his sister? Might be better received from her. Still needs a softly softly approach though.

Yeah he's very close to her and she's tried but he isn't listening. I guess love is blind. He's such a sensitive, caring lad.

You leave him alone. He will eventually fall out of love or maybe not (my stepson met his now wife in college - they waited ten years to get married though). Anyway what do you think you can do? Just be supportive and listen if he needs you too. And I mean LISTEN, not lecture.

I had a friend in school at the same age who had mental health problems and an eating disorder. She also came from a very MC but dysfunctional family and hated her home environment. I felt like I had to be there for her at all times and it really, really took a toll on my own mental/physical health. It got to the stage I would have a panic attack (didn't even know then that it was a panic attack) if I thought she was unhappy, I cannot explain it but I felt like her existence and happiness was my responsibility.
Please, please OP speak to your son about this. The fact that he isn't eating properly indicates that he is stressed already.

Get him condoms

Personally I would just do my best to keep his regular life normal and functional, but stay well out of his relationship.

Keep on pushing good food, sleep, getting off his phone etc.

And make sure you are there when the relationship (likely) implodes.. but I wouldn't try to talk to him about his girlfriend, unless he wants to, because that will almost certainly fail if he is in the throws of love/early relationship feelings.

Has the girl really got bipolar? There’s not a diagnosis that is given lightly. And if she is then she would be really unwell and I can’t see how anyone would want to date her.
im saying that from experience. My daughter was diagnosed with juvenile bipolar affective disorder at 15. She was so unwell she was sectioned to an adolescent psychiatric unit.

My guess is she is clingy as a lot of immature teens are. The relationship will run its cause. If you intervene you could throw them together more.

I would focus on him, not his girlfriend. Accept his choice of girlfriend with whatever difficulties she has. He's with her and that's not up for discussion. I would have a conversation with him focusing on 2 areas.
First, he loves her, of course he want to help and support her. You can't pour from an empty cup. He has to take care of himself and not get lost or damaged while he's helping her. So eating, usual hobbies, maintaining friendships, education all need to continue as usual. And he needs to share his emotion load with family members so he's not isolated with him himself. He needs support to be able to support her. This isn't about him being a infantilised because of his age. This is what healthy adults do in relationships with people who have mental health difficulties.

Second. In spite of all the above, no one is actually responsible for another person's mental health. His love, care, support is not going to fix her. She needs to access professional support. It's not fair for a person with an illness to lay all of that responsibility at the feet of another person. He can love her and at the same time maintain a line in the sand of what's acceptable to deal with in a relationship and what's caused by her mental ill health which requires treatment, not his appeasement which would reinforce her maladaptive thought patterns. Help him think clearly about drawing that line.

I have no idea if she has a diagnosis. Just know that she constantly messages him. If he doesn't answer immediately she's relentless. He hasn't brought her to meet me. She is apparently from a really strict family and they don't know she's in a relationship. A previous boy finished with her for the same reasons. I get how he feels. Me and his dad were the same 30 years ago and quickly dropped our friends. The difference was there was no phones!

So the thing with the phones and modern technology is what makes it very difficult right now to differentiate a healthy romantic relationship from a toxic one. The amount that all teens message their friends, and particularly their girlfriends/boyfriends and the way in which they can track one another's location... is IMO extremely unhealthy and encouraging of clingy and possessive behaviour. My son is the same with his gf (instant responses etc, and she would mind if he didn't reply quickly) but he is exactly the same with all his mates - they all seem to expect instant responses to all their messages and if someone doesn't reply for a couple of hours it's apparently 'rude'.

Makes me very glad I grew up in the 90s!