Overly sexual 13Dd or normal 13Dd?! Help!

[Onthedoubleline]

My 13/14 year old daughter is high achieving and very pretty. We have been through a rough time as a family (DA, courts etc and I was in a psych ward for a bit) Despite an otherwise sensible head on her shoulders she seems to be very anxiously attached to boys. Has dated one after the other constantly since age 11. Her current boyfriend is same age and is nice enough, she is utterly obsessed with him, to me they all blend into one.

All fine till I checked her phone searches. I wish I hadn’t.

ChatGPT questions about can you get pregnant swallowing cum, show me this that and the other, fingering etc. How do I etc, I feel sick. She’s only 13, soon 14. She had a lovebite on her neck and lied about it. I thought that was as bad as it got.

Is this normal now?!!!! She’s my eldest. I was ugly. I’m fucking clueless here and freaking out. What do I do! Please be gentle, I’ve been very vigilant or so I thought.

With the rough time you've had as a family, I'd be concerned that she was becoming physical as a way to seek a sense of love and security, rather than because she wants to for its own sake.
I'd do my very best to create a stable and calm home. I'd also suggest looking at individual therapy for her if she's open to it, or family therapy so she can express her feelings instead of acting on them.
Then I would open up the lines of communication. You know what topics she's looking for information on, she's not going to be shocked by anything you say. Start talking about sex, porn v real sex, safety, self respect, consent, contraception, your values etc extremely openly, calmly and without judgement. She needs to know that you're safe to talk to and that she can't shock or upset you. Also don't give her the opportunity to lie to you. Like the love bite - don't ask a question about it (is that a lovebite? What's that on your neck?) You know what it is, so start at the next step. "you've got a lovebite on your neck. Are you ok with that?"

I was like this as a teen.

except no internet then.

i didn’t feel I could rely on my family and was looking for love and security elsewhere.

she’s had a rough start. She’s learnt parents cannot be relied upon. This is not your fault, but it is where you are.

in your shoes I would prioritise making sure she cannot get pregnant (it’s unlikely she wants to but accidents happen). Also try to work on helping her feel loved and secure.

Please don’t engage with person telling them about the sexual experiences of yourself or your daughter as minors. Hopefully this disappears very quickly.

Time for a talk about how you are always here, nothing she can tell you is too much, boundaries, consent, and most importantly contraception and safety. I had a lovely stable home life and I was having sex at 14 and I wasn’t even the first in my friend group.

I don't think for her age, this is desperately unusual. Sorry no recent experience, and my daughter never listens to a word I say, but yes I think you need to raise the contraception issue. Best wishes

Never know if to comment on these threads as don’t know if it’s genuine or some creep. Would be good if Mumsnet could confirm if it’s a regular user first.

I was like this, but no internet back then so would just read fanfiction which is how I learned about it! You should talk to her about things gently, and say you’re here to answer questions if she has them and there’s no judgement! And talk about pregnancy and sti risks. Mum had already talked to me about all that by the time I was 13.

i was like that at 15.
looking for love.
but only found sex
and pregnancy. it was a bad time.

if you can get closer to your daughter and spend time listening to her maybe she will be ok. she needs you.

That would not stop some creep coming across this thread, and reading it though. I am very careful about what I put 'out there', even on an anonymous forum.

Exactly what @Octavia64 said. With an alcoholic father and a mother who was seriously mentally ill and often cruel, I was obsessed with boys. Any boy who showed me any attention. And sexual activity - being seemingly desired, even if it was by an awful person who had no real interest in me - was validation. It was the only worth I felt I had (despite being pretty, despite being extremely intelligent and academic).
It took me until my 30s to realize that my behavior was damaging. Years of therapy.
I wish my mum had talked to me (even to say that just because a boy likes you, doesn't mean that you like them...) although I doubt I would have listened. I don't know what would have helped, to be honest.

Find a local teenage sexual health and advisory service and make an appoitment. No jdgement just take her there and let her talk to the nurses/ counsellors there

I second this OP. I was sexually active at 14 onwards. I don't know why I started so early, hormones, inquisitiveness and opportunity I suppose. Certainly in my friendship group in the 80s it wasn't uncommon.

If it's any consolation I've been successful in life academically, socially and professionally. I also suspect I use sex to self sooth difficult emotions.

The main thing is you teach her about safe sex and pregnancy risk.

There is no way a normally intelligent 13 year old thinks you might get pregnant swallowing come. This doesn't sound right.

Sorry what is DA? I don't think dating from aged 11 is normal shes only 13/14 now OP. Does DD have any cousins or aunts who she is close with?

Likewise I'm wary of the late night posts with this type of content.

Thank you all for your responses, I promise this is unfortunately real and I am not a creep. Mumsnet checked my post before it appeared so I was not in control of the timing x

No that’s not usual. Sorry to say, the girl I know with similar behaviours eg in full on relationships from the age of 11 was pregnant when she was 14 and it was not a surprise to anyone. She acted very precocious while her friends/peers were not so she stood out.

DA = Domestic Assault

Oh my.

I think you need to have a chat with her about self respect, boundaries and if she is a bright girl who is capable of a philosophical conversation maybe introduce the idea of sex being something that always used to be very precious and between people who loved each other, and wasn”t something you did before marriage in Grandma and Granddad’s time.

I’ve talked to my daughters about the way women’s hormones mean they become attached to men in a way that men don’t attach to us during sex, so it means women are more often hurt by casual
sex and men just walk away - so women have really lost the power they used to have…that casual sex started to become a thing in the 90s - but who was feeding this? Cosmo and other mags with male publishers.

Their dad has also engaged and his message was “always keep your self respect.”

Obviously pregnancy and diseases as well.

I have a 14 yo and I’ve never seen anything like this on her phone. She’s no angel and I’ve seen plenty of swearing but nothing sexual.

As a pp has said we used to get all of this type of information from magazines like J17, cosmos etc, now from using the internet.