Help with teenage step children

[ladygrace0203]

I have posted on the step parents forum but thought this would be a good place to post it too:

Desperately looking for some help/advice please!!!!!

My husband's children visit EOWE and they're getting to the age now where they don't like to join in with everything. (We live too far from them to see them any more than this, though we usually have them longer during school holidays).
He has a girl, 13 and a boy, 10.

My stepson generally likes to join in things like if we watch a film whereas my stepdaughter won't really do anything with us and even if she starts joining in an activity she will say she is "tired" and go off to bed. We try to get them out to places like to go to a cafe occasionally or even just a walk to the local park and even this is incredibly difficult, she will complain she wants to go home and I don't think she likes to be seen in public with us.

I was looking forward to having them with us over Summer but my stepdaughter didn't do much joining in and even visiting family or friends she would briefly say hello and talk and then go and be on her phone. The phone is also a big point of contention as she will throw a huge tantrum if we try to take it off her. It sounds as though her mum doesn't really have rules around the phone so even though in our house we do try to establish that each parent has different rules, it makes it harder to justify no phone time as it is obviously something she is used to being able to access at all times.

Next weekend we are due to have them but last weekend it was just boring. I feel like I can't busy myself doing other things in case his daughter does want to do something and both children are always asking "what are we doing this weekend" before they come to visit, but with the cost of living we are finding it much harder to afford activities and because both children tend to seem disinterested I don't really want to spend money on something just for them to want to go home (which has happened before).

Anyone else deal with this? Any and all advice gratefully received !!!!!

The children come to see their dad, not you, no matter how nice you are. Their dad needs to step up and spend time and parent his kids.

If I was you I would get on with your day and let their father sort things out for them
And definitely don’t get involved in restricting phone use !

Do you have other younger kids you have to do ‘young kid’ stuff with? If not I would rethink the activities and start doing things that 13 year old girl’s want to do rather than walk to park etc. Cinema? ‘Cheap’ shopping for accessories etc? Baking? I know everything costs probably worth saving to make sure you can all do fun stuff together.

Their dad needs to be working out what to do with them, not you

Agree with other posters however that this is on their dad not you!

If I were you, I’d just get on with my day doing whatever it is you like to do. 13 is well known for being the age where kids are embarrassed to do stuff with their parents. Let their dad work it out.

The 13 year old probably wants to be at her main home hanging out with friends. It will be incredibly frustrating for her to be forced to spend EOW at your place because that’s what your DH and her mother decided should happen. It will damage your DH’s relationship with her in the long term if you continue to force this, so he would be well advised to rethink the relationship before it is too late and find other ways to spend quality time with his DD that she won’t resent.

Take a giant step back and let their dad sort out what they want to do. Maybe if they spend more one-on-one time together she might open up to him more.

How long have you been together? How long have you known them? There may be feelings around her parents divorce that are coming to the fore than she's only now processing. That's why she needs some space to talk to her dad.

i never particularly thought that how myself and my ex facilitating him spending time with his girls was anything special or unusual, until I read stuff like this on mumsnet all the time where the fathers seem to see the kids only when and where it’s convenient to them (the father)
tbh that wouldn’t have occurred to my ex. We are the ones who got divorced, so it’s our job to work around what the dc want.
dd1 hasn’t been to his house since she was about 12. She doesn’t like his new wife so doesn’t want to. Fine. Up to her. Also wants to stay in her home town and go out with her friends. That’s her prerogative, it’s not her fault we’re divorced. So, ex dh does all the running around to see her. He drives to mine, drives her places she wants to go to, takes her shopping for stuff, takes her on holidays just the two of them, they like cooking so they shop for ingredients together and make meals at my house. Etc. the idea that we would make her go on a journey she doesn’t want to go on, to a house she doesn’t want to go to, is unthinkable to me.

It sounds like things are going better with your 10-year-old stepson than with your 13-year-old stepdaughter, so I'd encourage you to focus more on the stepson for the time being. Try to get him involved in low-cost things like watching movies, going to the park, or helping cook (especially if his dad is also involved in the cooking).

It's normal for a 13-year-old to pull away from her family and be very focused on her friends and her phone. Also, with an older girl and a younger boy, the age gap can feel very wide at this stage. It can be frustrating, but try to recognize that this is typical adolescent development.

I'd also say from personal experience that joint custody puts enormous pressure on children, much more than the adults usually recognize. Your stepdaughter may need a break or a lighter schedule for a while. This could be a good opportunity for your stepson to get some more one-on-one time with his dad. In other words, if you go with the flow, it could end up benefiting everyone.

I hope you find a way forward.

Just get on with whatever you want to do. They're visiting their dad.
You can busy yourself at home or pop out.

You are setting yourself up for conflict trying to put phone restrictions in place that are different than what her mum does. Your SD sounds like a completely normal 13 year old. They don’t want to go to the park anymore. She probably doesn’t want you to be there on every outing either. Her dad should try to find an activity she enjoys with him to strengthen their bond.

At that age they like eating, going out for a pub lunch sounds like a good idea or cinema? What about the ghosts movie as it’s Halloween? Have you asked them what they might like to do?

Also, regarding cost, he only sees his own children once every two weeks. In the other 12 days in 14 can he not work a pub shift or something, to get together £50 for the cinema?

This is quite normal for 13 year olds. Try to focus on the things she does enjoy. I used to find that in inviting other friends/family members made mine more inclined to join in with actvities and days out but they pretty much used to retreat to their rooms, didn't want to do much, be seen or public etc. It was a difficult age.