No routine/ complete chaos help!

[Cardiaga]

Hi lovely mumsnetters

My children have reached the ages of 16 and 13 respectively (largely thanks to advice from people on this forum, they might not have made it otherwise lol). Anyway new chapter, new challenges and I could do with either advice or perspective or both. My kids refuse to eat with us or each other and make what they want when they want. I have tried batch cooking so that they always have healthy food. This matured in the freezer for a few months before ending up in the bin. I have tried setting expectations. They continually bypass them. I have tried only having basic foods (no biscuits, crisps, chips, etc). They went out and bought food with their own money. Getting them to sleep at night, in a bed rather than on a sofa, and not be 24/7 on screens is genuinely as much as I ca achieve and I am very upset about this. My house is a genuine pig sty because of how they treat it. I work full time and come home to at least an hours worth of cleaning every day (before I get round to any household projects that need doing, or baking, cooking, pet care, admin, etc). I genuine feel I have less time than when they were toddlers and at least when they were they were cute and cuddly lol. What is even reasonable to expect at this age? They have some really great features too! My son is kind and verbally respectful if not so of my time and property. My daughter is organised in her education life, kind to her friends and will sometimes hang out with me without a trip to Primark being part of the deal. They are not bad kids, but I feel like everything is just chaos and I can't work out what expectations are fair. It is not helped by the fact that I left home at 16 due to social services involvement so I dont have a good model of what teenage parenting looks like. Any advice most gratefully received!

I would say that you need to have higher expectations of them, while allowing their independence and agency. Think of a few lines in the sand which are important to you and not their purely to control them, and enforce them. Let the small stuff go.

On food... They won't eat with you or each other? As in they won't eat the meal you cook? Or they won't sit at the table for a meal? Or both?
I would go back to only having basic foods (be an ingredient household as my DD calls it) If they want to spend their money on food, let them. Meal plan and only have in food to make the week's meals. No other options without them spending their own (limited) money. I would expect them to cook for the family when they cook for themselves. They can give you a shopping list for what they need and give them a night each week to cook.

Getting them to sleep at night, in a bed rather than on a sofa, would be non negotiable. Wake them up if they're on the sofa. Turn on all the lights. Tell them to go to bed.

Not tiding up after themselves... I once collected my DCs stuff left around the house in bin bags, put them outside next to the bin. It was lucky it wasn't Bin day and it didn't rain really. They collected their stuff and lived with the bin bag of crap in their rooms until they bothered to put it all away. The rest of the house has remained tidier since. I don't really care if their rooms are a tip. That's their business

I’d say start giving them chores. Make them earn their money. So their job from now on is to stack and unstack the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. No tidying, no money (or no something else, whatever is their currency). They sound chaotic. But at least they’re learning to cook, which is great.

Think of other chores they could do as well. The kitchen is just one thing. You’re working full time by the sound of it. If they don’t do it, I think I’d be tempted to down tools on other stuff. Washing for example. But I wouldn’t approach it as a tit for tat if you do that. More of a participation thing now they’re getting older. Some parents get their kids to do their washing. I started with dd this year, but she has moved to university now

You say ‘us’ so I presume there is a dp or spouse? Work together to instigate Sunday dinner and one evening a week eating as a family.

As for going out. What’s the deal with that? Can’t you just tell them new rules - they can’t go out unless they’ve tidied up their mess? Using the approach ‘just tidy that mess up really quickly, then you can get going’.

With teens, one fixed anchor tends to work better than a full routine - like one meal everyone shows up for, even if the rest of the week stays loose. Once that holds, add the next piece. Building around when they are actually hungry gets more buy-in than a timetable.