Teen’s Friend Saying I’m Abusive - please help I’m at the end of my tether

[RaggyDoll84]

Hello everyone,

I am new here and quite frankly here out of desperation. This is a very complex situation, so I’ll lay out some information for context:

1. I’m a 44 year old mum of one 17 year old girl.

2. I was in an abusive relationship with her father for 20 years until 2 years ago.

3. My daughter and I had a good relationship until a few months back, spent time together every day and never really argued.

4. Around time we started having problems, she got a boyfriend. This boyfriend doesn’t like me and says so quite freely. He’s said because she’s over 16 what she does is none of my business and even things like me asking when she is coming home or suggesting she get an earlier bus are seen as some kind of control.

5. The above seems to have changed her opinion of me and our relationship drastically and she is now going around talking to friends about me in that light. One said her mum is abusive and that I sound like I am.

I’m genuinely flabbergasted that she would even think of me that way. All the people around me say I’m too soft on her if anything. From what I can tell it’s that we have been having more disagreements and because the boyfriend is in the mix he’s twisting me showing concern or trying to set any boundaries as being completely unacceptable.

She has no contact with my ex because he was abusive, so I have no co-parent even and this is my only child. So now she’s getting older I am trying to figure out how to keep her safe while allowing her to be independent and it’s not an exact science (which I have explained to her). Please understand that 99% of the time she does whatever she wants. I don’t interfere or question her plans unless I think it’s a safety issue, or occasionally I’ll ask when she’s going to do her college work.

Examples of disagreements are: When she wanted to stay over at bf’s house for first time I said I wasn’t so sure if she wasn’t on contraception (we talked about condoms and she goes there regularly now despite my discomfort). She asked to go to a concert at a place with grown men and alcohol alone with her other 17 year old female friend with two hours notice and I said not knowing the place it doesn’t seem sensible and to go another time in a group. I suggested she get the bus home on Sunday night an hour earlier because the bus station wouldn’t be very busy and she got annoyed saying she can judge the danger for herself. I didn’t say anything when she caught the later bus home anyway but it still gets held against me.

I am just honestly a newly single mum who has been through a lot and then has been thrown into navigating teenage years. Have I been a tad more impatient? Yes? Have I sometimes made the wrong call with things? Yes. But I haven’t shouted or called her names or been mean to her. I was abused for two decades so I know what it’s like. It feels like even if I say nothing about anything for weeks, the moment I raise a concern she and this boyfriend are waiting to tell me I have no right. All while I’m still letting her use my card for things (her account has an issue) and paying for her phone and everything else. I feel dehumanised.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m already at my limit with trauma from my ex and this is pushing me over the edge to the point of sometimes being suicidal. She is at her boyfriend’s house now ‘for a few days’ talking about me to him and his mum. And I’m just on my own and moreover I’m worried this person is deliberately isolating her and she can’t see it.

Sorry this is so long.

Any advice appreciated.

TL;DR - Daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t like me and has told her because she’s over 16 I have no right to know or have anything to say about anything she does. If I raise concerns or suggest something might not be safe I’m told I’m being controlling, paranoid and now abusive. These are things like being at bus stations alone at night which as a woman can be dangerous. Came out of an abusive relationship with her dad 2 years ago and mental health already low, this is pushing me over the edge.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I also was in an abusive relationship and found the professional guidance invaluable so I've linked a page for "Mind/supporting young people". I hope you find the correct support.

Useful contacts for adults supporting young people | Mind share.google/Q5pVy13aUrr7e6yUm

This is so worrying. It does sound very much as though he's trying to isolate her - abuser 101 stuff right there. I'd contact women's aid to see if you can come up with a strategy.

I do think for now don't fight her as it will likely bond them more if he can persuade her it's them against the world. So just be very patient, make sure she feels safe and can talk to you. Obviously with issues of safety you probably do need to hold your ground as she's not an adult until she's 18.

It is certainly plausible that she might have chosen an abusive boyfriend. That was the main model for relationships that she had until she was 14. She probably has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. It must be very difficult for you if you are seeing her falling into the same traps. Do you think that you doing something like the freedom project would give you the language to speak to her?

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. I would be really concerned that he's trying to isolate her from her family.

It's her dad's fault, not yours, but growing up around domestic abuse can have a profound effect on children. It's not uncommon for them to choose abusive partners themselves, or to struggle with mixed feelings towards both parents.

Has she had counselling? If it's financially viable, I'd look into private options so she can start as soon as possible. Are there any other adult females she respects who could talk gently to her about this? Maybe an aunt or a family friend?

It does sound like dd is wanting to do things that are pretty normal for a 17 year old and you are seeing danger in everything.
Does dd feel infantilised?

I agree.

the samples you’ve laid out (except for contraception conversation) are very normal. Is it possible you’re struggling to let go of your child to become a woman because you’re healing from 20 years of hurt? It’s bad timing but I think a change in parenting style would bring her closer to you. Easier said than done, but giving her the freedom to have her choices and mistakes is likely what’s needed.

How old is the boyfriend?

This boyfriend is being very disrespectful towards you he can’t think much of your dd being like this with her dm. He sounds like trouble. Maybe when you suggest an earlier bus next time or whatever to keep her safe, if he says anything tell him you’re concerned for her safety and ask him why he isn’t. And hopefully even that will make your dd will realise something isn’t right with him.

Firstly OP if you are feeling suicidal you should speak to your GP. I’m sorry you are going through this and it sounds hard. You certainly don’t sound abusive and this must be very hurtful.

I also agree with the post above in that what you described I would have allowed and so it seems slightly over protective in comparison to how I would approach things anyway. I have an 18 year old dd and she went on holiday to Magaluf with her friends a week after her 18th birthday. You have to allow them more freedom in the run up to this so they can cope when the do have complete freedom.

She Is still living in your house however and needs to be considerate towards you.

Being overprotective as a parent and having boundaries that differ slightly from others isn't actually abusive. I have a 17yo and she still asks our permission for things. We tend to give it most of the time because she'll be an adult in a few months, but it is still my business. She still a minor, under our care, financially supported by us etc. I'd be quite concerned about this boyfriend.

Unfortunately children who grow up around DV or addiction often go on to replicate their formative experiences. Your daughter has unconsciously chosen an abusive boyfriend (no normal boy would behave this way).
Traumatised children also have underdeveloped brains. Trauma damages the brain and gets in the way if normal development. This can look like ADHD, poor coping skills, thrill seeking and inability to assess danger. Nervous system wired by extremes often leave people vulnerable to seeking out the same thing.
I would say that a traumatised 17 year old is not the same as a normal 17 year old. So much of early development has not been coded in so you have a teenager with the coping skills of a toddler. They have the bodies of a young adult but the brains if a much younger child.
I would suggest that as the parent you find a therapist (which I know may be a cost you cannot bear), someone who treats cptsd with IFS and body based practices.
Why you and not her? Because you are the main regulator for her nervous system. If you get yours back on track then she will feel safer with you and you won't feel so triggered by her.
This has been my experience, I grew up in violence then became a violent alcoholic. Sober 30 years and intensive trauma therapy for the last three has changed everything for me. I too have a traumatised 17 year old so have experience if that too.

Exactly this. I had a very controlling mother and her and my dad had an awful relationship, awful arguments and dv. My first boyfriend was what I know now was coercively controlling.

we like the familiar no after how awful that familiar is. You’ve given her a model of what love/relationships are and she’ll struggle to not repeat it.