Found condoms...

[shockednamechange]

This will sound odd really. DS is 19 and in second year at uni. Always had a big social circle but no sign of a girlfriend ever. Would occasionally talk with his brother about celebrities he fancied but also often said he never wants a relationship/to live with anyone/get married/have kids. Sometimes I put it down to being one of his idiosyncrasies as he's quite an eccentric really but sometimes he sounded so adamant I actually found it a bit upsetting.

After a year at uni he made lots of new friends but still no sign of anything romantic. Now I have just picked up a random carrier bag in the spare room and it has a half empty box of condoms in it, among other bits and bobs of his.

So it's none of my business and perfectly normal and good, but it feels so weird that I would otherwise have had no inkling had I not found this bag, and I'm still a bit sad that this is happening but no actual girlfriend appears to be on the scene at all.

There's no point in me posting because there's nothing for me to do but his dad is not around and I just wanted to share...

Okay, you don't understand @BCBird - maybe don't bother posting then? I have tried to explain and @Aviarythebird has understood fine, so that's good that at least I'm not the one and only person on the planet to feel this way.

I said in the OP and have reiterated since - I wasn't snooping, it's not my business, it's a good thing rather than a bad thing (him having sex at all, and having sex safely) and I'm absolutely not going to do anything about it. I don't now need numerous people telling me off for snooping and saying it's not my business.

@chocolatestodgeandcustard I don't believe that most parents in my position wouldn't mention it to the other parent. I just don't. Call them at work in tears? No. Mention it - yes, I think they would. And I don't think some people realise how lonely it can be as a single parent when you have no one to share mundane events like this with. Mentioning it to friends who know ds feels far more of an invasion of privacy than posting here does.

Whatever she is feeling, surely she could just sit with those thoughts?

Cross-posted with @Wingwalk - thank you

"I don't believe that most parents in my position wouldn't mention it to the other parent. I just don't. Call them at work in tears? No. Mention it - yes, I think they would. And I don't think some people realise how lonely it can be as a single parent when you have no one to share mundane events like this with. Mentioning it to friends who know ds feels far more of an invasion of privacy than posting here does."

You don't need to share it with anyone. It's not your business to share. No more than if a nephew, for example, had been staying in your house and you somehow came across condoms.

Meh. I would probably tell my DH. Son didn't hide them cos it's no big deal. I would tell DH but not make it a big deal. It's normal for parents to talk about their kids lives. My parents used to ring each other to gossip about my life when I was at uni and they'd been divorced since I was 5 😂

But I think it just shows there is a whole side of his life I know absolutely nothing about that has come as a bit of a shock

He is in adult. This is what is meant to happen.

And no, I wouldn't share with my similar aged son's father if I found condoms. Why would I?

Why wouldn't you?

Maybe it’s boyfriend? Either way, don’t say anything until he does.

Did your parents know when you were having sex at 19?

Absolutely this!

Why would you?

If he were 13 or14, yes, I'd talk to his dad.

But this young man is 19. He's an adult. He has a right to privacy.

Can someone please explain to me why everyone’s being so nippy to OP? I can’t see anywhere where she’s said she intends to confront the lad or put him in the stocks or name and ‘shame’ him. It’s just a new feeling and she’s using MN to process. I’m not seeing the problem at all.

I did not intend to cause offence OP.

Because it's totally normal to share your feelings about parenting with the other parent.

For example, in a situation like this

Wife - I found condoms in little Jonnys room and I don't know why but I feel sad about it! He's so grown up/independent/I didn't know he was seeing anyone even though I know that is silly!

Husband - Ah of course you feel funny about it but it's great that he's having fun at uni and being safe. Hope you put them back where you found them!

[Parents hug]

Or (if it was me)

Wife - omg Steve I forgot to tell you I was cleaning up the spare room and found condoms in Jonny's carrier bag earlier! 😂

Husband - Wahey!!

[Parents high five]

I get that it's private to son, but it's hardly a breach of truth when son left them in a communal room and also where it's nothing which actually needs to be hidden.

The only reason we know that Ds has a girlfriend is because he is living at home saving for a house. He is 23. Whilst he was at uni I have no idea if he had a relationship with anyone as it is up to him what he shares with us. He did take condoms with him for his first year and I only know that because they were on his list of things to pack that was printed out.

Maybe your son doesn't want to share in case it doesn't work out.

I agree with @Wingwalk Dh would talk to each other about these things but if you don't have the other parent to talk to then you probably would share your thoughts with a forum. It is normal, I mean isn't that how MN was started, two Mums saying wouldn't it be nice if you could ask other people's opinions about prams. A supportive place to share thoughts.

That makes me cringe.

That's ok you don't have to read it. You don't even have to click on the post at all if it's upsetting you.

It's not "upsetting me".

It just makes me cringe. I would have respected his privacy and said nothing.

Ok 😀

Similarly, if we'd had a daughter and I'd inadvertently noticed a packet of contraceptive pills in a 19 year old's open handbag, I would have said nothing to her and nothing to her dad, either. I would consider there was no basis for sharing that information with anyone. That should be her choice - if she wanted to share with either parent that she was sexually active.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here. My son is a bit younger and we have recently had a conversation about his first time with his GF, when it happened he wanted to share probably because as a family we have always had open conversations about anything and everything. I think people sometimes forget that boys are our children too, and the next chapter or changes in their lives can be a shock not in a bad way it’s just something different and new and as a parent it can take time to adjust to.

Same. Either way not our business.

Good on him for using condoms. You’d be even more discombobulated if you found a positive STD screening letter.

Or a positive pregnancy test!

Because it isn't my information to share. And what exactly would I be saying?
'Darling, I found an open box of condoms, our baby is a grown up man now'.
He might not even have been using them with anyone, just practising putting them on.