Found condoms...

[shockednamechange]

This will sound odd really. DS is 19 and in second year at uni. Always had a big social circle but no sign of a girlfriend ever. Would occasionally talk with his brother about celebrities he fancied but also often said he never wants a relationship/to live with anyone/get married/have kids. Sometimes I put it down to being one of his idiosyncrasies as he's quite an eccentric really but sometimes he sounded so adamant I actually found it a bit upsetting.

After a year at uni he made lots of new friends but still no sign of anything romantic. Now I have just picked up a random carrier bag in the spare room and it has a half empty box of condoms in it, among other bits and bobs of his.

So it's none of my business and perfectly normal and good, but it feels so weird that I would otherwise have had no inkling had I not found this bag, and I'm still a bit sad that this is happening but no actual girlfriend appears to be on the scene at all.

There's no point in me posting because there's nothing for me to do but his dad is not around and I just wanted to share...

No I'm not anti sex before marriage and wasn't a virgin before I married!

But I think it just shows there is a whole side of his life I know absolutely nothing about that has come as a bit of a shock. Obviously parents whose kids start dating at like 14 etc will know about it and expect it to go to the next level and perhaps will be involved in having a talk about being safe etc, but this has not been my experience apart from hypothetical chats, which are very different.

Although I'm shocked I'm also relieved - I didn't want him never having a relationship, including casual ones.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here. Sounds like it’s the first time you’ve been confronted with the notion of your son as a sexually active person. It’s just new. And just because it’s an odd feeling doesn’t mean you’re being judgey or nosey or unreasonable. He’s using condoms. It’s all good.

You’re ‘discombobulated’ by a grown adult man being sexually active?

Christ alive. You really, really shouldn’t be this invested in the sex lives of your adult kids.

What were you expecting, exactly? That he’d stay chaste until marriage? That he’d put an announcement in the local newspaper if he met a girlfriend/boyfriend? Or that he’d WhatsApp you to let you know when he’d lost his virginity?

Your reaction is, honestly, really weird and intrusive. It’s like you think you have some right to know this stuff. He’s 19! You’re acting as if he’s a still a schoolboy.

Not sure why you quoted me, it could be any of the reasons either of us suggested plus 100 more?

Personally I've never told my parents when I've had sex and I've been doing it a couple times a week for over 30 years 😆.

Does it actually matter who he’s fucking?

Yes sorry I wasn't trying to correct you - I said "it could also be that". And didn't want to get OP's hopes up that the condoms were the first sign that soon she'd be meeting the mystery new gf!

At least he has condoms. He’s an adult ffs. Do mind your own business.

But what did you expect?

Did you think he would text you after he'd had sex at uni? Did you think he'd ring you on a Friday afternoon and tell you he was going out later that night and hoping to pull?

As I'm sure you know deep down, it's very very normal and healthy for there to be "a whole side of his life you know absolutely nothing about". He's an adult who lives away from home!

So many threads on here about 25-30yo men still living at home with no ambition to move out or meet people. You should be glad yours has his own life. And no grandchildren on the horizon for a while 😂

But I think it just shows there is a whole side of his life I know absolutely nothing about that has come as a bit of a shock

But why on earth would it ‘come as a shock’? This is what I don’t understand. Why would you expect to know anything about his sex life? That’s something private.

He told you he didn’t want a relationship / marriage / kids. But surely you didn’t imagine that meant he wasn’t ever going to have sex?! You must, surely, have assumed that an adult man who lives away from home is probably going to be having some kind of sex life? What is ‘a shock’ about that?

Did you think he would text you after he'd had sex at uni? Did you think he'd ring you on a Friday afternoon and tell you he was going out later that night and hoping to pull? 😅God no. Who knows what I thought but you and everyone else are quite right of course. It's just thrown me a bit.

Of course not, but that might explain why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Also, the gay/bi scene has more casual sex than the straight scene.

Why are you sad /discombobulated that your adult son has condoms?

This is the only reply necessary. Be glad you raised a responsible child and mind your business

Fair enough!

But my point is: why does it need explaining at all?! “Single adult is sexually active” isn’t something that warrants any explanation. I mean… why wouldn’t he be? People have sex for fun. People have sex without relationships. People also have sex within relationships but don’t feel the need to immediately announce that relationship to their parents. All of this is normal and doesn’t require any kind of explanation.

There’s no need for anyone, neither his mother nor Mumsnet, to be theorising or speculating about the nature of this poor bloke’s personal life at all.

So what if he is? Why is that in any way relevant to the thread?

I really assumed i was opening a thread about a 13/14 year old not a grown man.

I have 19 and 22 year old sons, one of whom still lives with us. Please, please mind your own business and let them mind theirs.

Why do people post stuff like this? Your 19yo is having sex, so what, most do, it's to weird to post about it. Mind your own business.

I am not sure what the problem is here .......

Stop snooping his things. His sex life is none of your concern. Imagine your dad talking about your love life when you were a teen?! You'd be mortified.

Just be pleased that it appears he's having safe sex. If that. But he may not be having sex, he may be having unprotected sex with dozens of strangers. The condoms don't prove anything and you mustn't say anything.

You’re allowed to have nuanced feelings. I have young adult sons and have felt similar to you. It’s an odd feeling that your former baby is sexually active. You want them to be as it’s a normal and good part of life and it’s excellent they’re being responsible but it still pulled me up a bit. In the same way kids don’t want to think about their parents’ sex lives …
definitely gave me a jolt. Like you no handwringing about it and ultimately was glad.
Mumsnet isn’t great at accepting people can have conflicting feelings that they acknowledge and may want to express.

I would be pleased he is practicing safe sex.

Absolutely. He's 19. He's an adult.

God knows why you feel you need to "share" it with a bunch of strangers on the internet or with anyone else. Even if his dad were around, why would you feel the need to share it with his dad?

It really is none of your business.

I don't understand why you have created this post OP.

To be fair to OP, she felt weird about it, didn't really know why, posted, and has given sensible replies explaining she doesn't really know why she's feeling this way but knows it's good and normal that he has a life.

I think it's good to use MN for that, rather than eg to confront son about it and tell him she's sad (which would be awkward) or tell a friend about it (which would be ok but a bit of a breach of his privacy).

Its OK that we sometimes don't know how to feel about things.