Does she hate me?

[bobisbored]

My daughter is 16. She’s had a rough few years with an ASD diagnosis and a battle with an eating disorder. We used to be really close but now she treats me with such contempt. She does nothing around the house, her room is a tip, she has to be nagged about showering, cleaning teeth etc, she never spends any time with us, she’s moody and rude, she’s ungrateful, she looks at me like I’m shit. I’ve tried to talk to her but she just doesn’t get it. It’s breaking my heart. I feel like I’m just an inconvenience in her life. I don’t know how to make things better. I know she’s getting older and needs her own independence, and I respect that. She has hobbies and friends that she spends time with. I’m always a taxi service with no thanks. I think I just need to accept we are not going to have the relationship of always hoped we would have. It’s just so hard.

Perhaps have a firm word with her. Tell her you know she is growing up, has her own life etc, but that means so do you. You are not simply at her beck and call.

If she wants lifts and all the support, then she needs to treat you with basic courtesy, and you expect a reasonable level of hygiene from a flat mate.

Her room is her problem. Just don't look.

Ask her to cook supper once a week. Set her a challenge, and she might engage more.

Why are you being a taxi service to her when she's flat out rude to you?

Yes, being a teenager is shit, it's hard and their hormones are all over the place but being rude and talking to you like shit is a choice and I wouldnt accept that. Hormones or not.

You need to put in some boundaries here. I wouldnt expect her to open up to me if she doesnt want to and its fine for her to feel moody and teen like but basic respect and courtesy towards her family is non negotiable and I certainly wouldnt be running her about everywhere like a fucking taxi if she couldn't even treat me like a human being

When we were in the trenches with the eating disorder, she was so fragile and I was terrified that she would hurt herself or worse, that I let things go. I did everything for her. I still feel scared that if I push her too much she will relapse. I know I can’t live like that forever but the trauma is there. I think I do need to put those boundaries in now because I can’t carry on like this.

People with EDs dont need to be rude to others in order to stay healthy though do they?

That has nothing to do with her disrespect of you and presumably she isnt treating her friends like shit - just you, so therefore its a choice

She doesn't hate you. She's got a HUGE amount going on. Don't make this about you.

You need clear behaviour boundaries, and to let anything below the line just wash over you.

If she's outright rude she shouldn't be able to expect lifts. If she's just a bit snarky, then maybe pick your battles.

Don't assume your relationship is fixed - she's only 16 and dealing with a lot.

It’s breaking my heart. - don't let it do that. life waxes and wanes; relationships change; life moves on - we have to accept that or sank into misery.

I think I just need to accept we are not going to have the relationship of always hoped we would have. I do not think you do - you are playing the long game here. You just have to bide your time. I have a collection of adult DDs who all had their moments when teenagers but who are now great company.

You have maybe come across to her as over-protective, which is understandable given her ED history. This makes the break from mum harder to achieve. Every child has to engage with a bit of rejection of a parent in order to move on to establishing an adult to adult relationship. Where a child has been or is ill then that makes the process more difficult.

Hang on in there. Tell her you love her every day - in a matter of fact way, not "How could you be so rude when you know I love you?" And be quietly clear when she is rude to you - "I don't find that acceptable", then walk away and ignore. Develop lots of interests in your own life .... "Sorry I can't drive you today as I am going to my yoga class."

Also, as with a toddler, grab every opportunity for praise: "It was lovely that you did x."

You will turn a corner with her gradually. Don't let it break your heart - it will all mend in time.