Any wise advice for Y11 girl with tedious friendship situation?

[Deliaskis]

DD is in Y11 and has had a pretty tight friendship group for most of primary and high school. These days, as is to be expected, they are splintering a bit as people head in slightly different directions etc. but there has been one of this group that she has always been closest to, and we know the family well and have holidayed together etc. However, at the moment (and since maybe July), this particular friend has been in a bit of a frenzy about 'her future', and spends her time talking of nothing else but which 6th form/college she is going to go to (which changes every other week), how they're so much better than their school 6th form (not objectively true), her ambition for life, how she's pushing for really high grades etc. She's talking about 6th forms that are miles away with literally no transport or ways of getting there etc. so her wild ramblings aren't always particularly practical.

This wouldn't usually bother my DD that much, and she has gone along with the conversations nodding and showing interest etc. Both girls expect good grades at GCSE and are heading for A levels and probably university. What is upsetting DD a bit is this feeling that friend talks of little else, and it's tedious and at times there is a feeling that she is building herself up by putting others (including DD) down a bit. An example of this would be some extra 'stretch' English class that is happening in form time. Neither girl was selected to go to it, then friend's mum contacted school and asked for her to go, and now friend is going on about how it's going to help her get the grades she wants etc. and sort of implying that DD is going to miss out by not being in this stretch class (it's 15 mins a week so I'm not worried on that score). That's just a small example, but DD is just getting really fed up with so far the whole of Y11 being about friend going on about herself and her ambitions etc.

Left to her own devices, DD would be reasonably confident and happy in her choices, but the constant going on about it is making her feel low, and it feels like friend is making her feel small, even if she's unaware of it. She just wants to be able to focus on her own Y11 and not have this marr her experience, but also not be alone and friendless - she does have other friends but not ones she is as close and comfortable with. Reading back this sounds like a complete non-problem, but actually it's upsetting DD because she feels like her real friend has turned into somebody who is tedious, not supportive and not really all that nice.

I genuinely believe friend is not being a frenemy type or anything, I've known her her whole life and I think she's just hyped up into a bit of a frenzy about post-16 choices and it's all just coming out every minute of every day.

What I'm hoping for is advice on any ways DD could try to quietly shut it down? She won't want confrontation and won't want to fall out or lose friend completely. She just wants to not have this conversation be part of all day every day. I have talked to her a lot about focusing on her own plans and her own grades etc. and she has nothing to actually worry about on that score, she just doesn't want this to be a constant annoyance for the rest of the year.

Any advice on how to navigate this whilst protecting the friendship?

Firstly with a DD also in y11, it is the hot topic right now. 6th form/college applications are looming, and if your school is anything like ours, there's a lot of focus on it. Careers days, individual career interviews, open evenings etc etc. I can completely understand why a kid could get preoccupied with it, especially if they're unsure about what they want to do (and if she's swinging between different options it sounds like a bit of anxiety fuelling it, not that she is wanting to put your DD down.)

Seeings as they've been friends for such a long time though, can't your DD just nicely tell her to give it a rest, and redirect the conversation?

Is school or the friend's parents piling on the pressure? I would say that might be the case as the mum has intervened to get her daughter into extra classes. Because to me this obsessions sounds like a reaction to stress and overwhelm. The friend may face burn out by the time exams come. Could that be the case?

A lot of y11 girls in particular get like this over gcses and colleges They're facing theor adult future so no wonder they obsess over it. If dd doesn't want to talk about it she either tries to change the subject or goes and talks to someone else, it's no more complicated than that. I'm not really sure there's much need for you to get involved OP.

Most teens in year 11 are self centred and only talk about things that interest them and are important to them I think it’s sounds very normal. I think they are at a crossroads in their lives and it’s normal to discuss next steps. I don’t think the girl is being unkind on purpose by the sound of it. Tell your DD to just get her head down and it’s only a few months of school left and not to get dragged down by friendship issues.

Thanks already for replying, and what you have said completely chimes with the situation. I think there likely is some anxiety and uncertainty fuelling it, and I wouldn't say pressure from home or school as such, but sort of pressure on herself, and at home there is sometimes a bit of a non-aligned parenting situation, e.g. one parent thinks a thing is crucially important and the other disagrees, which I can see creates additional anxiety and uncertainty.

I actually don't blame the friend at all and can completely understand her behaviour, it's just making my DD sad and she's a little personally hurt at the 'I'm going to do better because x' implication underneath some of it.

I'm not sure she'd say 'give it a rest'.....but for sure I know I would!

I'm not getting involved myself, just trying to support DD who is having a bit of a miserable time. I have said DD should just focus on her own Y11 and not let this get to her, but reality is I know it does, hence asking on here.

I agree with others above, also I would encourage your daughter to spend more time with the others in their friendship circle. It’s not good to spend so much time with one person and there’s a very big chance come sixth form and after her friendships will change again. No matter how close they are now, doesn’t mean they still will be this time next year. If nothing else, less time spent with her might mean she’s not so frustrated when her friend is waffling on.