Seventeen year old quit college to join school and now hates it

[oapcarer]

So, he left his college course. Said he picked the wrong course. It was a messy journey, he had to get up really early and he was kind of following where his friends went. I was relieved in a way because it was a battle to get him in.

Off his own back, he decided to redo year 12 and do A levels instead of BTEC at the local school (not the one he had previously attended because they didn't do the subjects he wanted).

I was really proud of his initiative but then the emails and phone calls started with him not handing in his homework, not focusing in lessons and having a bit of an attitude.

The school, bless them, are doing their best to sort things out but he simply says he doesn't like it and he's not doing it. He wants to do an apprenticeship but doesn't like any that are available.

He has form for being fickle if things are too hard and not perfect. He is actually very bright but doesn't apply himself. He had got himself into a crowd of no-hopers who indulge in risk-taking behaviour such as jumping in rivers, which I have tried to warn him about. HE even got injured once but that didn't put him off.

His sister has severe ADHD. I'm not looking for vindication of my poor parenting. I've already been through the system and been wrung out by it but we would like answers as nothing we have tried works - from being ultra strict to understanding, bribing, persuading, negotiating. We have done it all.

Anyone been in this situation. I spent years talking to schools with my eldest, care home with my elderly mother and now this.

He has always been difficult to get into school and do homework since primary but is the worst he has ever been.

Has your son been checked for ADHD? If his sibling has adhd and it’s very obvious, your son may have it but it’s not as noticeable to you as your daughter’s presentation.

What does your son suggest he do? This is such a hard age because although you can guide them; it’s really tough because they’re their own people.

So he’s already repeated year 12, is he still in year 12 at the school? Only been there a few weeks? Or has he done a year and is now year 13?

to a certain extent this is it for his education. He has already repeated year 12 once, he doesn’t get to do it a 3rd time on the state. He might be able to do a 1 year course at college, but if he’s moving he needs to go asap.

is it possible to book some time with a career advisor at the school?

He hasn't yet and I've spoken to the school who agree that it might be an idea to get him checked. My daughter was far worse and, to be fair, he was far easier when he was younger, and he did not have the complex, accompanying mental health issues she had.

He would like a job but hasn't a clue what. He has a part time minimum wage job which he likes but finds a bit boring. I feel that he won't find anything interesting if he doesn't do college of sixth form

Yes, he is repeating year 12. I am going in for a chat some time this week or next week.

I do have some experience of a dd, who struggled, but stuck at her A levels. She has had a lot of mental health struggles and wanted to leave in year 13. I kept her going. But it was a gargantuan and constant effort. She was diagnosed with severe ADHD and autism earlier this year and has just moved for university.

Your ds is year 13, but gone back to year 12. He only has 3 years to do this, so it’s last chance for him. If he doesn’t like A levels, he risks failing them. They’re a big jump from GCSE. And he may just jack them in when he gets to 18. My dd is obsessed with being an adult now.

I think I’d come up with some options. And talk them through with him.

• level 3 working apprenticeship
• get a FT job, waiter / bar work if 18, garden centre etc
• go back to his old course it’s only 8 months of doing something he isn’t keen on (that would be my preferred option)
• switching to his old school if there’s space, but that seems like a big gamble

But what he can’t do is laze around at home or go out, jumping in rivers and doing bugger all.

I would enquire if he can go back to his old course and if he can, put it to him that the 8 months will fly by. He will have a qualification and right now, that’s the name of the game. He can decide what to do next. It’s just a stepping stone. This is what I told my dd btw. And she’s now doing something she’s much better suited to.

If he can’t go back or flat refuses, chose the best worst option. Or if he’d consider it, get him back on the course in a year’s time. If all else fails, he can always start a level 3 apprenticeship in a year or two once he’s matured.

I actually tried to get my dd to do a one year level 3 apprenticeship and delay going to university, to give her a bit more scaffolding and time, but she refused. It would have brought her many skills btw, despite being the equivalent of A levels.

And to add to that, I try to be very matter of fact with my dd. Sort of a little upbeat, not quite Mary Poppins style, non negotiable, rather than heavy or telling him what to do. That works best for her.

Does He realise that sometimes you have to do things in life that aren’t just fun? That most jobs etc are not in fact a blast all the time? I’d worry that he doesn’t have the maturity to make big life decisions and may be a bit age delayed?

It does sound like he is dopamine seeking. My sister is AuDHD but she hyper focused on A levels and university and crashed as an adult.

Well his options for more interesting and better paid job won’t improve unless he commits to either a course or work. Would he consider volunteering? Does he feel that the year 12s are less mature and perhaps the school environment childish after a year at college? Is he feeling pressure to choose a career rather than take stepping stones which keep his options more open. Very few school leavers now follow a single type of work until retirement. Are there any information and guidance teachers who he could speak to about next steps?

I have had a lot of conversations like the above with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to listen and accuses me of going on. I tried talking to him again and it went appallingly. He has now stormed out

I would just like to say I have been through similar with my daughter and you are not a bad parent. It sounds like you have been fighting for him. I recognise everything you said about trying different methods to make a difference. I’ve been there too. With my daughter it was anxiety which was debilitating. I agree that neurodivergence is a strong possibility.

Thanks, Arena. What happened with your daughter in the end?