Why do I take my kids problems to heart?

[Forwardsandupwards]

Is this just being a parent? When one of your children is struggling with something; it is hard not to feel their pain/carry their pain somehow.

DC2 has been feeling a bit low since start of year 11. They told me they have been feeling very lonely in life; They were fine until the summer but dynamics at school have changed somehow and their oldest sibling also moved out to uni. They said they don’t have any friends.

They still have a very close friend outside school who have been their friend for life; they are getting on with school, going to , etc; but not going out much.

How do you handle your kids problems?

Yes I think it’s totally normal to feel happy when your kids are happy and sad when they’re sad. It is for me anyway.

Listening without fixing it is all they need half the time.

That is exactly how I feel. Happy when they are happy, sad when they are struggling with something.

I guess I just need to accept it; it is the price of being a mum. I hope things improve and better times come for them.

It’s heartbreaking to see your kids unhappy. I used to try and ‘fix’ things for them which seemed to work, then the next hurdle came along. As they grew older, they told me to stop they just wanted me to listen not solve their problems. As they got older it was getting harder to fix for them anyway, so I happily took a step back.

Now, if they have ‘friends’ issues or just feel lonely, we (mum + dad) just make more time for them - hang out with them; watch films, invite them on dog walks, go cinema, play board game etc.. be their buddies without them knowing it, so they don’t feel alone. And their own issues at school seem to work themselves out in time.

Yes its normal. I feel the same. My son has been having similar problems in year 12. Lost a whole group of friends from school and had to find new ones. I was so sad for him. Its horrible.

A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child, as they say.

I agree with pp about increasing the amount of quality time you spend with them doing things they enjoy, so they feel plenty of love at home.

I’m going through this with DC14 also, it is impossible not to feel their sadness and your own at the same time. The compound effect is enormous.
Hugs for all of us, things will get better with time 🤞🏻

Thank you. Yes, it is hard, I do spend more time with them when they are feeling lonely or down; it is heartbreaking; but it also overtakes my mind which I am not sure is healthy. Tough job being a mum; sometimes I feel our pain is worse than theirs.

Trying to be positive and a better listener and hoping things will work themselves out,

I’m really feeling this at the moment too. My daughter is in year 8 and has never had any friendship dramas before, but hormones are obviously kicking in and the first 2 weeks back have been awful. I’ve found myself awake overnight worrying about it all. I need to train myself to take a step back.

You’re only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

Unfortunately it only gets harder as they get older and have actual problems

It's part of being a parent and it never stops! My DC are over 40 now but I feel their pain when things go wrong and always want to help them. However, I'm surprised at how resilient they are.

True; we worry a lot for them but they are more resilient than we think and normally work things out themselves. They normally just want someone to listen to them; but it is hard as a mum not to feel their pain. It is difficult to explain such a huge love.

I hear you. Hormones don’t help. I give DC vitamins which help with feeling physically well at least. I also take vitamins to control my anxiety,

We are also going through the whole stress of GCSE this year.

Totally normal and all part of our job as mums.

There’s a saying ‘you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child’ It’s so true.

It’s obviously becuase you are a parent and a good one! We are bound to take our children’s problems and feelings to heart it shows you love, care and have empathy and equally joy when things go right.

It’s reminding me of a time when my DD was small and we were in a soft play with my dad’s wife, who doesn’t have kids. My DD was following an older girl whom we could see thought she was a total pain! It pained my heart to see, even though DD was completely oblivious, it was the first time I’d seen her get rejected so openly and it hurt me. Dad’s wife was incredulous, why would this hurt me, did I think I would magically have the one child who everyone loved unconditionally?

Well, actually, yes 😂

Ive thought about her words a lot since, when they are suffering. Of course my kids will suffer, everyone’s do. And what would be the alternative? If they never had any of these experiences, they’d not be a very whole person, they’d not develop capacity to solve problems or rely on themselves or others. They’d have little empathy for other’s suffering. So I get sucked in to but try to remember these kind of things to help me.

I feel the same, it’s so hard. My youngest is facing a lot of challenges and I feel her sadness deeply. I have to try hard not to let it affect me too much or I find it hard to do my job etc…

The thing I also find hard is that I don’t remember my mum being the same. She was a good mum who loved me but she always brushed off any teenage drama and found it silly. Is this new worry just part of modern parenting or was my mum unusual?

This is me 100% but I am gradually learning I can't fix all of their problems and for my own mental health I have to step back. Easier said than done though.

I wonder the same. Was it easier before as a mother? Or perhaps we didn’t see it as children at the time. My children may think I don’t worry as I tried to keep calm, but I feel their problems deeply.

OP - I hear you! God it's so hard - I have to give myself a massive talking to sometimes and just take a breath and listen to them. It's like a knife in your heart when they're struggling - I wish I didn't feel it all so deeply! I think I'm just too emotional to be a mum- I'm getting better at it tho ( after 18 years )
Big hug.xx

@Sallycinnamum- same. It's v hard but you need to cling on to ur own mental health. X

I experienced this with my DD in year 7. I would be lay awake at night stressing about her friendships and then preoccupied about it all day. She would then come home from school and I’d ask if anything happened and she was bewildered by me. I really did overthink about it.
my friend said I really needed to develop some resilience so I’ve tried really hard to not get overly involved

The thing is that they do eventually work it out themselves. We had a big drama about A Levels choices earlier own; their life was over basically. Now they calmed down, had dinner and looking at what they can actually do with the GCSE they have; everything is so dramatic; I got a really passionate DC. 😅

I need to learn not to take things to heart.

I also feel I am too emotional to be a mum. I feel everything they feel.

Yes, that resonates too. I spent all of yesterday stressing about what was happening with her at school and she got home and said ‘yeah it was fine, no drama’. I think I’ve forgotten how quick they are to fall out and make up again at that age.