How do you support teenagers without absorbing all their worries?

[Raisingresiliantteens]

How do you provide a safe space to vent without offering solutions and taking your kids problems as yoiur own?

And when do they grow out of it?

Do you just listen and keep quiet or sympathise? And how to forget about their complaints and problems after they have vented? The problem is that they stay with me.

You say enough back to let them know you’ve heard them, you sympathise with how they’re feeling.

You can do as they recommend with adults and ask if they’d like advice or just someone to listen.

It’s near impossible as a parent to not take on your kids issues as your own. It helps me to remember that it’s part of how they learn to get by in adult life. Mistakes and upheavals are part of their normal development and not something I can or should try to completely shield them from. My job is to protect them from doing things that might put them at risk of serious harm, but otherwise to gently guide them but ultimately giving space for them to learn and evolve through trial and error. And to let them know I’ll always be there to support and comfort them when things go wrong.

Thank you. It is s learning process. Parenting teens challenges me all the time.

We have lots of wonderful moments together but it is hard not to take their problems as your own; and the negative stuff seems to stay with me longer

Yes, it’s very challenging.

I found this book very helpful in reframing their challenging experiences and emotional upheavals as a normal part of their development and with strategies for approaching them.

Thank you. I will buy the book as finding it a bit draining.

I think I am also going to start saying. I know it is frustrating, what do you want to do about it? And do you need me to help or just listen,

This is a good starting approach.

Unfortunately the saying that 'a parent is only as happy as their least happy child' is pretty accurate.

I think a lot of the time they want to offload and be listened to rather than have it fixed. When it's too for me much I imagine I'm holding a bin bag and everything they say I mentally chuck in it. Then I imagine tying it up and binning it. Sounds bonkers but it works for me
Nod, validate feelings without giving advice( unless being asked ) then offer snacks/ chocolate or a drive.Basically what I need if I'm having a tough time.

Then again I also use therapy, yoga, running and sertraline to manage it. Teenagers are really tough!

I am definitely going to try the bin bag method.

I do yoga, meditation, take vitamins, magnesium. It is still tough and draining and I really need to work in not trying to fix which I still fail sometimes,

Thanks again for the advice, very helpful

I’ve read another of Lisa Damour’s books, Untangled, and the strategy of sometimes asking do you need help with this or just want me to listen can be very helpful. My automatic reaction is to try to help to fix things but sometimes then just want to tell you what’s going on.

Yes, despite knowing this I still fall into trying to offer solutions /fix, need to keep working on it

I know, it’s hard to remember especially if you’re faced with one of your DC who is distressed